video locked until january 3rd,
after the show in Columbus
9:35 PM, Thursday,
December 31st, 2009:
Whew. Just a big
fat whew. I've gone back and forth on how to write
this entry because it's the end of an entire decade of
The Journey as well as the most incredible year of my
life. But it's that decade that has defined why this
is still the greatest year of my life... even
though it ends on a down note. I have become so adept
at enjoying "the journey" and not even worrying about
"the destination" it has literally defined me. Putting
together this movie project (which is still not done,
praying a final render overnight does it), has shown
me that although a fantastically interesting and
exciting life... every single high is capped with a
massive disappointment. Every love with a letdown,
every break with a closed door... and it barely phases
me now. It's just bizarre. It has defined me for this
decade and 2009 was no different.
This year however
beats them all. Never before had a break been so
clear, so imminent and so LOOOONG. From the end of
April to the middle of November, I was riding a
massive wave. The Comedy Central opportunity
infiltrated every second. Seeing lions in Africa? I
was looking at it as a documentary on the guy that
just got a Comedy Central show going to Africa. Walk
across Abbey Road? Cameron should do it for a Comedy
Central bit, and because he likes The Beatles more
than the other band members. Sitting on a rock in
Greece became an "inner child" moment because I knew I
was gonna get this show, and that I had finally done
it...
...and
THANK GOD. Seriously, I don't look back at those
moments as egg on my face. I look back at them as
precious, honest and sincere moments that I'm so glad
I captured. Because there's several of those I'll
never get back. Meaning, you only feel things that
strongly the first time. Another break of that
size won't have the same innocence. The same braggard.
The same honesty. I'll be a bit more reserved and
cautious...unless the break is even bigger - and the
entire cycle starts again.
There is a toll
however. And my year-end drinking video (which will
remain locked for awhile for sure) showed me that I am
not impervious to the damage this type of trauma does
on your head. I'm seeing that if I live another 10
years like this, I may just be completely out of touch
with everything. It's the ultimate catch-22. The same
thing that allows me to GET THROUGH all of these
constant heartbreaks? Conditions me to see that pain
coming from a mile away. I almost called this entry
"Listen to My Head" as a nod to a song I wrote at 19
called "Listen to My Heart". It's inevitable. At some
point you can't live your ENTIRE LIFE listening
to your heart. Through that drunken video (which was
angry for the first time EVER in 10 years of doing it)
I'm aware that my career/The Journey is absolutely #1.
It's more important than my well-being. It's more
important than anything. And I will still jump
for that. But my head has taken over all other aspects
and the walls are unbelieveable.
And
this
article on
cnn awhile
back (in which I'm literally the guinea pig) shows
why: memories fade, blogs don't. I've touched on this
a few times, and it's amplified even more because my
video blog is so personal and documentary style (not
talking to the camera). My life is IMMEDIATE. I have
video, entries, colored entry bars, months burned in
my brain that are how I think of my life. Which means
that when I LOOK at July 2004 on my computer?
It feels IDENTICAL to the way it felt in July
2004. My memories haven't faded. Though it's
good because it allows you to never run from issues,
and process them fully... it's beginning to hurt me a
little. I've used the word "damaged" to describe me
about 20 times in the past 2 months. It's not an
exagerration. As much as "The Journey" has helped
me through my career and personal failings, there is
another side of the coin. I can't define it just yet,
but it's not positive. I'm concerned at what the
coming years will bring. But I love the project too
much to stop. I would honestly rather burnout in some
fantastic flame than ever give up.
But nothing beats
this year. In fact, in some ways - it'll never be
topped. Because I was trying so desperately to hit
1000 on the 10 Year Anniversary I did some CRAZY shit.
June 2009? Seriously? 30 entries and videos in 30
days? It's the most unbelieveable feat of my life.
Goddamn I'm a good producer. I am so fast and
efficient it boggles my freaking mind sometime. The
Comedy Central Pilot?!?!? By myself??! This movie I'm
doing now? As a "reporter" (how I feel writing these
entries), I cannot believe that this guy keeps
one-upping himself. I thought the Young & The
Restless bit was ambitious for 48 hours... that was
nothing compared to the movie. I'll talk more about
that in the next entry for what I think 2010
holds... but suffice to say things are leading in a
pretty exciting direction.
Of course, the
year ended with a monumental letdown, but as
I said before - you'd never know it from my
actions. You just can't phase me. You just can't beat
me. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't just
start my own network at this point. LOL. That sounds
about right. Christ. I wish I hadn't written
that. :-)
Anyway, the year
is so big, that I can't fit it all into one video
- and since this entry and tomorrow's entry are always
companion pieces, I'll split it up. Here's 2009, part
one:
Tomorrow I'll get
into my predictions for 2010. But man, 2009 was
fucking unreal.
