YouTube link added 02.09.09
12:01 AM, Thursday, January 1st, 2004:
Let me first say, I am diggin' the new layout colors man. I was sick of the yellow (supposedly golden) by the second entry last year, but I have a feeling this one will be tough to let go in a year.
There's two real sides to my feelings on 2004. On one hand, I can rationalize with the best of them. I can find a way to make a positive out of any negative and somewhat brainwash myself into believing it. On the other hand I have the logic enough to look at all that's transpired in 4 years, and see it for what it is.
In my day to day life, and in reality - my actions, are always the first side. I may bitch in the entries, but I'm always moving ahead, planning the next move and actually doing the next move. Even in the wretched year that was 2002 - I was still creating, scheming…doing something.
Unfortunately in this journal however the spotlight is ten times as bright. When you have to fill entries, and attach videos - if you're unprepared, or bring nothing to the table - it shows. Kind of like "The Late Show" on WTVN. 6 hours is a loooooooooooong show. I filled it to the max of course, but had I pulled a "Cannon", and read the friggin' paper all night - you would know. You can't hide it.
So a logical man's guess is that I probably won't be a whole lot better off at the end of 2004 as I am now. Lord knows where the overwhelming monetary debt will lead Jess and I this year - and career-wise: it's a total crapshoot. Sure I'll make another show, it will allow me to be "capable" of more exposure, but how I go about that without representation is as up in the air as it's ever been.
Now, how do I feel? I take a lot, and I mean a lot, from the backers. Their belief in me for some reason means everything. No one has ever been so generous. So ready to give without something in return. They don't want to be my manager, or "partner" with me…they just want to see someone they've come to know for a year - MAKE IT. And they believe I can. All from watching the show. It's this overwhelming feeling of: "Thank you! Thank you! I'll show you! You're right!" that is undeniable. As well if one of my barriers in the future happens to be financial, I have someone who will help me work around that. That is outstanding - and had it not been for the Garis disappointment, they alone would have made the year. Then again, without Garis I wouldn't have known of their generosity so everything really did play a part.
Because of that backing, and the direction of the smaller shows, ability to do them on the spot with wigs, and of course "TV friendly" versions - I have extremely high hopes for this year. I really feel like I will top The Comedy Store this year. I really feel like I will be on television in some capacity with 4tvs. I believe it's very possible that a "break" happens in this year. I certainly didn't feel that last year. In fact I've never felt I had the balls to say that any year. I guess the recipe for such a proclamation is simple: first you simmer in LA for 4 years, add in severe highs and lows, add in a dash of desperation, and by year five you start saying: "THIS IS THE YEAR". Because inside you're going "It better goddamn be the year". But more than just hope, the support of the backers and just overall faith in the product makes me believe it's this year. And trust me, if I didn't believe - I'd be the first to say it. I would still stay out here and push it, but I would readily let you all know that it at times feels like it's never going to happen. And I'm sure at points again I'll feel that way. But for now, my goals for '04 are huge. Seriously - if I'm not on a big spotlight in 2004, and I mean television, it will be a failed year in my mind.
And good GOD, how can this show (once clean) not get on something?! It's just too good. And I'll find a way to get it there. So there you have it really. Nothing more than what I reiterated in my year-end video, though I did it with a bit more swagger there. Granted it was because I couldn't stand straight, but it was swagger.
I was going to play you a clip of me stating how big 2004 was going to be, but Roxy stole the show within the first ten minutes by stamping my crotch. That's what I get for letting 'em on the couch for the video. It's just such a perfect shot - RIGHT as I'm swallowing some brandy. Heh. Classic. What a way to start the year - with a kick to the nuts. LOL.
If that's not an omen - I don't know what is! Happy New Year.