Goddamnit now it's
real. I could believe the twilight zone surrealness of
the day was just a dream until this moment. Fuck The
I've said that
before, but seriously - not into this "vlogger"
bullshit right now. Not a fan. I don't want to do
this, I'm sick of talking to people about it. I'm
humiliated, I'm embarrassed and the weight of going
through this publically is bearing down on me to an
extreme extent. The pattern is what's getting me. I
hate repeating myself. I've told this story so many
times - can't I just link an old video and entry? It's
bound to be identical.
Jim returned my
call from yesterday and was again gracious in his
praise of the show. However, there just wasn't space
for it on the network. Apparently they do a "short
form" type of show, with 3 acts per half hour, and
that is filled. He's not sure a show like mine would
even work, or if I'm the right person to anchor such a
show. He's interested in what I do with my career. And
in 98 seconds he erased 6 months of build-up. I'm
baffled by his compliments on Thursday followed by
"call me next week". He was however, very honest, very
straight-forward and I appreciate that. This could've
dragged on for awhile (though I probably would've
liked to enjoy Thanksgiving), and it's over almost
It's bizarre, it's
the story that dragged on for 6 months and then when
you finally have the high, finally reach the summit -
you have a "call me next week so I can tell you no in
90 seconds". Instantly throwing everything into a
loop. And man, when you're that high... you fall that
I'm totally numb.
No emotion, it's a comfort zone in all honesty. As
frustrating as it is to repeat this story, there is
comfort in knowing what to do now that I'm here. I let
it sink in. And just move my legs when I'm supposed
to. I go through the motions. I become a zombie. I get
a job. I think about my property taxes. I become
responsible Adam for another year until I just can't
take it any longer and explode again like I did in
March. It keeps going. I abhor the pattern, but it's
all I know. The only way to break the pattern is to
stop trying and I've just never done that.
however? Fuck. The 10 year anniversary in 6 weeks?
Fuck. How do you have THAT party? Seriously? I'm not a
real big fan of The Journey at the moment. Not really
proud of telling the same story, every year, for ten
years. Personal and career failures that rival anyone
I've ever heard of.
And then comes the
influx of advice on what you should do different and
right now? I like me. I like my art. My heart will
tell me what to do next, and I know this failure is
only the game of tetris. I don't have the right pieces
for their game yet. I may never have it. But I have
the right pieces for me. That pilot was everything I
wanted it to be. Laura saw it and thought there was
too much music, or I didn't spotlight "Adam" enough...
but the bottom line is - any choice could have gone
another way. If you concentrate on the details, you're
missing the point. I knew it would be edited, that's
why I made it 31 minutes instead of 21:30 (which a
real show would be). I showed my talents, and in all
honesty - wouldn't change anything. And this wasn't a
"one-shot" deal. Believe me, if they thought it was
too political, or had too much music - it's easy to
say: yeah, cut this song... don't mention birthers -
whatever. The bottom line is, they don't see me as
having the "it" factor. Period. If I had the "it"
factor, I could stand in front of a green screen and
comment on clips from the internet and I would get my
own show. Without the "it" factor? I could recreate
the goddamned universe and it would make no
difference. To them, I don't have it. I move
To what? My bed in
all honesty. I've never been the type to stay in bed
for 3 days. I think I'm going to when I get there, but
when I wake up I think of something to make/create or
do... and I just get up. I'm just heartbroken though.
There may be no tears for this, but it doesn't mean
I'm not utterly crushed. I just couldn't have done
anything more. I thought that would help me, but
nothing helps this. I am in the same place I was on
November 17th, 2008, and November 17th, 2007. That is
devastating to me. This "pilot" provided no real
"reel" material as the shoot was botched (besides poor
camera work and incorrect settings - they even left my
mic panned up backstage while I was talking while they
ran the bits for fuck's sake - lol), my work on Price
is Right and Y&R is light years beyond this, and I
funded it all by myself. I'm in debt up to my ears,
and I have 17 entries left in this MILLENIA of
entries. I have no agent. I have no manager. I start
For some reason.
This time however? There's no one next to me. I made a
video simply because I had to:
No theatrics here
folks. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm absolutely
sick of documenting this drivel. You want the cherry
How's that for a
kick in the ass? No pops, that wasn't it. Now YOUR
blog gets it's very own "egg on your face" moment. I'm
so sorry for that. Though in a strange way it does
bond us. Not many people understand what that feels
like to upload that moment... and then have it
instantly be a document of just how wrong you had it.
The question is, can you write that same entry - even
more certain - even more boastful 3 years later?
Knowing what happened this time?
And the time
And the time
And the time
And the time
comes to an end. Goodbye Comedy Central.