5:12 PM, Tuesday, December 8th, 2009:
It was tough in 2004 when I han't accomplished anything...
...even then I was singing about the insanity of it all. So hyper-aware of how out of place I was selling the LIBOR loan when I could do every facet of The Egos.
Five years later it just hardens me with every step. I have to make a video of it and watch it 20 times as I fall asleep just to allow it into my brain. Another sales gig. Another complete re-wiring of my synapses to make it through. I'm sure newcomers can still find it interesting to see the character in a tie doin' a desk job, but go relive 2002-2006. It's not interesting. It's underachieving at it's best. This is just a transition I'm gonna have to work through...
...or will I? Man, I can't tell you how creative you get at work when you're trying to scheme up other ways to make the same money you think you'll be making doin' this god-awful racket. I made 5 inquiries yesterday alone. If anything, this is like a "test week" because next week I go back to Columbus for 3 weeks as I focus on all things "The Journey" to prepare for the show on the 2nd, and the shoot on the 3rd. Then I will come back and make 100 calls a day like I'm in "Pursuit of Happiness". Even though I feel I could produce "Pursuit of Happiness". And that my friends, is Hollywood in a nutshell. I am not alone. I am not unique in this feeling whatsoever. Making it is knowing 99% of the time you are underachieving while dreaming of the 1% where you have the opportunity to "show your stuff".
Man I cannot believe I didn't pull it off this year. How? I've never felt a momentum avalanche of this degree... EVER. You know, it's honestly going to happen and I'm barely gonna blink an eye. Man it is no wonder I can't choose love. Forget the personal heartbreaks in my life... look at all of them as a whole? You just get hardened. I am hardened. I don't even wonder if that little boy will jump around again when the next break comes, because I barely give a shit if it does.
This is clearly a bad day. LMAO. I'm gonna stop making proclomations and put the video together. Being humbled has its place though. "Yeah you're the shit, but you won't be it for long...there's always someone cooler than you." THAT'S THE SONG I'LL put under the video. SWEET. And I'll post it riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight here:
Thank you Ben Folds. It's too bad my "boner art" is this website. If I was really able to funnel all of my passion into music, I think I could've made a splash or two... but it's just not in me. Music is a facet, and by itself just bores me. I love the multimedia aspect of this way too much. I will die penniless and insane. Guaranteed. :-)
There may be some shots you don't understand in that video, and as I said in the last entry - read into it. Make up your own stories. I simply don't have it in me to lay it all out on the table right now.