actually illicits anger from me.
That guy in that roller coaster cart is
looking back and literally going: "What,
the, fuck." I mean you wanna look at
the positives of course, but this year
makes the Aspen letdown of '01 look
like a blowjob. (You know Adam, there were
like a hundred things less crass you
could've said right there) ...but admit
it, you smiled. :-)
the "eerie omens" of my sports teams? All
4 getting to the championship and then
losing? Yeah, don't think that's
forgotten. That's the craziest thing I've
ever even thought of - and then the
omens actually came true unequivocally.
Think I won't be watching that
OSU/LSU game close next week?
have to put it in writing again to even accept
what I'm saying. The head of Late Night at CBS offered
me my own late night show after Fergusen in February.
I've been reading this book with you guys for what, 8
years now? ...and folks, that doesn't even register.
Even as I type it I think: "Well, how could
that go wrong?". And somehow, some way - it
vanishes. As does Living Room Live and all things CBS
It's a fall so
big, so monumental...you can't even show it on the
coaster. You have to be thrown from the coaster -
thrown through the sky, into the clouds, then fall
back to the coaster... and then even have that
come crashing down. So I sit here, doing my
annual year-end entry, and I am completely
shell-shocked. I haven't the slightest idea how to
even approach how good things got, not because it's so
painful (still completely numb), but because none of
it means anything.
this for example:
Egos seamlessly on the set of
Young & The
doing a sit-com. How does this not
register for even a second in this year?
How do I get ZERO response? How can
you put something like that
together...WORK AT CBS,
A NATIONAL, NETWORK, TELEVISION,
STATION, and have it not, even,
register. No one saw it, absolute and
complete indifference. Oh and I'm
forgetting what else happened this
much better does my work have to be...to
get a meeting. How much more talent
do I have to show? How many world-famous
sets do I have to invade before someone
sees this as more than an internet
last year I have added more credibility to
my work than at any time in my life, and I
am worse off than I was a year ago.
?!?! That's a true statement. I sit here
worse off, and literally outdid myself at
every opportunity, all year.
understand this isn't bitterness... it's
amazement. I'm gonna keep going obviously. I'm
not mired in some sort of depression and saying "woe
is me" and "I'm a victim" or "nobody loves me"...
I am literally looking back at this year and
trying to comprehend it.
then even though the entire "Up
& Adam" show crashes 'cause
Winnie & Ollie (anyone figure
that one out yet?) had no authority to
actually make it a reality... I make
And I kill myself. I spend 100
hours on the fucking open alone.
Outdo myself again and it means...nothing.
Complete indiffence. I just don't know
what to say. Simple as that. It's a year
that I couldn't have ever imagined...nor
did I want to believe it could
happen like this. I am in real
danger of literally aging myself
out of this industry (if I haven't
already) before I even get a shot to make
it on the next level.
and that's just my
divorce & then marriage (there's a new order for
me). Employed with the best job I've ever had - to
having nothing, twice. Which means I go from secure to
broke to secure to broke again (where I stand now) in
a matter of months. My weight finally drives me nuts
as I approach 190 and lose over 20 pounds (165.5) with
15 more to go...I mean goddamn. The Journey has
always been a roller coaster, but2006 &
2007 back to back are absolutely shocking.
The good news, in
fact the great news is... I'm alright. I'm
fine. I have rolled with everything personally and
professionally with such grace and strength I've
surprised myself. And the fact that I'm sitting here
looking at a 40-day-in-a-row workout streak tomorrow
instead of being 200 pounds and drinking
heavily is a testament to one thing: this,
site. The fact that you are also shaking your
head at the audacity of how incredibly unfair this
year is helps tremendously. The fact that I
know so many of you are thinking out loud: "What, does
a brotha, have to DO." is absolutely why I'm "walking
on sunshine." You can't phase me. There's nothing you
can do anymore that's gonna phase me. The head of
late night at CBS offered me my own show after
Fergusen and I knew it, believed it, and prepared
for it for a month...and it was all bullshit.
LOL. That is the definition of: "...what
doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I have
honestly never felt stronger.
I mean now?
I'm looking for the next incredible letdown. As sick
as that sounds? How much closer can I really get? I
think I can start breaking some muthafuckin' records.
As I've always done, I'll leave that for tomorrow's
entry - but that really is what I think. Because
outright making it? I just don't see it happening
man. I think my purpose in life is to show just how
strong one human being can be. I think these pages
will serve as an incredible testament to willpower
when it's all said and done, and only a father
will be able to paint it as a "success".
My final thought
for the year is simple. I said it 6 months ago, and
mean it now more than ever:
Fall in love with
who you are next year babe. I see it, the readers see
it, your loved ones see it... it's up to you now. We
all believe in you.
3:28 PM - you
ready for this?
Not only do you
cause internal bleeding that kills my dog, 2 days
later you don't have time to help me put him down and
he dies in agony, 3 months later you send me a bill
for medication I never received, then you
never respond to my letter that explained
how you killed my dog, and now (incredibly the
day after I declare myself "healed" from this
anger) you send me this?