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UNLOCKED 03.20.07 & YouTube link added 12.22.07
10:52 PM, Friday, February 9th, 2007:
No matter what I write, you'll think you have some idea what I mean. I assure you...you don't. The song doesn't say it, the words don't say it, the past entries don't say it, nor should they I guess. It's a private thing between two people and will stay that way. It's frustrating to me because I know I am permanently changed from this experience and that's what I've always hoped to chronicle. You will never understand how much of my mental health I handed over in an effort to be patient while spitting in the face of my intellect and experience. The intellect and experience that told me to run on a weekly basis since the moment we met. That's what this entry is for more than anything. Trying to personally understand why I ignored so much. To do that I have to reiterate what I saw (and still see) in her:
Everything I've ever hoped for in a partner, and an even bigger list of things I never thought I'd have. There's an asterik to every item however: every few days, without fail and without reason, that list goes out the window. Replaced with a person I can't recognize, who won't communicate any feeling, who seemingly on-purpose acts out the opposite of every one of her previous strengths all the while making you feel like you're fucking cray-z. That isn't a typo. CRAY-Z.
So why. Why did I spend exactly 20 weeks (to the day) banging my head against the wall and ignoring all of my experience that said this wouldn't work? After thinking about it for a bit, one thing keeps coming up: There was no malice. At the end of every meltdown was a frustrated, frightened, loving person who admittedly threw her hands up and said: "I'm sorry, I'm just not used to being challenged, I want this to work." I knew that even being in a relationship was the antithesis of everything she believed in previous to me. That solitude was what she gained her strength from, and it was a re-learning of everything to even be comfortable with the word "boyfriend". As baggage goes, this would be the motherload. But again, as hard as it was for me - it was 10 times harder for her. She's given everything to try and communicate and work this out.
Funny, reading that you're probably wondering why I can't be more patient. LOL. Truth is? It doesn't matter why...I just can't. You can't watch a loop of a guy missing a 3 pointer 50 times in a row and expect him to make it on the 51st. All you can do is stop the fucking loop and watch something else. No better analogy than that.
And ya know what's been the biggest reason this has dragged out for so long? I called it the night we met. Goddamnit I listened intently to her, went back to my hotel room and typed this:
"The thought of playing "superman" and expending effort trying to show this woman how incredible life is when you knock down those walls and feel... just doesn't appeal to me in the least anymore. Been there, done that, and they never get it in the end."
It was that arrogance that made me keep trying to prove myself wrong. I hated that I was so quick to judge someone...but goddamnit Adam, there's a reason you felt that way. You've chronicled every fucking moment in your life for a reason:  TO LEARN. To not make the same mistakes twice. I mean you not only read these lessons - YOU WROTE THEM - yet you still seem to think it's arrogant to listen to them? The truth is this whole thing hit my absolute biggest weakness that I'm pretty certain I will never be able to conquer: potential. If I see potential, and someone who sincerely wants to reach that potential, I literally ignore everything I've ever known to help. No matter how many times I get burned, I keep jumping. But ya know what changes? My faith. My jumps now are reckless because I know I'm getting burned. I don't trust for SHIT anymore. Oh I'll still jump in and try as hard as I can, but I'm wincing almost on contact. I don't know how this doesn't catch-up with me at some point...
For now however, I am done. I'm so sad I can barely look at her. She looks and sounds like the person I love so dearly and want to create a life with...but it's a loop. So I just remind myself of the glass, the mug & the straw...and turn off the TV. The title referring to our last argument that is so inane I can't repeat it without hurting her, but it's what finally showed me there was no way I could continue. We all need those moments when making difficult decisions, and they never happen like you think. Ya know? You always think it's gonna be some monumental event, and the foundation for the choice may be monumental, but it really is a straw in almost every situation. Man that's weird, isn't it? We're really like a glass of water filling up drop by drop and one drop does it.
And I tell you I've poured out that glass and refilled it 20 times.
It's currently upside down thank you.
I've done everything I can,
I've said all that I can say,
I've challeneged every notion I have known.
I swept doubts and fears aside,
I believed in better days,
I got up each time and tried to try again,
But I can't ignore the signals that you send,
A fairy tale has to have an end,
It's goodbye.
To all the dreams we shared I say goodbye.
To all the loving stares I say goodbye.
I love you, I'm done, Goodbye.
You've exhausted all my faith,
I was patient every day,
I forgave, forgot, for christ's sake I gave in.
I turned over every stone,
I approached this every way,
But you can't get through a week without despair,
I just can't ignore the signals that you send,
A fairy tale has to have an end,
It's goodbye.
To all the dreams we shared I say goodbye.
To all the loving stares I say goodbye.
I love you, I'm done, Goodbye.