(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
blacked out until 06.02.07 & YouTube link added 12.26.07
11:11 PM, Monday, May 28th 2007:
I will not lose my freedom. I can go anywhere, do anything.
I will not lose my drive. Figuratively and literally.
Your thoughtless, selfish actions won't 'cause me stress. I won't give you the power again.
Your petty lies won't determine my worth. You're playing a game, and we know it.
The mounting debt will not cripple me. I'm stronger than you.
I will not be beholden to bad ideas that force me to wait for obvious answers. I will take charge.
I will not revel in sour times and allow them to spoil the sugar in front of me. I won't let her go.
I am Adam Kontras. I am defined by limitless talent that only self-esteem can sabatoge.
I have the ability to cure everything that ails me by simply saying so.
So I woke up a little angry yesterday. A month like this can do that to ya. And while I wallowed in it for awhile and made cute videos asking "Why don't I care anymore?" - all I was really doing was being lazy. Nothing you can learn from that though. It's all inside you and nothing anyone could've said at those moments would have pulled me out of it. Was going through some tough shit and I always take it in and "own" the depression for a bit.
That's honestly why I hate self-help shit sometimes. Basically those first 9 lines up there? Those are my personal lines. I can't read someone else's lines and expect them to have any resounding impact and neither should you. It's in YOU. And hell don't even listen to me NOW. Turn off the computer and figure it out for yourself. Bottom line is I've had one of the most stressful months of my entire life and it took a toll Sunday morning when I got up and my body just said it was time.
Instead of going on craigslist and allowing myself to get fucked by another roomate I started moving everything into that room and making my own studio. At my worst financial moment when I need extra rent money worse than I ever have... I'm erasing that option. Why? Because I'm fucking Adam Kontras and I keep forgetting that. I will make a voice-over reel and I will get work, and make more than a renter would give me. I will make a "hosting" video reel and I will get work because I'm good, I have experience, and because I said so. Enough of praying for a check to appear in the mail because you did a job over a month ago and assumed you'd actually get paid. They've shown that I'm the low man on THEIR totem pole, so I will make other ones and look down at them. ENOUGH.
Man this feels therapeutic. LOL. It's me just getting inundated with pressure to such an extent that I just explode. Unfortunately the locked entries hold all the keys (symbolically locking your keys in your car) and it will be some time before they're opened. Trust me when I tell you that May 2007 may go down as one of the most stressful in my entire life. But no longer. Moving my studio into the guesthouse is really the big one for me. It's owning everything and just embracing it. I will make enough money to pull this off and to pull off more houses and more freedom for the rest of my life.
And of course it's no coincidence that this comes after the last locked entry saying "I believed". Basically all that hub-bub in February is not only different than originally thought...it's gone. I was prepared for it thankfully (by doing what every positive thinker would poo-poo: actually thinking), but when the house really did fall down it was really the last straw. I just can't be beholden to one or two things anymore. I have to fill my career with so much shit that the inevitable 4 out of 5 things that fall through are barely felt. The America's Got Talent's, the MSNBC's, the Up & Adam's... they're all just showbiz man. It's being in the game. And at some point I have to stop playing this like Chess, and start playing basketball. You don't get in the game, throw a shot and then PRAY it goes in. You play ball. You shoot, you pass, you rebound - you get involved and make shit happen. You have to be aggressive. LeBron figured that out finally and so have I. Pick, steal, pass, push, shoot, dunk, yell and win it. Every team is beatable, you just have to keep trying.
So yeah, don't know where this all came from, but there it is. Thankfully it's my body's way of dealing with unyielding pressure. I'll take a good beating before I do this though. I allow you to stack more and more shit on top of me without saying a lot... just feeling a bit down - but then when it hits that point I turn into The Hulk and fling the shit off into space. I always respond like that. Pretty cool. It's not designed to work out like that - it's just a product of what's happened to me in 7 1/2 years. Though I will admit, each time I get closer and closer to letting the pieces fall.
I really do wonder how this is all gonna end. I still have absolutely no idea where everything is gonna lead me. That's growing somewhat tiresome...
PS - The video is me starting to turn the studio into my office instead of renting it out again. As I was moving the desk this actually happened. It's as if my desk is now permanently stained now that I know it's "Bush" furniture. I feel all filthy.