Let me first say,
I am diggin' the new layout colors man. I was sick of
the yellow (supposedly golden) by the second entry
last year, but I have a feeling this one will be tough
to let go in a year.
There's two real
sides to my feelings on 2004. On one hand, I can
rationalize with the best of them. I can find a way to
make a positive out of any negative and somewhat
brainwash myself into believing it. On the other hand
I have the logic enough to look at all that's
transpired in 4 years, and see it for what it
is.
In my day to day
life, and in reality - my actions, are always the
first side. I may bitch in the entries, but I'm always
moving ahead, planning the next move and actually
doing the next move. Even in the wretched year that
was 2002 - I was still creating, scheming…doing
something.
Unfortunately in
this journal however the spotlight is ten times as
bright. When you have to fill entries, and attach
videos - if you're unprepared, or bring nothing to the
table - it shows. Kind of like "The Late Show" on
WTVN. 6 hours is a loooooooooooong show. I filled it
to the max of course, but had I pulled a "Cannon", and
read the friggin' paper all night - you would know.
You can't hide it.
So a logical man's
guess is that I probably won't be a whole lot better
off at the end of 2004 as I am now. Lord knows where
the overwhelming monetary debt will lead Jess and I
this year - and career-wise: it's a total crapshoot.
Sure I'll make another show, it will allow me to be
"capable" of more exposure, but how I go about that
without representation is as up in the air as it's
ever been.
Now, how do I
feel? I take a lot, and I mean a lot, from the
backers. Their belief in me for some reason means
everything. No one has ever been so generous. So ready
to give without something in return. They don't want
to be my manager, or "partner" with me…they just
want to see someone they've come to know for a year -
MAKE IT. And they believe I can. All from watching the
show. It's this overwhelming feeling of: "Thank you!
Thank you! I'll show you! You're right!" that is
undeniable. As well if one of my barriers in the
future happens to be financial, I have someone who
will help me work around that. That is outstanding -
and had it not been for the Garis disappointment, they
alone would have made the year. Then again, without
Garis I wouldn't have known of their generosity so
everything really did play a part.
Because of that
backing, and the direction of the smaller shows,
ability to do them on the spot with wigs, and of
course "TV friendly" versions - I have extremely high
hopes for this year. I really feel like I will top The
Comedy Store this year. I really feel like I will be
on television in some capacity with 4tvs. I believe
it's very possible that a "break" happens in this
year. I certainly didn't feel that last year. In fact
I've never felt I had the balls to say that any year.
I guess the recipe for such a proclamation is simple:
first you simmer in LA for 4 years, add in severe
highs and lows, add in a dash of desperation, and by
year five you start saying: "THIS IS THE YEAR".
Because inside you're going "It better goddamn be the
year". But more than just hope, the support of the
backers and just overall faith in the product makes me
believe it's this year. And trust me, if I didn't
believe - I'd be the first to say it. I would still
stay out here and push it, but I would readily let you
all know that it at times feels like it's never going
to happen. And I'm sure at points again I'll feel that
way. But for now, my goals for '04 are huge. Seriously
- if I'm not on a big spotlight in 2004, and I mean
television, it will be a failed year in my mind.
And good GOD, how
can this show (once clean) not get on something?! It's
just too good. And I'll find a way to get it there. So
there you have it really. Nothing more than what I
reiterated in my year-end video, though I did it with
a bit more swagger there. Granted it was because I
couldn't stand straight, but it was
swagger.
I was
going to play you a clip of me stating how
big 2004 was going to be, but Roxy stole
the show within the first ten minutes by
stamping
my
crotch.
That's what I get for letting 'em on
the couch for the video. It's just such a
perfect shot - RIGHT as I'm swallowing
some brandy. Heh. Classic. What a way to
start the year - with a kick to the nuts.
LOL.
If that's not an
omen - I don't know what is! Happy New
Year.
