(click the picture above for the high definition video - but also click YouTube for me!)
blacked out until 06.02.07, locked until 12.26.07 & YouTube link added 12.26.07
8:00 PM, Monday, May 14th, 2007:
I have to beg you guys to look at me unbiased for one entry. I have to ask you to truly put yourself in my shoes and ask what you would do...because on face value this screams melodrama and I've done everything to avoid that - to no avail. This is just one of those situations that no one I've ever known has come across and everyone I've spoken with about it has thrown their hands up. This is the definition of difficult.
But of course it started difficult. It was something I struggled with last year in New York. Do you guys really think I wasn't aware that things were moving too fast then? That there weren't signs of trouble ahead? Of course I did. She lived in NY, no computer, limited cell phone minutes and we met on vacation. What do you do? Do you leave NY without her? Or do you give it a go? Can you live with "what if" for the rest of your life? Do you take someone who is willing to jump in a way she's never jumped in her whole life for granted? I don't believe I searched out that drama - I believe it was the situation at hand and I did the only thing I could do. You have to see it through. And realize - this is with all emotion taken out of the scenario. This is trying to ignore my heart that wants it more than anything I have ever known. This is on a completely logical train of thought. Makes sense to jump. Still does.
So now you move into the next incredibly difficult situation. We're back together, things have been great - the only problem? The one thing I have yet to mention in all of this. Why do these little disagreements spiral out of control so quickly? Because of the other ridiculously difficult predicament we're in that adds pressure to every moment and has since we left. Donna's visa runs out at the end of June. At which point she will not be able to drive or legally be able to do anything. She actually has all the paperwork necessary to obtain an Artist's Visa for excellence in her field (acting) from South Africa. However after visiting with a lawyer last month we soon found out it's incredibly expensive ($10,000 range) and he looked us straight in the eye and said, if you are at all contemplating marriage - it'll cost ya $800 and be ten times easier than the Artist's Visa. Understand the pressure now? Understand why it's been all or nothing every second?
Please also realize it's the subject that gets Donna ready to fight like a boxer when uttered. She will NOT marry or be beholden to anyone to stay in this country. She is very, very, proud - busted her ASS to get here, and has what it takes to stay here... except another $10,000. Christ it took her life savings to GET OUT HERE. However, we've obviously talked about marriage, kids - everything. It's been a struggle for her to even imagine being in a relationship with someone, but in the past 2 months she's really let go of all that shit and just been happy. We both want kids, we're both madly in love with each other...so why not, right?
HOW 'BOUT I'M NOT EVEN FRIGGIN' DIVORCED YET. Now granted, it's been nearly 3 years since Jess and I split up but the comedic angle of it is that indeed I'm still married. The court date for it to be official is June 20th and Donna's Visa runs out June 28th. I mean come on. Contrary to popular belief I don't collect marriages like souvenirs. I am not ready to do this again so quickly. I am not...
...but am I ready to never see her again? Of course not...but I don't feel a whole lot of stability these past 9 months...and to get married? Again, contrary to popular belief I actually DO respect marriage and I don't take it lightly. It is for life. That's what no one ever considers man... I actually get "Well I'm sure you want the next one to REALLY work out" Yes, yes because the first 2? Nah, it was for fun. For fuck's sake do you know the emotional toll it takes to prepare yourself to get married? Every single fiber of my body believed I would die with that person. I was DEVASTATED when they ended. They were the most humiliating moments of my life. And I know that this is too fast. Just like I knew it was too fast in NY...but I'm simply not afforded the luxury of time right now. I'm not.
And the worst part? THIS is the stress that makes arguments over JUICING (vegetables not steroids) turn into the end of the world. Pressure trumps love, if only momentarily. When every single moment of the relationship is judged by "Marriage or break up" you start to lose your shit. 'Cause we're overdramatic? No - because there's literally a goddamn ticking clock over our heads. Think of it from her perspective. Had she just been alone in NY and spent her time working on the Artist's Visa she would probably have it by now. Then she falls in love, spends the majority of her time working on that and is now stuck up against a wall where at this point - it's marriage or nothing. A prospect that turns her stomach even as I'm typing it... but we both want it. I just want more time, something I don't have...
...but christ how much time would that be? Talk about gun-shy. I was gun-shy with JESSICA. Now? Fuck man... I don't know what would EVER make me feel completely comfortable getting married again. This really is my ultimate test. It's like the Journey Gods decided to throw one final situation at me to see just how sincerely I "Follow My Heart". Can I take a leap of faith this big? Can I still wear my heart on my sleeve and make a choice that I know everyone thinks is wrong? Who reading this isn't thinking in the back of your mind:  "Adam's getting used for a greencard". Hell I was told that in NEW YORK. Yet if I say I have absolutely no doubt that this isn't the case I look even more foolish. So it's the case where you truly, sincerely, completely...follow your heart and not give two shits what anyone else thinks. Which would be a whole lot easier if I just had a little more time to make this choice.
This is quite the predicament.