I guess no amount
of analyzation can prepare you for when the tables are
turned. Even complete self-awareness that my issues
with relationships are a defense mechanism simply
doesn't prepare you for someone doing it to you. Nor
can anything open your eyes faster...
This Thanksgiving
Weekend, a friend flew out whom I do love spending
time with. Known her since high school but only
recently reconnected (thanks to what else, Facebook).
One of the "quasi-romantic" relationships I've
spoken about that are 95% phone/email since we live on
opposite sides of the country, and rarely see each
other. But relationships that are important and
sustaining because we really do care for each other
and the nice part? We want nothing in return. She
ain't movin', I ain't movin'... no complications.
...except there's
ALLLLLLLLLLLLWAYS complications. Last time
I checked, she is a woman - and if it's physical?
It will be emotional. The humorous part here?
I'm a woman. This is where my Spencer-light shines. I
operate the same way. Rarely, and I do mean
rarely, is there a time where physical meant nothing
and I just moved on. 'Cause I always delve deeper into
a woman's emotions and find a connection that most
don't. Therefore we're both bonded in a way that is
unique.
So when my friend
finally apologized to me: "Adam, I'm making a
negatives list about you..." not only did I
understand, I knew I've been doing the same thing. And
anyone dating after divorce knows it too. Your defense
mechanism of finding every flaw possible, so it's
easier to deal with the eventual loss. It's on
hyper-mode with us of course, because we see each
other once or twice a year and we know from the
BEGINNING it will end. And if you find yourself with
feelings? Now you're in trouble. So you avoid that
hurt with pointing out every flaw that you simply
"could never live with" and you rest easier when
you're alone.
Of course this was
something I do INTERNALLY, ahem, but her decision to
process this out loud was actually quite helpful. For
both of us. It's something we'll both have to work
through in situations that do have the
possibility of moving forward and it's nice to have
each other for guinea pigs. When she left Sunday
I of course thought of my present situations and
my self-sabotage. It's justified, no doubt. After what
I've been through, I have every right to find reasons
to stay single... but the kicker? It's not the truth.
When it becomes so glaringly obvious that I'm making
mountains out of molehills with respects to others'
flaws? I need to step-back and re-evaluate things.
I don't know what
all this means right now. I have some friends to talk
to, some choices to ponder. Re-evaluating the
"negatives list" is humbling...
