(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
blacked out until 06.02.07, locked until 12.24.07 & YouTube link added 12.26.07
8:00 PM, Wednesday, May 23rd 2007:
It's unreal how it still hurts you at such a unique place that it's indescribeable...even if you saw it coming. When it finally happens a part of you aches and you just never get used to it. I knew in NY that this whole thing was flawed and tried desperately to tell everyone before we made fools of ourselves. I was politely told to keep out, they knew what they were doing. And now we've got nothing.
Headline is that I didn't make much headway. It's not as easy as I thought it would be to get even the stations to give up an hour for our pilots. We should regroup and figure out how to proceed."
God love the man for being honest. I gotta say, I think I will end up liking Vinnie a bunch when it's all said and done because in the end he's just trying to help and create something. Had it not been presented to me in the fashion it was in February there would be no ill will. Of course it doesn't change the fact that I knew goddamn good and well that the approach they were taking had no chance of working. FUCK.
I just have to say it man - WHY ME? At some point you just have to step back and go - are you fucking kidding me? Who has this happen to them. A meeting with CBS in LA on February 10th saying: "THE HEAD OF LATE NIGHT WANTS TO GIVE YOU YOUR OWN SHOW AFTER FERGUSEN". No ifs, ands or buts about it. And it ends up it means about as much as my MOM wanting to give me a show after Fergusen.
Then that LOOONG month of preparing for that. GOD that month. Then finding out Vinnie wants to start on TV then move to the internet? Then this - THEM realizing of course that's never happening and now I'm left with just the internet show? Which I haven't even thought about honestly - but WHERE'S THE MONEY for that? Seriously, what the hell is the budget for that? GOD THE INTERNET is maddening. Every network is scared shitless of it and somehow downplay just how powerful their own medium STILL IS. GAHHHHHHH.
And that's it. All of this, all the phone calls to friends - all the hours and hours of wonderment and joy - erased. A letdown so monumental it just doesn't register...it changes you. This is monumental AFTER Aspen, AFTER America's Got Talent, AFTER Olbermann... This was my own late night talk show from the head of late night at CBS. And it was a complete pipe-dream. How much more can you take? How many more times do I do this before I say fuck it, get a real job, and have a family? Whew...
Anyway this is just coupled with a day of hell on the contract side. You know what's worse than no one returning your call? When they finally do contact you they tell you something bad. 50% of the computer period...and the new contract FINALLY comes... and it's fucking IDENTICAL to the last one. Are you fucking kidding me. I'm worth the exact same to you as I was before you saw ONE EGOS episode? Nothing in there seemed as if I was going above and beyond? Nothing about me always being on time and delivering an incredible product under budget screamed that maybe you would want to show something in good faith? I mean I still haven't fucking been paid for OKLAHOMA. YOU FUCKS. God this is a locked entry. LOL. But seriously - how do they expect someone to react? I shouldn't have even gotten on the plane to Oklahoma! I didn't have a contract! I didn't get a contract until MAY 11TH and again, still haven't been paid. My computer has MELTED from all the stress meeting THEIR timeline and now I have to invest to do their PROJECT? I will make less this time than last? I'm already bleeding guys, you don't need to keep sticking it in.
And ya know what? I'll do it. I'll FUCKING do it. I will do anything they ask because not only am I now in debt up to my ears because of the harddrive, the new computer, and the $50,000 to buy Jess out - what other career options do I have? ?!?!?! Nothing. I have no choices and they know it. And now with Up & Adam being Up & Away I hold even less value to them. At least if we got the funding for that I could stand my ground...now I have nothing. How do things turn so quickly? And when am I ever going to be able to afford health insurance for a FAMILY which now...is what I really want. At what point does this stupid "Journey" become irresponsible, self-absorbant BULLSHIT.
Many would say the moment I chose it over Jessica. That's when I went too far. Only time will tell I guess.
LOCKED. LOCKED. LOCKED. Goddamn I hate locked entries.
I had literally been promised,
the world and more,
and i allowed myself to simply take it in,
i told everyone I knew,
my time had come,
and i allowed myself to FINALLY take it in,
and as it disappeared, the pain returned again...
'cause oh i believed
oh i believed
how i believed...this time.
and i really have to tell ya,
i may be done,
'cause my heart ain't in the journey...anymore.
it's just way too self important,
and when it's said and done,
there is hardly anything to show for sure...
and as that other shoe was falling I ignored...
'cause god i believed
how i believed
christ i believed...this time.