No
matter what I write, you'll think you
have some idea what I mean. I assure
you...you don't. The
song
doesn't say it, the words don't say it,
the past entries don't say it, nor should
they I guess. It's a private thing
between two people and will stay that way.
It's frustrating to me because I know
I am permanently changed from this
experience and that's what I've always
hoped to chronicle. You will never
understand how much of my mental health
I handed over in an effort to be
patient while spitting in the face of my
intellect and experience. The intellect
and experience that told me to run on a
weekly basis since the moment we met.
That's what this entry is for more than
anything. Trying to personally understand
why I ignored so much. To do that I have
to reiterate what I saw (and still see) in
her:
Everything I've
ever hoped for in a partner, and an even bigger list
of things I never thought I'd have. There's an asterik
to every item however: every few days, without fail
and without reason, that list goes out the window.
Replaced with a person I can't recognize, who won't
communicate any feeling, who seemingly on-purpose acts
out the opposite of every one of her previous
strengths all the while making you feel like you're
fucking cray-z. That isn't a typo. CRAY-Z.
So why. Why did
I spend exactly 20 weeks (to the day) banging my
head against the wall and ignoring all of my
experience that said this wouldn't work? After
thinking about it for a bit, one thing keeps coming
up: There was no malice. At the end of every meltdown
was a frustrated, frightened, loving person who
admittedly threw her hands up and said: "I'm sorry,
I'm just not used to being challenged, I want
this to work." I knew that even being in a
relationship was the antithesis of everything she
believed in previous to me. That solitude was what she
gained her strength from, and it was a re-learning of
everything to even be comfortable with the word
"boyfriend". As baggage goes, this would be the
motherload. But again, as hard as it was for me - it
was 10 times harder for her. She's given everything to
try and communicate and work this out.
Funny, reading
that you're probably wondering why I can't be
more patient. LOL. Truth is? It doesn't matter
why...I just can't. You can't watch a loop of a
guy missing a 3 pointer 50 times in a row and expect
him to make it on the 51st. All you can do is stop the
fucking loop and watch something else. No better
analogy than that.
And ya know what's
been the biggest reason this has dragged out for so
long? I called it the night we met. Goddamnit I
listened intently to her, went back to my hotel room
and typed this:
"The thought
of playing "superman" and expending effort trying
to show this woman how incredible life is when you
knock down those walls and feel... just doesn't
appeal to me in the least anymore. Been there, done
that, and they never get it in the
end."
It was that
arrogance that made me keep trying to prove myself
wrong. I hated that I was so quick to judge
someone...but goddamnit Adam, there's a reason you
felt that way. You've chronicled every fucking moment
in your life for a reason: TO LEARN. To not
make the same mistakes twice. I mean you not only read
these lessons - YOU WROTE THEM - yet you
still seem to think it's arrogant to listen to them?
The truth is this whole thing hit my absolute biggest
weakness that I'm pretty certain I will never be able
to conquer: potential. If I see potential, and
someone who sincerely wants to reach that potential,
I literally ignore everything I've ever known to
help. No matter how many times I get burned, I
keep jumping. But ya know what changes? My faith. My
jumps now are reckless because I know I'm getting
burned. I don't trust for SHIT anymore. Oh I'll
still jump in and try as hard as I can, but I'm
wincing almost on contact. I don't know how this
doesn't catch-up with me at some point...
For now however,
I am done. I'm so sad I can barely look at
her. She looks and sounds like the person I love so
dearly and want to create a life with...but it's a
loop. So I just remind myself of the glass, the mug
& the straw...and turn off the TV. The title
referring to our last argument that is so inane
I can't repeat it without hurting her, but it's
what finally showed me there was no way I could
continue. We all need those moments when making
difficult decisions, and they never happen like you
think. Ya know? You always think it's gonna be some
monumental event, and the foundation for the choice
may be monumental, but it really is a straw in almost
every situation. Man that's weird, isn't it? We're
really like a glass of water filling up drop by drop
and one drop does it.
And I tell
you I've poured out that glass and refilled it 20
times.
