11:41 PM, Tuesday, November 17th, 2009:
Goddamnit now it's real. I could believe the twilight zone surrealness of the day was just a dream until this moment. Fuck The Journey.
I've said that before, but seriously - not into this "vlogger" bullshit right now. Not a fan. I don't want to do this, I'm sick of talking to people about it. I'm humiliated, I'm embarrassed and the weight of going through this publically is bearing down on me to an extreme extent. The pattern is what's getting me. I hate repeating myself. I've told this story so many times - can't I just link an old video and entry? It's bound to be identical.
Jim returned my call from yesterday and was again gracious in his praise of the show. However, there just wasn't space for it on the network. Apparently they do a "short form" type of show, with 3 acts per half hour, and that is filled. He's not sure a show like mine would even work, or if I'm the right person to anchor such a show. He's interested in what I do with my career. And in 98 seconds he erased 6 months of build-up. I'm baffled by his compliments on Thursday followed by "call me next week". He was however, very honest, very straight-forward and I appreciate that. This could've dragged on for awhile (though I probably would've liked to enjoy Thanksgiving), and it's over almost immediately.
It's bizarre, it's the story that dragged on for 6 months and then when you finally have the high, finally reach the summit - you have a "call me next week so I can tell you no in 90 seconds". Instantly throwing everything into a loop. And man, when you're that high... you fall that far.
I'm totally numb. No emotion, it's a comfort zone in all honesty. As frustrating as it is to repeat this story, there is comfort in knowing what to do now that I'm here. I let it sink in. And just move my legs when I'm supposed to. I go through the motions. I become a zombie. I get a job. I think about my property taxes. I become responsible Adam for another year until I just can't take it any longer and explode again like I did in March. It keeps going. I abhor the pattern, but it's all I know. The only way to break the pattern is to stop trying and I've just never done that.
The Journey however? Fuck. The 10 year anniversary in 6 weeks? Fuck. How do you have THAT party? Seriously? I'm not a real big fan of The Journey at the moment. Not really proud of telling the same story, every year, for ten years. Personal and career failures that rival anyone I've ever heard of.
And then comes the influx of advice on what you should do different and right now? I like me. I like my art. My heart will tell me what to do next, and I know this failure is only the game of tetris. I don't have the right pieces for their game yet. I may never have it. But I have the right pieces for me. That pilot was everything I wanted it to be. Laura saw it and thought there was too much music, or I didn't spotlight "Adam" enough... but the bottom line is - any choice could have gone another way. If you concentrate on the details, you're missing the point. I knew it would be edited, that's why I made it 31 minutes instead of 21:30 (which a real show would be). I showed my talents, and in all honesty - wouldn't change anything. And this wasn't a "one-shot" deal. Believe me, if they thought it was too political, or had too much music - it's easy to say: yeah, cut this song... don't mention birthers - whatever. The bottom line is, they don't see me as having the "it" factor. Period. If I had the "it" factor, I could stand in front of a green screen and comment on clips from the internet and I would get my own show. Without the "it" factor? I could recreate the goddamned universe and it would make no difference. To them, I don't have it. I move on.
To what? My bed in all honesty. I've never been the type to stay in bed for 3 days. I think I'm going to when I get there, but when I wake up I think of something to make/create or do... and I just get up. I'm just heartbroken though. There may be no tears for this, but it doesn't mean I'm not utterly crushed. I just couldn't have done anything more. I thought that would help me, but nothing helps this. I am in the same place I was on November 17th, 2008, and November 17th, 2007. That is devastating to me. This "pilot" provided no real "reel" material as the shoot was botched (besides poor camera work and incorrect settings - they even left my mic panned up backstage while I was talking while they ran the bits for fuck's sake - lol), my work on Price is Right and Y&R is light years beyond this, and I funded it all by myself. I'm in debt up to my ears, and I have 17 entries left in this MILLENIA of entries. I have no agent. I have no manager. I start over completely.
For some reason. This time however? There's no one next to me. I made a video simply because I had to:
No theatrics here folks. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm absolutely sick of documenting this drivel. You want the cherry on top?
How's that for a kick in the ass? No pops, that wasn't it. Now YOUR blog gets it's very own "egg on your face" moment. I'm so sorry for that. Though in a strange way it does bond us. Not many people understand what that feels like to upload that moment... and then have it instantly be a document of just how wrong you had it. The question is, can you write that same entry - even more certain - even more boastful 3 years later? Knowing what happened this time?
And the time before?
And the time before?
And the time before?
And the time before?
The 15-Parter comes to an end. Goodbye Comedy Central.