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4:41 AM, Tuesday, December 18th, 2007:
Yeah, that's AM. I'm afraid it's nothing as romantically dramatic as insomnia...unless you consider working for days on end on the CD101 Journey romantic. I don't happen to, so - that's why I'm still up (and wide awake) at nearly 5 in the morning.
So I'm ending this "series" and symbolic design from 2004 for the time being. Obviously what Donna did in the last entry really threw me for a loop. More than whether or not she can successfully battle her demons and we can find a way to coexist, that entry really allowed me to calm my own neurosis about my role in everything.
Basically everything that lies in the entry before that, 703, calms down considerably. Anyone in my life that is important enough to need to know what really happened (and I guess everybody since it's public) doesn't have to read my version of it - they can read hers as well. As strange as it sounds, what Donna gave to me is priceless. For a guy staring at his third divorce, that entry put me at ease more than even I could have imagined. Gone is the fear that every word I ever say from now on is seen as some manipulation of the facts. Everyone now knows exactly what we're both going through and for a guy like me it is incredibly liberating.
However, the whole "sharing our intimate details" part is not gonna happen. Donna felt it would be liberating to have the truth out there, and have the world know that she is going to a therapist and is determined to deal with the demons and I understand how she feels. Same reason I post several of the things I do: accountability. I feel uneasy however posting her liberations.If Donna wants to post it on her own site? That's wonderful. But I can't and won't sit here and put private things about someone else on the site. I agreed to this "series" because I get what she's trying to accomplish. It's like telling the world you're going on a "diet". You need that accountability and with releasing these 5 entries - that is done. And in all honesty, Entry 701 says it all. If you read the entire thing, you get it. Rereading it, I honestly don't know how I handled all of that as calmly and patiently as I did. I've been doing that with varying degrees of success for well over a year, and as you now know - it has come to a head. That entrey really is a testament to just how beaten I was.
Things since her entry have been much better, though I do feel a bit like a dog who was kicked too many times. And to let you understand how many times that is, I said that exact same thing in September '06 when I had known her for less than 2 weeks. I felt THAT gunshy THEN because of how up and down she was. 15 months later? Numb. Completely numb. I can go through the motions, and absolutely adore her, but it'll be months before I will be onboard with this. We're looking for the right therapist for her to start with in January, as well she's taking acting classes which will be a good outlet for her. The single act of her wanting this to be "public" is quite a change for her and it has certainly given me more hope than I had before. We'll call it cautiously optomistic, but walking on eggshells every step of the way.
Beneath all the trepidation I have is the unending yearning to help her. It's always been there...however I've known for quite some time that it can't come from me. I may be the reason and/or catalyst to seek help, but I do not have the tools (and am way too close) to unlock her past. I can only love, support...and sing to her. I want so badly for her pain to subside, for her anger to heal... I hurt of for her.
But we're strong, we're hanging in there. As is always the case, what is meant to be will happen here - and that's a product of being honest with each other and ourselves. We jumped staring deportation in the eye and if we break our legs we won't sit here and moan about it. We'll heal and move on. My legs aren't broken, they're just weary...
...and if anyone actually read these 5 entries, so are you. Don't worry, the CD101 Journey'll make you laugh. I'll have it up in a couple days.
Rest easy, Donna,
Let it go,
Rest easy, Donna,
You're my home, you're my home,
Best that you leave it,
Not so fast,
Yes, you'll believe it,
All will pass, all will pass...