I see
a tired man, with soft eyes. His cares are
few, his speed is slow, his heart is full.
He knows goddamn well he can't defend his
actions and for once in his life he
doesn't care. He doesn't have to defend
his actions, his feelings... he's allowed
to just be happy. He's allowed to look
into her eyes and just sigh. He knows that
for the rest of his life, no matter what
happens, he could look into those eyes and
be re-energized in a moment. He's got 50
years left, and he wants to spend them
feeling exactly how he does right
now.
He won't listen to
the fact that he has hardly any control over the
reality of that, she controls that key...but those
eyes tell me he believes in her.
I need to
make the perespective very clear about the song.
That's HER singing to ME. I just felt
what she was saying to me so much, I wrote a song
for her feelings as opposed to mine. She didn't
even get that one which lead to all sorts of confusion
a couple nights ago. :-)
So yeah, Donna and
I are very much together. It may or may not be
locked right now, so I can summarize by saying on
February...uhm 6th? Yeah, I finally threw my
hands up for the last time. DONE. She got a new
apartment, paid the security deposit, was out on the
27th when my dad came into town and I was
D-O-N-E. Already trying to meet other people, doing
absolutely ANYTHING I could think of to draw a
line in the sand and say -
THE CYCLE IS OVER. For 20 weeks we
banged our heads against the wall, giving up on
everything WEEKLY, and nearly every time because Donna
just could, not, wrap her head around the fact that
she was actually happy in a relationship. I guess when
you live your whole life certain you will never fall
in love - it fucks your psyche up a bit when you do.
Go figure.
The change of
course happened when she realized that the answer to
all her problems, the greenest grass she could find,
bachelordom... made her more miserable than before.
She ached. Her heart and body ached even though her
head continued to say: "THIS IS RIGHT,
THIS IS RIGHT". Before, there was never that
ache - she knew she had made a horrible mistake. After
a week of being apart, Adam goes to NY and soon
it's clear she knows exactly what she took for granted
and is beside herself at the thought of throwing it
away. She has one saving grace however... Adam loved
her. A bunch. Whereas Donna told her friends and
family she was happy to be on her own, and knew she
was better off... Adam told everyone that he loved her
to death, was heartbroken she couldn't see it, but
that he couldn't handle the ups and downs anymore and
asked her to leave. So the real question is...what the
hell am I thinking?
I'm not honestly.
When my head demands that answer from me I tell it:
"There is no malice in her actions, she is working
through a lifetime of baggage and somehow I still
have the patience for it". And that's it really. It
really feels like someone who threw everything away
and then went: "Oh FUCK. Wait a second. CTRL-Z
please." (wow if that's not a computer geek reference
I don't know what is). And I've never known a
more peaceful, happy, content relationship than when
Donna is on-board with us. I've said it consistently
since the moment I met her. The light shines so bright
when we're together. The thing is, I know how
rare and special it is because I've been down the
long-term relationship road oh so many times. It's
just a matter of whether she can see what's in front
of her.
The thing is, I'm
in such a good place at my core. No matter what the
fate is, I'm alright. I cannot deny how amazing
she makes me feel, and how wonderful we are together,
and right now she sees it. It's the most relaxed I've
felt in quite some time. If it's meant to be, it'll
work out. I really believe that, and I know how badly
she wants this. And my GOD how our hearts and
bodies want this and respond to each other. We could
lay in each other's arms for days and never think
about a thing. It is just... heh. It's just love Adam.
