YouTube link added 02.09.09
8:23 AM, Wednesday, January 21st, 2004:
I've been sitting on this entry for awhile, but it's exactly why entry #301 is even possible. It really is amazing that as emotional creatures the tiniest variables can transform your entire well-being. Why are we that fragile? Well, we all know that that's not so much a "we" question as a "ME" question, but I'll pretend I'm a normal part of the human race for the purpose of this entry.
That first page, basically showing my last 10 years, has changed my life. I don't say that with even a hint of drama. It has honestly smacked me into a euphoric mood, that has no sign of subsiding. It has shown me that after 10 years of chasing a dream and not achieving it, I look back and I've created an extraordinary amount of work that I'm extraordinarily proud of. And that's ALL that matters. I realized that as an artist, when you're dead and buried - all you have is your art. What you've produced is what lives on. That is a fact that so many writers/directors/actors/singers/entertainers in general lose sight of while chasing the "fortune and glory" as Indy would say. Your years on this planet are numbered, so create your he(art). Everyday. Create. Sing, write, feel - share your experience with the rest of the world every way you can. That's what it means to be an artist. And if you are an artist, that will be enough for you. I'm realizing that it is. If all I have to show for myself is 50 more years like the last 10 I had, following my heart all the way, I will have the richest most fulfilling life possible. Fame may come in the midst of that, but will most likely go just as quick. What you're left with is what you produced in your moments on the planet…and I couldn't be happier about the mere breadth of things on that page. All put together with an extreme attention to detail and consistent measure of labored over perfectionism. And for some reason, putting them all in that framework just knocked me out of my seat. It has given me a sense of serenity I didn't think was possible. I feel completely at peace. I have an absolute awareness of who I am, and it took every bit of the past ten years to get here.
So why even continue the chase? Because when you logically look at my situation, it's what should happen. We all have talents and they all have their place in society. My place in society is obviously artistic. As well, my talent level is at a point that deserves a larger spotlight, period. I won't stop until I get that because I truly believe that it's the correct order of life. It would be going against current to not continue to chase it or accept anything less.
And more than anything, has shown me that there are two completely separate journeys. Fulfillment and the race to "make it", although intertwined by content, aren't the same. I fulfill my heart daily, and this page shows it. And amazingly, throughout all the ups and downs the past 10 years, I've consistently created. The only thing "making it" would do for that side of me is allow for a bigger audience, which I'd obviously love, but I have to see this as two separate journeys. When I start allowing failure on one side overshadow everything I've produced, I'm completely missing the point.
But make no mistake, they're both pretty goddamn important to me. I will achieve both and in a completely unique fashion. It is absolutely a matter of time and a matter of timing - that little slice of luck that everyone in showbiz needs - until I pull this off. If I didn't believe that, I'd be the first to say it. I won't however because my shit rules. ;-)
So does Shizzle by the way. Pup finally caught a piece of popcorn in his mouth. I swear both of the pups suffer from a mild form of dog retardation that will not allow them to catch shit in their mouths. Roxy still can't. I mean I'll hit her in the EYE, and then she'll flinch. I assume this is what it's like to have that preschool kid who can't count or something. You feel this strange responsibility for them to be normal and actually get embarrassed when someone sees how inept your dog is.
Oh well, they're happy. Seriously, these have to be the two happiest dogs on the planet. Which is a good thing, because an unhappy combined weight of 157 lbs is a problem. Jesus, that's heavier than me.
Alright, all focus now goes to tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.