(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
blacked out until 06.02.07
11:11 PM, Monday,
May 28th 2007:
I will not
lose my freedom.
I can go
anywhere, do anything.
I will not
lose my drive.
thoughtless, selfish actions won't 'cause me stress.
I won't give
you the power again.
lies won't determine my worth.
a game, and we know it.
mounting debt will not cripple me.
I will not
be beholden to bad ideas that force me to wait for
I will take
I will not
revel in sour times and allow them to spoil the sugar
in front of me.
let her go.
I am Adam
Kontras. I am
defined by limitless talent that only self-esteem can
I have the
ability to cure everything that ails me by simply
So I woke up
a little angry yesterday. A month like this can
do that to ya. And while I wallowed in it for awhile
and made cute videos asking "Why don't I care
anymore?" - all I was really doing was being
lazy. Nothing you can learn from that though. It's all
inside you and nothing anyone could've said at those
moments would have pulled me out of it. Was going
through some tough shit and I always take it in
and "own" the depression for a bit.
why I hate self-help shit sometimes. Basically
those first 9 lines up there? Those are my
lines. I can't read someone else's lines and
expect them to have any resounding impact and neither
should you. It's in YOU. And hell don't even listen to
me NOW. Turn off the computer and figure it out for
yourself. Bottom line is I've had one of the most
stressful months of my entire life and it took a toll
Sunday morning when I got up and my body just
said it was time.
of going on craigslist and allowing myself
to get fucked by another roomate I started
moving everything into that room and
making my own studio. At my worst
financial moment when I need extra rent
money worse than I ever have... I'm
erasing that option. Why? Because I'm
fucking Adam Kontras and I keep forgetting
that. I will make a voice-over reel and I
will get work, and make more than a renter
would give me. I will make a
"hosting" video reel and I will
get work because I'm good, I have
experience, and because I said so.
Enough of praying for a check to appear in
the mail because you did a job over a
month ago and assumed you'd actually get
paid. They've shown that I'm the low man
on THEIR totem pole, so I will make other
ones and look down at them.
Man this feels
therapeutic. LOL. It's me just getting inundated with
pressure to such an extent that I just explode.
Unfortunately the locked entries hold all the keys
(symbolically locking your keys in your car) and it
will be some time before they're opened. Trust me when
I tell you that May 2007 may go down as one of
the most stressful in my entire life. But no longer.
Moving my studio into the guesthouse is really the big
one for me. It's owning everything and just embracing
it. I will make enough money to pull this off and to
pull off more houses and more freedom for the rest of
And of course it's
no coincidence that this comes after the last locked
entry saying "I believed". Basically all that hub-bub
in February is not only different than originally
thought...it's gone. I was prepared for it thankfully
(by doing what every positive thinker would poo-poo:
actually thinking), but when the house really did fall
down it was really the last straw. I just can't be
beholden to one or two things anymore. I have to fill
my career with so much shit that the inevitable 4 out
of 5 things that fall through are barely felt. The
America's Got Talent's, the MSNBC's, the Up
& Adam's... they're all just showbiz man.
It's being in the game. And at some point I have
to stop playing this like Chess, and start playing
basketball. You don't get in the game, throw a shot
and then PRAY it goes in. You play ball. You shoot,
you pass, you rebound - you get involved and make shit
happen. You have to be aggressive. LeBron figured that
out finally and so have I. Pick, steal, pass, push,
shoot, dunk, yell and win it. Every team is beatable,
you just have to keep trying.
So yeah, don't
know where this all came from, but there it is.
Thankfully it's my body's way of dealing with
unyielding pressure. I'll take a good beating before
I do this though. I allow you to stack more and
more shit on top of me without saying a lot... just
feeling a bit down - but then when it hits that point
I turn into The Hulk and fling the shit off into
space. I always respond like that. Pretty cool.
It's not designed to work out like that - it's just a
product of what's happened to me in 7 1/2 years.
Though I will admit, each time I get closer and closer
to letting the pieces fall.
I really do wonder
how this is all gonna end. I still have absolutely no
idea where everything is gonna lead me. That's growing
PS - The video is
me starting to turn the studio into my office instead
of renting it out again. As I was moving the desk
actually happened. It's as if my desk is now
permanently stained now that I know it's
"Bush" furniture. I feel all filthy.