(you can always click this picture for the video, or wait until the link within the entry so it makes sense)
blacked out until 06.02.07 - YouTube link added 02.10.09
11:35 AM, Tuesday, May 22nd 2007:
How did it happen again. When I lost my 250 gig harddrive last year I could barely write the entry or do much of anything. This is so devastating that it's almost spiritual. My external 500 gig harddrive the one so massive I was able to put everyhing on it - everything from CBS, Price is Right bit, every Journey video (last backup in August) - literally everything - died after 6 months. Complete hardware malfunction. I was stuck with 20 gig folders of stuff that I had no way of backing up and just prayed it would last long enough until I had my new harddrive from CBS next month. It didn't...
...this time however, I don't have a choice - if it costs $4000? I do it. $5000? I do it. Losing that information is not an option. Do I have the money? Not even close - it goes on the 2nd mortgage on my house. That's how ridiculous it costs to fix a harddrive you say MORTGAGE in the same sentence. But I'm determined now to fix this once and for all. I have 5 total harddrives - and I don't care if it costs me $10,000 I'm fixing all of them and buying a huge server with tons of mirrored drives. Lifelong indebtedness? Who cares. Nothing feels worse than this - it's like having your house burn down AGAIN 6 months later. So sick. So completely sick.
The other stress in all of this, although she tries to be understanding, Donna just doesn't understand why losing anything is a big deal. Her view on everything is "the next thing will always be better..." so what if I lose the price is right bit forever. So what if I lose all my journey videos, videos of New York, my last videos of Shizzle. It really holds no weight with her. She lives in the present only, doesn't even have any old pictures of family, friends - anything. Such a hard thing to deal with for me. It's very hard going through something this devastating when the other person thinks you're crazy for not being HAPPY about it. She actually thinks it's a time to celebrate and let go of your past. Am I the only person who actually LIKES my past? Who loves what I've done? Who cherishes the choices I've made? Who looks forward to making more inroads and having more great moments? Of course more than just precious things that mean the world to me like Shizzle... I need those bits for my career. That Price is Right bit in particular is priceless. I need that raw footage and uncompressed version for future demo reels and pitches - and if it costs me $4000, it costs me $4000.
And how 'bout the luck this month huh? LOL. Could there be more pressure on me in 4 entries? Just waiting for "Up & Adam" to implode on the 29th....at least it'll all be housed in one month. :-) Then June can be nice. But seriously my luck with harddrives... it's unimaginable. To lose a 250 gig harddrive and a 500 gig harddrive within months of each other when each were under a year old? But I'm determined to never have it happen again. I will pay whatever it costs to get every piece of info I've lost in those 5 drives and then buy that server with mirrored drives and then I just pray that 2 mirrored drives don't die the same day. LOL. That's the day I jump off a cliff by the way. Astronomical chances of course, so there's a 1 in a million chance that I meet my doom from 200 foot fall. Not bad I guess. :-)
At least I have a sense of humor. It's really a product of The Journey now more than anything. I mean we all have valuable memories, photos and what not - but when you chronicle your life like I have the past few years - certain videos become... well priceless. How much is Shizzle's tribute video worth? How 'bout the moment that I got the "Hey it's your agent" call in NY? The break. Fuck The Sopranos video! These are just moments that have no price tag and I don't want to "let go" of them - I want to show them to my grandkids.
Donna and I are good influences on each other in that respect though. Because I love her so friggin' much it REALLY forces me to deconstruct everything I've ever believed. Granted, I end up still building myself back up much the same way - but I do listen, I do try and understand...and she does the same thing. It's a big thing for her to realize that she is changing, and that in the past year it's been one of the most transforming years of her life. She was more close-minded than she thought when we met even though "Free-spirit" implies openness. Man I was so blessed to have WTVN when I was 19-22. I learned so many life lessons talking and listening to people during those years. I just soaked it in. What a strange paragraph this is. Anyway my point was although it is difficult to have someone around you who doesn't understand the pain you'r going through - if you can tough that out and try to see it from their shoes, you can broaden your own mind a bit. My hope is that someday she will have a past that she doesn't want to erase forever and never think about. It's a concept I believe she's probably never even considered.
PS - Sorry, I know it's a bit of a cop-out to reuse a video but at least last time it was a controller card issue that had some intrigue. This puppy just died. Not really sure what video to give you other than me shooting up heroin...and well, that would just take a long time to put together. So here's the August one.