5:33 PM, Friday, November 20th, 2009:
It's like falling down the stairs, jumping up and saying:  "I'M OK!!!". Halfway down, I've stopped worrying about myself, and am more concerned with just how bad this must look to those witnessing it and I want desperately to let them know I'm alright. That has been my last 72 hours. However, there is a little life lesson in here that I'm happy to share considering nearly everyone I know tries to avoid these part of "loss", and ends up making things worse in the long-run.
Over the past 6 months, Comedy Central ran through my veins. It's unavoidable to have something that big be that much of a focus for that long, and not have it ooze into your every fiber. Meaning, when things got kinda rough? Comedy Central. Only wante to run 1K and not 5K? Comedy Central. Finances are FUBAR'd? Comedy Central. Before you know it, the potential of that scenario inflitrates every moment of your life. It makes everything just a little bit easier. Washing dishes is fun with Comedy Central in the air. It's honestly what allowed me to be so patient with Donna in 2006/2007. The success with The Egos on CBS? When shit is going THAT well? You can ride ANY storm. It is no coincidence that when that went away? The therapy ultimatum from me came in a matter of weeks.
This isn't just me, it's human nature. And if you don't really let that soak in? You're setting yourself up for a major breakdown. You have to let yourself stare into space every 3rd minute and think about what you lost. You have to try and run 5K, get tired, and then realize - jesus this is fucking hard without the Comedy Central motivation. Simply put, you have to go through every single event in the previous 6 months, that made you think of it... and think of it in a new light. That's how you heal. You let it sink into all of those aspects. If you try to run rampant through the moments with buckets of positivity? Your head will end up so far removed from reality, this town will eat you alive. This should be painful. This should be depressing. This should be sad. So feel it. Which is what I'm doing...
...and man, are that a plethora of "little things" that this has touched. I cannot believe how much this one potential break "rose-colored" different aspects of my life. It literally feels like I am sober... and whew, I would like the "successful beyond my wildest dreams" shot again please. And so would everyone else. Ugh.
So many people jumped into "The Journey" within the last year and believed so strongly "this was it" that this is humiliating to them. Hell even those that have followed the entire time - were absolutely sure. Marty still hasn't told his friends. He just can't bare it. He went back to work on Wednesday after his vacation and he already knew they had passed... but his co-workers and friends hadn't seen him since he had gotten back. He told me he just straight-up acted like he had no idea, and enjoyed the feeling of being hopeful with them for just a few more days. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. I just feel so responsible to the people following this story and want so desperately for them to be rewarded as well! It's tough to be writing this story as a reporter. What I wouldn't give to just write the fairy-tale ending (for at least a goddamned WEEK) instead of having to report the moment things happen. GODDDDDDDDDDDD.
Now, about what happened. I've had some days of reflection and as well as talking people off the ledge so to speak, I've been trying to calm the "Reactionary" BECOME A STAND-UP!! RE-DO THE SHOW!! Or the myriad of other suggestions that are somewhat based in people's urge to avoid accepting what happened. And believe me, I'm "Mr. Lemonade" when it comes to the lemons I've received, but it comes from a place of logic. And in order to process shit logically? You have to accept the bad shit when it happens and let it soak in. However, the more I thought about it - the more I realized what happened over the course of 6 months...
...Jim Sharp mentioned the "Short-form" show (3 comedians/acts in one half-hour) not only in the call on Tuesday, but in that very first meeting in May. It occured to me, that he most likely always saw me within that. However, since he gave me the opportunity? I took it to the next level and gave him a complete show... which again, he loved. That has never been in doubt. Because of the Weller/Grossman debacle unfortunately? What should've been done in Late July/Early August - took until Mid-November. The 3 spots in the short form show? Filled.
And that's it.
That's all that transpired. Google/IMDB Daniel Tosh. He was on Comedy Central SEVERAL times before he got his own show... and in fact - research ANYONE on Comedy Central with their own show... it ain't the first thing they've done on the network. Duh. Jim was giving me the opportunity to get my foot in the door, and like I always do, I just put it into overdrive and produced the most ambitious thing I could possibly produce. Doesn't change what he was initially thinking though and simply put, since it took so long? Nothing he could do...
...which not only aggrivates me - it reinforces that my instincts on 2 issues with all of this were pretty dead-on. I was sick about the Weller/Grossman angle and wanted to make sure Jim understood what happened... he never did and though I was assured everythign was "alright" by Josh? Clearly it wasn't. The man asked me twice IN A CROWD OF PEOPLE after the show what the fuck happened. I should've called him personally (though completely against what you do when you have representation and everyone assured me everything was "alright") and explained what was happening. My gut told me to. And I was right about the time issue. I was raising holy hell in August about how long it was taking, knowing an opportunity was slipping through my fingers. Come to find out? It did. That's not to say if I had done the show in August that I would've been the 3rd part of the "Short form" show, but we just have no way of knowing. I should've called Jim myself, booked the place myself (which I finally did after waiting for 3 Arts on SEPTEMBER FUCKING 24TH), and taken it into my own hands. Because of "doing the right thing", I believe I let something slip through my hands. Not that it was even feasible at the time, this is all hindsight - but when Weller/Grossman got all crazy, I should've called Jim directly. Instead I met with Josh at 3Arts, he said he would get in touch with him... and 7 weeks pass. Seven, weeks. And even then - he clearly never expressed my side of things with Weller/Grossman, and I end up booking the date at the Hudson myself. LOL. That boggles my mind. And THEN of course, it's aNOTHER 6 weeks, because you need to call well in advance... WHICH IS WHAT WELLER/GROSSMAN WAS SUPPOSED TO DO - I SHIT YOU NOT -- THE FOLLOWING WEEK after our meeting on May 28th! Jim even said it at the meeting! To call Gary Mann and set up a date. W/G did fuck all while I was on vacation even though I emailed them throughout - and all of that leads to a wasted opportunity. Only now am I able to see how all of that played out. At the time, I was doing all the screaming, emailing, and voice-mailing I could do. Fuckin hell these lessons are hard.
Now, it doesn't mean there aren't more opportunities next year. I do however need to write a long letter to Jim, explain everything that happened and make abso-fuckin-lutely sure he knows where I stand. It was an incredibly painful thing to go through, it was a gut-wrenching choice, but I legitimately feel I had no other choice. Looking back, they never called my agent back to negotiate, so it's pretty clear I didn't have much of a choice. But he needs to know that. It's crucial to me that he knows what kind of person I am. I've been told ad infinitum that "it doesn't matter" that if he thinks "I can make them money" no one will care... it matters to me. I have integrity, and if it means a hand delivered letter? So be it. If it "doesn't matter" then the letter won't hurt will it. There's some things you just do because it's right in your soul. Making sure he knows what happened is one of those things.
And again, as I said before: I'm fine. I've shed no tears over this and truth be told -- I'm still pretty happy. Yes, you will find me staring off into space as I try desperately to wrap my head around what an absolute bitch-slap this is but it's all part of the process of dealing with loss. It's healthy. And my lack of "moping" proves that.
Now enjoy "Hey Aunt Jemima" -- Twilight Zone edition -- where Dewey Anderson just retraces all of my steps from January '08. Oh and you finally get to see a small clip of the show as well as hear the audience reaction throughout - which is really fun after nearly 2 years of this ditty being a one-on-one experience on the net:
Man, you guys have to be dying to see the full pilot. I may sell some copies at the 10 Year Anniversary Celebration back in C-Bus. Who knows. For now, I process "the little things".