locked until 12.08.09
12:33 PM, Friday, December 4th, 2009:
Christ I had no idea what those three words would do. "I am gravitating quickly to comfort to heal my wounds. Read into that." I guess I knew what I meant... but it came from a very "in my own head" place where I actually barely register this is public. It's bizarre what this thing can do to ya when you do it long enough...
The result of "the negatives list" entry was jarring. Instead of using the "wall of negatives" for why I wasn't going to be in a relationship, I took a cold hard look at my actions over the past 4 months and saw that they followed a pattern. I was avoiding drama. I was spending more and more time with someone that was simply comfortable as opposed to dramatic/passionate. Add in the "Journey U-Turn" 2 days ago and the path I was taking seemed nearly pre-destined...
...and so drastically unfair to someone I adore that I have spent the morning crying over it. I mean, like, losing Jess crying. I'm an empath to such a degree with this person I can barely take a step without feeling that same constriction in my chest that I know she's feeling at this moment. I am distraught. Beyond empathy it's the clearest moment I've had proving that I am absolutely changed because of my past relationships... and not in a good way. I have to get this in writing...
When I am with her (no need to say the name, you all should figure it out by now) I feel like I'm 22 again. It's intoxicating for a moment. I see through her eyes and I believe! I see how she loves me and I believe I can be that loved... it fades the instant she walks out the door. I don't trust anyone in their early to mid twenties unless they've already gone through the hell I had at that age. You will outgrow me. You will leave me. If you are passionate about me? That will fade, and unless there's an overwhelming amount of other, less romantic, positives? It will end. My heart can't make that leap. The more passion? The more I don't believe. The more drama? The faster I leave...
...yet she has that "it" factor that makes me want to be everything to her. I want to help her. I want to be there for her. It is overwhelming... and fucking exhausting - 'cause guess what? I'm not 22. I mean, there were moments when I made ANN WALKER feel young in comparison to the road I had traveled. The bottom line? I cannot be with someone with so little life experience. Because they would be bad for me? No, because it triggers something in me that is uncontrollable. I dream with them. I get lost in goofy things and avoid who I am. I lose myself. It isn't mellow. I need mellow.
So I end up spending time with other hurt people. Other damaged souls that don't want to think about the future either. With them? I get to just be me. My heart isn't swept up in "hope". I don't see my children in their eyes. I don't even want to HEAR the word children. Marriage? GO AWAY. Can we just sit and watch a fucking movie? And let me make this clear, it's not like she was asking for all of that! I'MMMMMMMMMM the one who sees potential and can't just chill. I'm "all or nothing" when I'm around her. I see her and get excited: "OOOOH! I can be young again!?!? I can believe that everything will work out?!?! I can believe you won't leave!?!? YAY!!!!" It's intoxicating! Youth is intoxicating. I want babies, I want everything I wanted at 16. Back when I believed it was possible. That lasts only so long...
...but I just cannot announce what's happening in these entries. I guess there'll be clues from videos, etc. but understand there will be no blanket statments, huge entries, romantic videos - that shit just isn't going to happen. To put it bluntly, I don't feel all of that. I feel very beaten and calm. This is sounding strange. Lemme put this another way:
I just want peace. I don't want to drastically affect anymore lives than I already have. I want to focus on finances, focus on the emergency situation I find myself in, and bring no more pain or heartache to anyone else. I feel it too deeply...
recognize when im with you
i feel like im 22
understand decidedly im not.
i dont believe in "she's the one"
i dont believe in "one true love"
my ability to dream of love is shot.
read into that. please.
'cause i cant bear to look you in the eye.
read into that. please.
'cause i can't bear to hear the tears you cry.
god i feel your love for me,
i know you feel sincerity,
god it's so unfair that i can't see...
years ago i'd save the day,
but lose myself along the way,
now i have to do what's best for me.
read into that. please.
'cause i cant bear to look you in the eye.
read into that. please.
'cause i can't bear to hear the tears you cry.
recognize the setting's changed
notice what is rearranged
please dont ask for explanations now.
read into that. please.
read into that. please.
read into that.
...and I'm asking all of you to do the same.