8:18 PM, Thursday, December 3rd, 2009:
With eyes wide shut I step into this. Though I find comfort in the direction, I can't even begin to tell you how exhausting the pattern is. This is 2003-2005 a bit of '06, '08 and even part of this year until I quit because of the Comedy Central break. It's "The Journey U-Turn" when all your career dreams have crashed and you have to save the house, and focus on the realities of life: we all need money. It's not colorful, it's not exciting, it is however... the truth. Thanks to an old friend in the loan business, Monday morning I start with a company that specializes in credit repair. Helping people track down the bad shit on their credit reports and fixing their score so they can qualify for home loans, etc. Kinda cool 'cause it's shit I did all the time when I was doin' loans. As a loan officer you become an expert at credit scores and how to improve them in a matter of days. Thankfully it's bona-fide:  helping people. You're fighting the credit companies for them, so they can improve their credit scores enough to get the loan they need... from someone else. We have nothing to do with that. We just help direct them on the best way to improve their score...
...the consumer in me hates this whole "credit score" racket though. Your life is defined by 3 numbers that you need to PAY someone to even SEE (oh you can get the report for free, but the elusive numbers?!? You pay). It's bullshit. Then once you get the numbers? You have hardly any information on how to track down the creditors, the mistakes, and usually if you're looking? You're also on a conveyor belt to a deadline for fixing it because you're buying a big-ticket item. So I understand the need, am glad I can help and actually make money with my knowledge, etc... but I still get annoyed with the trappings of capitalism. It's all designed to keep us working, keep us spending and keep us "living for the weekends" when we can watch football on a big tv, see commercials to entice us to buy more shit... so we go back to work on Monday. But hey, I watch football on a big tv. So I'm going back to work on Monday.
If this all seems incredibly depressing to you, understand that I'm pretty happy. I have a hop in my step, I have direction, and I'm doin' alright. The reason? I know it's temporary. I know it doesn't define me. Actually, that's not completely true - it DOES define me. I will work a "shitty sales job" in order to keep this dream alive. I will turn into "Captain Businessman" and do really, really well at it... it is the foundation of this site. Scheming a way to survive... and keeping it entertaining to those of you who are waiting to see "what happens next?".
And yes, this can be entertaining. But usually during the breakdown. :-) See I am able to push myself so hard, for so long, be driven by money for so many months until I inevitably crack... as I'm starting to in this video from 2006. It was the start of the "America's Got Talent" buzz and it was all I could do to stay in my seat. It's kinda fun watching the character in this story play this role. Heh only "The Journey" could make this service road colorful.
The other thing this period will do, is rev me up for "the fight". I, am, exhausted. I need a break from "the industry". I need a break from the allure of stardom. I need to look at the sunlight. I need to curl up on the couch and watch a movie. I need to enjoy the holidays. I need to be human again. I am whooooooooped. I can barely complete the steps (headshots/uploads/resume) needed for my new agent to submit me because my heart is simply not "in" the "making it" game at the moment. I will, and am doing what I need to do... but it's laborious and I am absolutely handing the baton over because I can barely run another step. Every ounce of myself was put into that pilot. It will take awhile to recoup.
I am gravitating quickly to comfort to heal my wounds. Read into that.