video locked until january 3rd, after the show in Columbus
9:35 PM, Thursday, December 31st, 2009:
Whew. Just a big fat whew. I've gone back and forth on how to write this entry because it's the end of an entire decade of The Journey as well as the most incredible year of my life. But it's that decade that has defined why this is still the greatest year of my life... even though it ends on a down note. I have become so adept at enjoying "the journey" and not even worrying about "the destination" it has literally defined me. Putting together this movie project (which is still not done, praying a final render overnight does it), has shown me that although a fantastically interesting and exciting life... every single high is capped with a massive disappointment. Every love with a letdown, every break with a closed door... and it barely phases me now. It's just bizarre. It has defined me for this decade and 2009 was no different.
This year however beats them all. Never before had a break been so clear, so imminent and so LOOOONG. From the end of April to the middle of November, I was riding a massive wave. The Comedy Central opportunity infiltrated every second. Seeing lions in Africa? I was looking at it as a documentary on the guy that just got a Comedy Central show going to Africa. Walk across Abbey Road? Cameron should do it for a Comedy Central bit, and because he likes The Beatles more than the other band members. Sitting on a rock in Greece became an "inner child" moment because I knew I was gonna get this show, and that I had finally done it...
...and THANK GOD. Seriously, I don't look back at those moments as egg on my face. I look back at them as precious, honest and sincere moments that I'm so glad I captured. Because there's several of those I'll never get back. Meaning, you only feel things that strongly the first time. Another break of that size won't have the same innocence. The same braggard. The same honesty. I'll be a bit more reserved and cautious...unless the break is even bigger - and the entire cycle starts again.
There is a toll however. And my year-end drinking video (which will remain locked for awhile for sure) showed me that I am not impervious to the damage this type of trauma does on your head. I'm seeing that if I live another 10 years like this, I may just be completely out of touch with everything. It's the ultimate catch-22. The same thing that allows me to GET THROUGH all of these constant heartbreaks? Conditions me to see that pain coming from a mile away. I almost called this entry "Listen to My Head" as a nod to a song I wrote at 19 called "Listen to My Heart". It's inevitable. At some point you can't live your ENTIRE LIFE listening to your heart. Through that drunken video (which was angry for the first time EVER in 10 years of doing it) I'm aware that my career/The Journey is absolutely #1. It's more important than my well-being. It's more important than anything. And I will still jump for that. But my head has taken over all other aspects and the walls are unbelieveable.
And this article on cnn awhile back (in which I'm literally the guinea pig) shows why: memories fade, blogs don't. I've touched on this a few times, and it's amplified even more because my video blog is so personal and documentary style (not talking to the camera). My life is IMMEDIATE. I have video, entries, colored entry bars, months burned in my brain that are how I think of my life. Which means that when I LOOK at July 2004 on my computer? It feels IDENTICAL to the way it felt in July 2004. My memories haven't faded. Though it's good because it allows you to never run from issues, and process them fully... it's beginning to hurt me a little. I've used the word "damaged" to describe me about 20 times in the past 2 months. It's not an exagerration. As much as "The Journey" has helped me through my career and personal failings, there is another side of the coin. I can't define it just yet, but it's not positive. I'm concerned at what the coming years will bring. But I love the project too much to stop. I would honestly rather burnout in some fantastic flame than ever give up.
But nothing beats this year. In fact, in some ways - it'll never be topped. Because I was trying so desperately to hit 1000 on the 10 Year Anniversary I did some CRAZY shit. June 2009? Seriously? 30 entries and videos in 30 days? It's the most unbelieveable feat of my life. Goddamn I'm a good producer. I am so fast and efficient it boggles my freaking mind sometime. The Comedy Central Pilot?!?!? By myself??! This movie I'm doing now? As a "reporter" (how I feel writing these entries), I cannot believe that this guy keeps one-upping himself. I thought the Young & The Restless bit was ambitious for 48 hours... that was nothing compared to the movie. I'll talk more about that in the next entry for what I think 2010 holds... but suffice to say things are leading in a pretty exciting direction.
Of course, the year ended with a monumental letdown, but as I said before - you'd never know it from my actions. You just can't phase me. You just can't beat me. Hell I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't just start my own network at this point. LOL. That sounds about right. Christ. I wish I hadn't written that. :-)
Anyway, the year is so big, that I can't fit it all into one video - and since this entry and tomorrow's entry are always companion pieces, I'll split it up. Here's 2009, part one:
Tomorrow I'll get into my predictions for 2010. But man, 2009 was fucking unreal.
Happy New Year,