Christ I had no
idea what those three words would do. "I am
gravitating quickly to comfort to heal my wounds. Read
into that." I guess I knew what I meant... but it came
from a very "in my own head" place where I actually
barely register this is public. It's bizarre what this
thing can do to ya when you do it long
enough...
The result of "the
negatives list" entry was jarring. Instead of using
the "wall of negatives" for why I wasn't going to be
in a relationship, I took a cold hard look at my
actions over the past 4 months and saw that they
followed a pattern. I was avoiding drama. I was
spending more and more time with someone that was
simply comfortable as opposed to dramatic/passionate.
Add in the "Journey U-Turn" 2 days ago and the path I
was taking seemed nearly pre-destined...
...and so
drastically unfair to someone I adore that I have
spent the morning crying over it. I mean, like, losing
Jess crying. I'm an empath to such a degree with this
person I can barely take a step without feeling that
same constriction in my chest that I know she's
feeling at this moment. I am distraught. Beyond
empathy it's the clearest moment I've had proving that
I am absolutely changed because of my past
relationships... and not in a good way. I have to get
this in writing...
When I am with her
(no need to say the name, you all should figure it out
by now) I feel like I'm 22 again. It's intoxicating
for a moment. I see through her eyes and I believe! I
see how she loves me and I believe I can be that
loved... it fades the instant she walks out the door.
I don't trust anyone in their early to mid twenties
unless they've already gone through the hell I had at
that age. You will outgrow me. You will leave me. If
you are passionate about me? That will fade, and
unless there's an overwhelming amount of other, less
romantic, positives? It will end. My heart can't make
that leap. The more passion? The more I don't believe.
The more drama? The faster I leave...
...yet she has
that "it" factor that makes me want to be everything
to her. I want to help her. I want to be there for
her. It is overwhelming... and fucking exhausting -
'cause guess what? I'm not 22. I mean, there were
moments when I made ANN WALKER feel young in
comparison to the road I had traveled. The bottom
line? I cannot be with someone with so little life
experience. Because they would be bad for me? No,
because it triggers something in me that is
uncontrollable. I dream with them. I get lost in goofy
things and avoid who I am. I lose myself. It isn't
mellow. I need mellow.
So I end up
spending time with other hurt people. Other damaged
souls that don't want to think about the future
either. With them? I get to just be me. My heart isn't
swept up in "hope". I don't see my children in their
eyes. I don't even want to HEAR the word children.
Marriage? GO AWAY. Can we just sit and watch a fucking
movie? And let me make this clear, it's not like she
was asking for all of that! I'MMMMMMMMMM the one who
sees potential and can't just chill. I'm "all or
nothing" when I'm around her. I see her and get
excited: "OOOOH! I can be young again!?!? I can
believe that everything will work out?!?! I can
believe you won't leave!?!? YAY!!!!" It's
intoxicating! Youth is intoxicating. I want babies, I
want everything I wanted at 16. Back when I believed
it was possible. That lasts only so
long...
...but I just
cannot announce what's happening in these entries. I
guess there'll be clues from videos, etc. but
understand there will be no blanket statments, huge
entries, romantic videos - that shit just isn't going
to happen. To put it bluntly, I don't feel all of
that. I feel very beaten and calm. This is sounding
strange. Lemme put this another way:
I just want peace.
I don't want to drastically affect anymore lives than
I already have. I want to focus on finances, focus on
the emergency situation I find myself in, and bring no
more pain or heartache to anyone else. I feel it too
deeply...
