(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
12:01 AM, Monday, December 31st, 2007:
It took me making the yearend video (which you must watch in high-def, you can't read everything on YouTube) to really grasp how completely jacked up this year was.
It actually illicits anger from me. That guy in that roller coaster cart is looking back and literally going: "What, the, fuck." I mean you wanna look at the positives of course, but this year makes the Aspen letdown of '01 look like a blowjob. (You know Adam, there were like a hundred things less crass you could've said right there) ...but admit it, you smiled. :-)
And the "eerie omens" of my sports teams? All 4 getting to the championship and then losing? Yeah, don't think that's forgotten. That's the craziest thing I've ever even thought of - and then the omens actually came true unequivocally. Think I won't be watching that OSU/LSU game close next week?
I honestly have to put it in writing again to even accept what I'm saying. The head of Late Night at CBS offered me my own late night show after Fergusen in February. I've been reading this book with you guys for what, 8 years now? ...and folks, that doesn't even register. Even as I type it I think: "Well, how could that go wrong?". And somehow, some way - it vanishes. As does Living Room Live and all things CBS related. Whoooooosh.
It's a fall so big, so monumental...you can't even show it on the coaster. You have to be thrown from the coaster - thrown through the sky, into the clouds, then fall back to the coaster... and then even have that come crashing down. So I sit here, doing my annual year-end entry, and I am completely shell-shocked. I haven't the slightest idea how to even approach how good things got, not because it's so painful (still completely numb), but because none of it means anything.
Take this for example:
The Egos seamlessly on the set of The Young & The Restless doing a sit-com. How does this not register for even a second in this year? How do I get ZERO response? How can you put something like that together...WORK AT CBS, A NATIONAL, NETWORK, TELEVISION,  STATION, and have it not, even, register. No one saw it, absolute and complete indifference. Oh and I'm forgetting what else happened this year...

How much better does my work have to be...to get a meeting. How much more talent do I have to show? How many world-famous sets do I have to invade before someone sees this as more than an internet thing.
In the last year I have added more credibility to my work than at any time in my life, and I am worse off than I was a year ago. ?!?! That's a true statement. I sit here worse off, and literally outdid myself at every opportunity, all year.

And please understand this isn't bitterness... it's amazement. I'm gonna keep going obviously. I'm not mired in some sort of depression and saying "woe is me" and "I'm a victim" or "nobody loves me"... I am literally looking back at this year and trying to comprehend it.
And then even though the entire "Up & Adam" show crashes 'cause Winnie & Ollie (anyone figure that one out yet?) had no authority to actually make it a reality... I make it anyway. And I kill myself. I spend 100 hours on the fucking open alone. Outdo myself again and it means...nothing. Complete indiffence. I just don't know what to say. Simple as that. It's a year that I couldn't have ever imagined...nor did I want to believe it could happen like this. I am in real danger of literally aging myself out of this industry (if I haven't already) before I even get a shot to make it on the next level.
Oh, and that's just my career...
Personally, divorce & then marriage (there's a new order for me). Employed with the best job I've ever had - to having nothing, twice. Which means I go from secure to broke to secure to broke again (where I stand now) in a matter of months. My weight finally drives me nuts as I approach 190 and lose over 20 pounds (165.5) with 15 more to go...I mean goddamn. The Journey has always been a roller coaster, but 2006 & 2007 back to back are absolutely shocking.
The good news, in fact the great news is... I'm alright. I'm fine. I have rolled with everything personally and professionally with such grace and strength I've surprised myself. And the fact that I'm sitting here looking at a 40-day-in-a-row workout streak tomorrow instead of being 200 pounds and drinking heavily is a testament to one thing: this, site. The fact that you are also shaking your head at the audacity of how incredibly unfair this year is helps tremendously. The fact that I know so many of you are thinking out loud: "What, does a brotha, have to DO." is absolutely why I'm "walking on sunshine." You can't phase me. There's nothing you can do anymore that's gonna phase me. The head of late night at CBS offered me my own show after Fergusen and I knew it, believed it, and prepared for it for a month...and it was all bullshit. LOL. That is the definition of: "...what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I have honestly never felt stronger.
I mean now? I'm looking for the next incredible letdown. As sick as that sounds? How much closer can I really get? I think I can start breaking some muthafuckin' records. As I've always done, I'll leave that for tomorrow's entry - but that really is what I think. Because outright making it? I just don't see it happening man. I think my purpose in life is to show just how strong one human being can be. I think these pages will serve as an incredible testament to willpower when it's all said and done, and only a father will be able to paint it as a "success".
My final thought for the year is simple. I said it 6 months ago, and mean it now more than ever:
Fall in love with who you are next year babe. I see it, the readers see it, your loved ones see it... it's up to you now. We all believe in you.
Goodbye 2007,
3:28 PM - you ready for this?
Not only do you cause internal bleeding that kills my dog, 2 days later you don't have time to help me put him down and he dies in agony, 3 months later you send me a bill for medication I never received, then you never respond to my letter that explained how you killed my dog, and now (incredibly the day after I declare myself "healed" from this anger) you send me this?
Happy New Year.