I've been sitting
on this entry for awhile, but it's exactly why entry
#301 is even possible. It really is amazing that as
emotional creatures the tiniest variables can
transform your entire well-being. Why are we that
fragile? Well, we all know that that's not so much a
"we" question as a "ME" question, but I'll pretend I'm
a normal part of the human race for the purpose of
this entry.
That first page,
basically showing my last 10 years, has changed my
life. I don't say that with even a hint of drama. It
has honestly smacked me into a euphoric mood, that has
no sign of subsiding. It has shown me that after 10
years of chasing a dream and not achieving it, I look
back and I've created an extraordinary amount of work
that I'm extraordinarily proud of. And that's ALL that
matters. I realized that as an artist, when you're
dead and buried - all you have is your art. What
you've produced is what lives on. That is a fact that
so many writers/directors/actors/singers/entertainers
in general lose sight of while chasing the "fortune
and glory" as Indy would say. Your years on this
planet are numbered, so create your he(art). Everyday.
Create. Sing, write, feel - share your experience with
the rest of the world every way you can. That's what
it means to be an artist. And if you are an artist,
that will be enough for you. I'm realizing that it is.
If all I have to show for myself is 50 more years like
the last 10 I had, following my heart all the way, I
will have the richest most fulfilling life possible.
Fame may come in the midst of that, but will most
likely go just as quick. What you're left with is what
you produced in your moments on the planet…and I
couldn't be happier about the mere breadth of things
on that page. All put together with an extreme
attention to detail and consistent measure of labored
over perfectionism. And for some reason, putting them
all in that framework just knocked me out of my seat.
It has given me a sense of serenity I didn't think was
possible. I feel completely at peace. I have an
absolute awareness of who I am, and it took every bit
of the past ten years to get here.
So why even
continue the chase? Because when you logically look at
my situation, it's what should happen. We all have
talents and they all have their place in society. My
place in society is obviously artistic. As well, my
talent level is at a point that deserves a larger
spotlight, period. I won't stop until I get that
because I truly believe that it's the correct order of
life. It would be going against current to not
continue to chase it or accept anything less.
And more than
anything, Adamazon.com has shown me that there are two
completely separate journeys. Fulfillment and the race
to "make it", although intertwined by content, aren't
the same. I fulfill my heart daily, and
this
page shows
it. And amazingly, throughout all the ups and downs
the past 10 years, I've consistently created. The only
thing "making it" would do for that side of me is
allow for a bigger audience, which I'd obviously love,
but I have to see this as two separate journeys. When
I start allowing failure on one side overshadow
everything I've produced, I'm completely missing the
point.
But make no
mistake, they're both pretty goddamn important to me.
I will achieve both and in a completely unique
fashion. It is absolutely a matter of time and a
matter of timing - that little slice of luck that
everyone in showbiz needs - until I pull this off. If
I didn't believe that, I'd be the first to say it. I
won't however because my shit rules. ;-)
So
does Shizzle
by the way. Pup finally caught a piece of
popcorn in his mouth. I swear both of the
pups suffer from a mild form of dog
retardation that will not allow them to
catch shit in their mouths. Roxy still
can't. I mean I'll hit her in the EYE, and
then she'll flinch. I assume this is what
it's like to have that preschool kid who
can't count or something. You feel this
strange responsibility for them to be
normal and actually get embarrassed when
someone sees how inept your dog
is.
Oh well, they're
happy. Seriously, these have to be the two happiest
dogs on the planet. Which is a good thing, because an
unhappy combined weight of 157 lbs is a problem.
Jesus, that's heavier than me.
Alright, all focus
now goes to tomorrow. Keep your fingers
crossed.
