(click the picture above for
the high definition
video - but also click
YouTube
for me!)
blacked out until 06.02.07,
locked until 12.26.07 &
YouTube
link added
12.26.07
8:00 PM, Monday,
May 14th, 2007:
I have
to beg you guys to look at me unbiased for
one entry. I have to ask you to truly put
yourself in my shoes and ask what you
would do...because on face value this
screams melodrama and I've done everything
to avoid that - to no avail. This is just
one of those situations that no one I've
ever known has come across and everyone
I've spoken with about it has thrown their
hands up. This is the definition of
difficult.
But of course it
started difficult. It was something I struggled with
last year in New York. Do you guys really think I
wasn't aware that things were moving too fast then?
That there weren't signs of trouble ahead? Of course
I did. She lived in NY, no computer, limited cell
phone minutes and we met on vacation. What do you do?
Do you leave NY without her? Or do you give it a go?
Can you live with "what if" for the rest of your life?
Do you take someone who is willing to jump in a way
she's never jumped in her whole life for granted? I
don't believe I searched out that drama -
I believe it was the situation at hand and
I did the only thing I could do. You have to
see it through. And realize - this is with all emotion
taken out of the scenario. This is trying to ignore my
heart that wants it more than anything I have ever
known. This is on a completely logical train of
thought. Makes sense to jump. Still does.
So now you move
into the next incredibly difficult situation. We're
back together, things have been great - the only
problem? The one thing I have yet to mention in
all of this. Why do these little disagreements spiral
out of control so quickly? Because of the other
ridiculously difficult predicament we're in that adds
pressure to every moment and has since we left.
Donna's visa runs out at the end of June. At which
point she will not be able to drive or legally be able
to do anything. She actually has all the paperwork
necessary to obtain an Artist's Visa for excellence in
her field (acting) from South Africa. However after
visiting with a lawyer last month we soon found out
it's incredibly expensive ($10,000 range) and he
looked us straight in the eye and said, if you are at
all contemplating marriage - it'll cost ya $800 and be
ten times easier than the Artist's Visa. Understand
the pressure now? Understand why it's been all or
nothing every second?
Please also
realize it's the subject that gets Donna ready to
fight like a boxer when uttered. She will NOT marry or
be beholden to anyone to stay in this country. She is
very, very, proud - busted her ASS to get here,
and has what it takes to stay here... except another
$10,000. Christ it took her life savings to
GET OUT HERE. However, we've obviously
talked about marriage, kids - everything. It's been a
struggle for her to even imagine being in a
relationship with someone, but in the past 2 months
she's really let go of all that shit and just been
happy. We both want kids, we're both madly
in love
with each other...so why not, right?
HOW 'BOUT
I'M NOT EVEN FRIGGIN' DIVORCED YET.
Now granted, it's been nearly 3 years since Jess and I
split up but the comedic angle of it is that indeed
I'm still married. The court date for it to be
official is June 20th and Donna's Visa runs out June
28th. I mean come on. Contrary to popular belief I
don't collect marriages like souvenirs. I am not ready
to do this again so quickly. I am
not...
...but am I
ready to never see her again? Of course not...but
I don't feel a whole lot of stability these past
9 months...and to get married? Again, contrary to
popular belief I actually DO respect marriage and
I don't take it lightly. It is for life. That's
what no one ever considers man... I actually get "Well
I'm sure you want the next one to REALLY work out"
Yes, yes because the first 2? Nah, it was for fun. For
fuck's sake do you know the emotional toll it takes to
prepare yourself to get married? Every single
fiber of my body believed I would die with that
person. I was DEVASTATED when they ended. They were
the most humiliating moments of my life. And I
know that this is too fast. Just like
I knew it was too fast in NY...but I'm simply not
afforded the luxury of time right now. I'm
not.
And the worst
part? THIS is the stress that makes arguments over
JUICING (vegetables not steroids) turn into the end of
the world. Pressure trumps love, if only momentarily.
When every single moment of the relationship is judged
by "Marriage or break up" you start to lose your shit.
'Cause we're overdramatic? No - because there's
literally a goddamn ticking clock over our heads.
Think of it from her perspective. Had she just been
alone in NY and spent her time working on the Artist's
Visa she would probably have it by now. Then she falls
in love, spends the majority of her time working on
that and is now stuck up against a wall where at this
point - it's marriage or nothing. A prospect that
turns her stomach even as I'm typing it... but we both
want it. I just want more time, something I don't
have...
...but christ how
much time would that be? Talk about gun-shy.
I was gun-shy with JESSICA. Now? Fuck man... I
don't know what would EVER make me feel completely
comfortable getting married again. This really is my
ultimate test. It's like the Journey Gods decided to
throw one final situation at me to see just how
sincerely I "Follow My Heart". Can I take a leap
of faith this big? Can I still wear my heart on my
sleeve and make a choice that I know everyone
thinks is wrong? Who reading this isn't thinking in
the back of your mind: "Adam's getting used for
a greencard". Hell I was told that in NEW YORK.
Yet if I say I have absolutely no doubt
that this isn't the case I look even more
foolish. So it's the case where you truly, sincerely,
completely...follow your heart and not give two shits
what anyone else thinks. Which would be a whole lot
easier if I just had a little more time to make
this choice.
