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8:56 PM, Sunday, March 18th, 2007:
What do I see here...
I see a tired man, with soft eyes. His cares are few, his speed is slow, his heart is full. He knows goddamn well he can't defend his actions and for once in his life he doesn't care. He doesn't have to defend his actions, his feelings... he's allowed to just be happy. He's allowed to look into her eyes and just sigh. He knows that for the rest of his life, no matter what happens, he could look into those eyes and be re-energized in a moment. He's got 50 years left, and he wants to spend them feeling exactly how he does right now.
He won't listen to the fact that he has hardly any control over the reality of that, she controls that key...but those eyes tell me he believes in her.
And how does she feel? Here's my take on her perspective on this:
i dont care what i'm supposed to do,
my heart & body long to be with you,
if i don't listen to them i'll be through,
and my head will come around
i've enticed it by the sound
of my heart & body making love to you
i have never ached like this before,
never knew a heart could feel so sore,
i wonder why my mind started this war?
but my head will come around
i've enticed it by the sound
of my heart & body making love to you
babe i know i've pushed you through the wall,
i know you finally said you gave it all,
but if you jump again, i promise you won't fall,
and my head will come around
i've enticed it by the sound
of my heart & body making love to you...
I need to make the perespective very clear about the song. That's HER singing to ME. I just felt what she was saying to me so much, I wrote a song for her feelings as opposed to mine. She didn't even get that one which lead to all sorts of confusion a couple nights ago. :-)
So yeah, Donna and I are very much together. It may or may not be locked right now, so I can summarize by saying on February...uhm 6th? Yeah, I finally threw my hands up for the last time. DONE. She got a new apartment, paid the security deposit, was out on the 27th when my dad came into town and I was D-O-N-E. Already trying to meet other people, doing absolutely ANYTHING I could think of to draw a line in the sand and say - THE CYCLE IS OVER. For 20 weeks we banged our heads against the wall, giving up on everything WEEKLY, and nearly every time because Donna just could, not, wrap her head around the fact that she was actually happy in a relationship. I guess when you live your whole life certain you will never fall in love - it fucks your psyche up a bit when you do. Go figure.
The change of course happened when she realized that the answer to all her problems, the greenest grass she could find, bachelordom... made her more miserable than before. She ached. Her heart and body ached even though her head continued to say:  "THIS IS RIGHT, THIS IS RIGHT". Before, there was never that ache - she knew she had made a horrible mistake. After a week of being apart, Adam goes to NY and soon it's clear she knows exactly what she took for granted and is beside herself at the thought of throwing it away. She has one saving grace however... Adam loved her. A bunch. Whereas Donna told her friends and family she was happy to be on her own, and knew she was better off... Adam told everyone that he loved her to death, was heartbroken she couldn't see it, but that he couldn't handle the ups and downs anymore and asked her to leave. So the real question is...what the hell am I thinking?
I'm not honestly. When my head demands that answer from me I tell it: "There is no malice in her actions, she is working through a lifetime of baggage and somehow I still have the patience for it". And that's it really. It really feels like someone who threw everything away and then went: "Oh FUCK. Wait a second. CTRL-Z please." (wow if that's not a computer geek reference I don't know what is). And I've never known a more peaceful, happy, content relationship than when Donna is on-board with us. I've said it consistently since the moment I met her. The light shines so bright when we're together. The thing is, I know how rare and special it is because I've been down the long-term relationship road oh so many times. It's just a matter of whether she can see what's in front of her.
The thing is, I'm in such a good place at my core. No matter what the fate is, I'm alright. I cannot deny how amazing she makes me feel, and how wonderful we are together, and right now she sees it. It's the most relaxed I've felt in quite some time. If it's meant to be, it'll work out. I really believe that, and I know how badly she wants this. And my GOD how our hearts and bodies want this and respond to each other. We could lay in each other's arms for days and never think about a thing. It is just... heh. It's just love Adam.