10:10 AM, Monday, November 30th, 2009:
...and then it happens to you.
I guess no amount of analyzation can prepare you for when the tables are turned. Even complete self-awareness that my issues with relationships are a defense mechanism simply doesn't prepare you for someone doing it to you. Nor can anything open your eyes faster...
This Thanksgiving Weekend, a friend flew out whom I do love spending time with. Known her since high school but only recently reconnected (thanks to what else, Facebook). One of the "quasi-romantic" relationships I've spoken about that are 95% phone/email since we live on opposite sides of the country, and rarely see each other. But relationships that are important and sustaining because we really do care for each other and the nice part? We want nothing in return. She ain't movin', I ain't movin'... no complications.
...except there's ALLLLLLLLLLLLWAYS complications. Last time I checked, she is a woman - and if it's physical? It will be emotional. The humorous part here? I'm a woman. This is where my Spencer-light shines. I operate the same way. Rarely, and I do mean rarely, is there a time where physical meant nothing and I just moved on. 'Cause I always delve deeper into a woman's emotions and find a connection that most don't. Therefore we're both bonded in a way that is unique.
So when my friend finally apologized to me: "Adam, I'm making a negatives list about you..." not only did I understand, I knew I've been doing the same thing. And anyone dating after divorce knows it too. Your defense mechanism of finding every flaw possible, so it's easier to deal with the eventual loss. It's on hyper-mode with us of course, because we see each other once or twice a year and we know from the BEGINNING it will end. And if you find yourself with feelings? Now you're in trouble. So you avoid that hurt with pointing out every flaw that you simply "could never live with" and you rest easier when you're alone.
Of course this was something I do INTERNALLY, ahem, but her decision to process this out loud was actually quite helpful. For both of us. It's something we'll both have to work through in situations that do have the possibility of moving forward and it's nice to have each other for guinea pigs. When she left Sunday I of course thought of my present situations and my self-sabotage. It's justified, no doubt. After what I've been through, I have every right to find reasons to stay single... but the kicker? It's not the truth. When it becomes so glaringly obvious that I'm making mountains out of molehills with respects to others' flaws? I need to step-back and re-evaluate things.
I don't know what all this means right now. I have some friends to talk to, some choices to ponder. Re-evaluating the "negatives list" is humbling...
...in the meantime: "A Watched Pot Never Boils"