(you can always click this picture for the video, or wait until the link within the entry so it makes sense)
7:06 PM, Friday, July 13th, 2007:
I'll be the first to admit I'm a strange bird, but you're gonna be hard pressed to deny that there may be some other force at play. When the 50 year reverse anniversary of your death date, which you dreamed of as a kid, just happens to fall on Friday the 13th and Entry #666 - it's time to throw your hands up. The Journey has its own magic and there's no reason to question it. Most people have centuries-old religions, I have some web pages and a numbering system. I guess we all gotta have something right? Even crazier is that every time I laugh at the pure fantasy of The Journey Gods and magical events happening on certain entry numbers - something like this happens. So best not to make fun of it, at least for today... :-)
So, 50 years left. Whaddya do? It's too much time and too little time. Basically, it'd make a bad movie. 50 days? Good movie. 50 years? Call me in 49. But it's a moment ya gotta respect and I figure the motivation to get to July 13th, 2057 should keep me eating right and working out no matter how much my body wants otherwise.
No the real question is what do you want to have accomplished - that kind of thing. And I'm a very, very lucky man in that regard. I'm already doing it, have been for nearly my whole life, and will continue to until I physically can't. And I'm sure even at that point I will be guilting my kids into helping me continue. It is the act of "Creation" and it is and always has been my drug.
Watching that 9 year old video really hit that home for me last entry. Charlotte mentioned that look in my eye when I saw the camera was like the moment I got "the bug" to be in front of a camera. Truth is I was a ham well before that, and that moment - is really just the product of how goofy it felt eating a coney on tape. "Adam, just stand there and eat it like I'm not here recording you". About halfway through - you get a little self conscious. No what I remember from that moment was how I felt when my father put the video all together, with music and my voice overs - and we sat down and watched it. We had created something. We made art. I couldn't have explained my feelings then, but looking at the last 20 years - it's a pretty obvious pattern. Being on-camera? Its a means to an end. Of course I want to be the guy on camera. Duh. But that's not the magic for me. I want to be the guy editing it too...but it's all just part of the final piece - that's the "bug" to me.
And isn't that what all of this is when its all said and done? My final piece? What will stand as testament to who I was during my 81 years on this planet. The monstrosity that may be an entire life rolled up into 5,000 entries. It is. If someone wants to, they will know me in 100 years. There won't be a cherry-picking of events that make me look good - there will be me. With all the weddings, divorces, triumphs, heartaches, arrogance, self-loathing, believing, doubting... with the only censor being a locked entry here and there when I just couldn't bring myself to show someone else in a bad light. At least those will finally be opened. God the locked entries drive me nuts. I want them open man, I really, really do.
I guess in the next 50 years I want what I've always wanted, more people to see the world through my eyes. I want more people to believe they can do a "journey". That they can leave their mark and that they can determine how they'll be remembered. More than anything I just want to leave no stone unturned. I've accepted I've been blursed (yes you read that correctly, blursed) with these talents and when it's all said and done I want to see just how far they can go. I'm proud of what I've done so far, so I'll gladly take a few more decades of that.
Most of all, I'm pretty stoked I get to spend the next 50 years with Donna. That is if she decides to live to 79. :-) The possibility of having a 50 year anniversary when you've gone through what I have... is a blessing for sure. The bond we're creating now is quite striking. When the constant pressure of "all or nothing" lifted from our relationship what blossomed is breathtaking. It's what we both knew was right on the tips of our fingers and we held on. Whew. I am madly in love with her and daily feel like the luckiest man alive. Considering what's been going on outside of our relationship right now, that's saying a lot.
So to mark my Final Fifty, I create a canvas of love, laughter and a few happy tears. We'll talk again in 2017.
50 years to tell you every day,
That all my fears just go away,
Because you jumped along with me.
50 years to gaze into your eyes,
At all the wonder and surprise,
That we'll bestow upon our lives.
Think of all the laughter that we'll share,
If now's an indicator we'll have washboard stomachs.
And even when there's tears to bare,
We'll spend the day in underwear and you'll zrbrt my stomach...
Yes 50 years to giggle 'bout,
The banker boy without a doubt,
Who never had a chance to be with you.
In 50 years i'll still remember,
Meeting you in late september,
Sure as hell that I would marry you.
Think of all the laughter that we'll share,
If now's an indicator we'll have washboard stomachs.
And even when there's tears to bare,
We'll spend the day in underwear and you'll zrbrt my stomach...
For 50 years...I'll love you.