I turned a
corner today. There's just this overwhelming feeling
of "priority shift" and there's no turning back. Donna
was literally the last possible chance of having a
long-term relationship before my world is turned
upside down and barring a complete meltdown next week
in New York, there's is just no way I will be able to
give so much of myself to another person for quite
some time. I can't even dabble in monogamy. I can't
even dabble in second dates. I know myself too
well. My heart sees potential, and soon I'm giving
110% to the situation at almost all cost. Donna was
really me giving everything (so many times I can
barely understand it myself) just hoping,
praying...'cause I knew my career was barreling
towards something. We broke up on the 6th, I got
the "Up & Adam" news on the 10th - and from
that point, I knew there was no turning back. The
thought of going through this next part of my life
alone is incredibly frightening to me - but it's now
the truth. And I accept it.
So Donna moved out
today. It was an incredibly emotional day for both of
us, and it just proved to me why I cannot
do this anymore. Relationships affect me so deeply. I
love her. With all of my heart I love her and
want so badly for the good times to outweigh the bad,
but they don't. My logic is broken, my heart is
broken...but as I said in the song, all that's
left to say is goodbye 'cause I've done everything
else. Can't keep over-analyzing it. Best analogy
I could find was that I can't dunk a basketball
and I don't spend a whole lot of time wondering
why...I just know I can't do it.
Of course the
reason Donna moved out today was because my dad
got into town tonight and I asked three weeks ago
if that could be the date as I didn't want to
stress him out the way we stressed out my mom. Donna
stressed herself out to the point of being sick in bed
for 4 of the 6 days my mom was here and this place
turned into an eggshell factory. Good times. So
I dropped Donna off at 8 and turned right around to
pick up my dad. Talk about an emotional
swing.
See, today starts
off a long string of events that are just so goddamn
exciting I can't even think about them...
Tuesday, 27th -
dad gets in.
Thursday, 1st -
we do the final episode
Saturday, 3rd -
dad leaves
Monday, 5th-
final episode airs
Tuesday, 6th -
I fly to NY
Wednesday, 7th
- 12:30, meeting with head of latenight - 2:30,
meeting with Friedman
Thursday, 8th -
on The Early Show announcing the
winner.
Saturday, 10th
- my dad gets into Manhattan.
Tuesday, 13th -
on The Early Show again introducing the winner. Dad
and I leave that night.
Friday, 16th -
Jess and Jeff (her new man) get in and are staying
with me until the 21st.
Wednesday, 21st
- I may go back to Columbus for 2 weeks to
celebrate.
It's emotional
overload. Even picking my dad up today was
different. He knows it, I know it - the
world seems to know it. Of course there are two things
that add even more emotion to this. The first is
fleeting, but seems to come up more and more the
closer I get to the meeting:
"Oh shit, what if
this somehow doesn't happen."
I say
fleeting because I just can't imagine the
scenario that things don't work out, or they give me
any sort of bad news on Wednesday... then have me on
the air the next morning and again on Tuesday. It's
clear they know more than I do and it's not
negative. Same situation as in September. They aren't
setting up a meeting with all of these people to say
they've passed. I fully expect that we'll talk
about when/where we're shooting the Test Show (I
assume Fergusen's set) and we'll be off. But it's
still somewhat nagging. All reactions have been that
this is a done deal, and I haven't stopped them.
I've enjoyed it and ran with it. It could be a
dinosaur egg I'm cracking over my face and until
I know for sure that feeling will
linger.
The second issue
is a bit more real to me and seems to be the "balance"
in all of this. I'm going into a world I don't know as
it relates to women. I'm not really sure how I'm gonna
deal with being truly lonely...and the further along
I get in this thing the more isolated I see
myself getting. Trust is already a gigantic
issue with me and I'm gonna be second-guessing from
the first "hello" with anyone new. I know
I have to avoid getting serious - but how
the fuck is that possible? I open my mouth for
more than 5 minutes and I illicit a response from most
women that would BLOW your MINDS. All the sudden
they've known me for years, they're as comfortable as
they've ever been, they start re-evaluating everything
they've ever believed in... I am not very well trained
in how to give a little. I go 110% always. It
is honestly no wonder celebrities use prostitutes. It
has nothing to do with them not being able to get any
on their own, no quite the contrary, it's because they
know damn well that the only women that won't
want to be in a relationship with them are
professionals... hell and I guarantee even that isn't
always true. I would be the guy that gets the hooker
to change her ways. (sigh).
Because
of the show however, I'm determined
to figure out how to operate on a more
superficial level. I have to. I need
to give my utmost attention to a 5 day a
week late night show as I'm starting on
the very bottom...and my
GOD am I gonna blow the
television world UP. Heh, and Adam. Man,
is there any other business
like
show
business?
It's such a ludicrous feast or famine
scenario on a weekly basis. But anyway,
that second issue is weighing on me but it
too is fleeting. The overwhelming majority
of the time I am so goddamn happy
I can't stand it. This is gonna be an
amazing 3 weeks...and all of it LOCKED.
LOL.
How much does that
suck...
Adam
there's no
business like show business, there's no business i
know...
yesterday
they told you you were lacking,
now their
offers send you through the air,
tomorrow
they'll tell you to start your
packing,
you lost
your backing, but you still don't
care...
'cause
there's no people like show people, your highs
battle your lows...
