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unlocked 09.11.07 - YouTube link added 01.28.09
11:31 PM, Tuesday, February 27th, 2007:
I turned a corner today. There's just this overwhelming feeling of "priority shift" and there's no turning back. Donna was literally the last possible chance of having a long-term relationship before my world is turned upside down and barring a complete meltdown next week in New York, there's is just no way I will be able to give so much of myself to another person for quite some time. I can't even dabble in monogamy. I can't even dabble in second dates. I know myself too well. My heart sees potential, and soon I'm giving 110% to the situation at almost all cost. Donna was really me giving everything (so many times I can barely understand it myself) just hoping, praying...'cause I knew my career was barreling towards something. We broke up on the 6th, I got the "Up & Adam" news on the 10th - and from that point, I knew there was no turning back. The thought of going through this next part of my life alone is incredibly frightening to me - but it's now the truth. And I accept it.
So Donna moved out today. It was an incredibly emotional day for both of us, and it just proved to me why I cannot do this anymore. Relationships affect me so deeply. I love her. With all of my heart I love her and want so badly for the good times to outweigh the bad, but they don't. My logic is broken, my heart is broken...but as I said in the song, all that's left to say is goodbye 'cause I've done everything else. Can't keep over-analyzing it. Best analogy I could find was that I can't dunk a basketball and I don't spend a whole lot of time wondering why...I just know I can't do it.
Of course the reason Donna moved out today was because my dad got into town tonight and I asked three weeks ago if that could be the date as I didn't want to stress him out the way we stressed out my mom. Donna stressed herself out to the point of being sick in bed for 4 of the 6 days my mom was here and this place turned into an eggshell factory. Good times. So I dropped Donna off at 8 and turned right around to pick up my dad. Talk about an emotional swing.
See, today starts off a long string of events that are just so goddamn exciting I can't even think about them...
Tuesday, 27th - dad gets in.
Thursday, 1st - we do the final episode
Saturday, 3rd - dad leaves
Monday, 5th- final episode airs
Tuesday, 6th - I fly to NY
Wednesday, 7th - 12:30, meeting with head of latenight - 2:30, meeting with Friedman
Thursday, 8th - on The Early Show announcing the winner.
Saturday, 10th - my dad gets into Manhattan.
Tuesday, 13th - on The Early Show again introducing the winner. Dad and I leave that night.
Friday, 16th - Jess and Jeff (her new man) get in and are staying with me until the 21st.
Wednesday, 21st - I may go back to Columbus for 2 weeks to celebrate.
It's emotional overload. Even picking my dad up today was different. He knows it, I know it - the world seems to know it. Of course there are two things that add even more emotion to this. The first is fleeting, but seems to come up more and more the closer I get to the meeting:
"Oh shit, what if this somehow doesn't happen."
I say fleeting because I just can't imagine the scenario that things don't work out, or they give me any sort of bad news on Wednesday... then have me on the air the next morning and again on Tuesday. It's clear they know more than I do and it's not negative. Same situation as in September. They aren't setting up a meeting with all of these people to say they've passed. I fully expect that we'll talk about when/where we're shooting the Test Show (I assume Fergusen's set) and we'll be off. But it's still somewhat nagging. All reactions have been that this is a done deal, and I haven't stopped them. I've enjoyed it and ran with it. It could be a dinosaur egg I'm cracking over my face and until I know for sure that feeling will linger.
The second issue is a bit more real to me and seems to be the "balance" in all of this. I'm going into a world I don't know as it relates to women. I'm not really sure how I'm gonna deal with being truly lonely...and the further along I get in this thing the more isolated I see myself getting. Trust is already a gigantic issue with me and I'm gonna be second-guessing from the first "hello" with anyone new. I know I have to avoid getting serious - but how the fuck is that possible? I open my mouth for more than 5 minutes and I illicit a response from most women that would BLOW your MINDS. All the sudden they've known me for years, they're as comfortable as they've ever been, they start re-evaluating everything they've ever believed in... I am not very well trained in how to give a little. I go 110% always. It is honestly no wonder celebrities use prostitutes. It has nothing to do with them not being able to get any on their own, no quite the contrary, it's because they know damn well that the only women that won't want to be in a relationship with them are professionals... hell and I guarantee even that isn't always true. I would be the guy that gets the hooker to change her ways. (sigh).
Because of the show however, I'm determined to figure out how to operate on a more superficial level. I have to. I need to give my utmost attention to a 5 day a week late night show as I'm starting on the very bottom...and my GOD am I gonna blow the television world UP. Heh, and Adam. Man, is there any other business like show business?  It's such a ludicrous feast or famine scenario on a weekly basis. But anyway, that second issue is weighing on me but it too is fleeting. The overwhelming majority of the time I am so goddamn happy I can't stand it. This is gonna be an amazing 3 weeks...and all of it LOCKED. LOL.
How much does that suck...
there's no business like show business, there's no business i know...
yesterday they told you you were lacking,
now their offers send you through the air,
tomorrow they'll tell you to start your packing,
you lost your backing, but you still don't care...
'cause there's no people like show people, your highs battle your lows...
even when you thought that you would not go far,
you stuck it out, and now here you are,
have you risked your hapiness to be a star?
Who knows, on with the show...