8:36 AM, Sunday, November 7th, 2009:
And suddenly, the worrying is over. Finishing "GRAM" -- which even during the taping of the Egos last week I referred to as "Gary's Bit" 'cause I had NO idea what the hell it was gonna be -- has been the first moment that I knew I would get this done... the show would hit the points I wanted it to hit, and that it was going to happen. Reaction to it? Not even thinking about it. I'm talking about just completing this monstrosity. Something just happened when I got that bit done yesterday. It was as if everything just started to fall into place. I see the whole show, even though I'm nowhere near complete -- I see it for the first time. And I'm happy with it.
And man, I have to admit -- I'm having the time of my life. I have to eventually devote an entry to how surreal this period is for me, but there are moments that everything just feels so right. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Whether or not it gets picked up, whether or not people find it funny... it has little to do with what feels right. I've been told my whole life that every skill I happen to show at the moment is "what I should be doing" -- but they can't all be. Your heart tells you what's right, and creating this show is really an out-of-body experience where I look up at the finished product and I think: "Adam, you're a competent producer. You know how to tell a story."
What I don't think people understand about the process of this show, is although it IS calculated on nearly every level? The execution is this unbelieveably faith-based. Faith in myself, not in a "God". I mean all of the choices for which way to go with this thing were an "eyes-shut, hand over heart" moment. Hell the bits weren't even scripted. They were believing that I would be in the moment, and find the story -- on the spot. Knowing it was in me. Hell the location for GRAM? Never saw it before. Problem-solved on the spot. And, I was never scared about that. This calm took over and it all just fell into place. I mean, part of me was actually saying to my other half: "Adam, you really are being risky here..." but my heart just knew it would find the right path at the moment...
...and it DID. It's why I know it is just something in me. It's just what I should be doing. Yes, I know several things are in me. Sitting at a piano and singing a song, etc... is the same type of "flow" and "faith" in my abilities, but putting this type of faith in every aspect on a level this size? It's a lot. And I see the light at the end of the tunnel for the first time. This is a really good show. This took my laundry list of goals and achieved them all - again with eyes wide shut. Jump/risk/faith - no fear. I mean jesus - that's really what this boils down to. I have absolutely no fear. And through all of this? Mellow as can be. Considering how neurotic I can be? That's just bizarre to me. I mean, I'm still neurotic here, but again - in the moment? Coooooooooooooool. I'm where I'm supposed to be, and I'm loving every second of it.
Had to show the outtakes from the GRAM bit, as it makes me laugh harder than the actual bit now - and it's just so refreshing seeing me on a set with other HUMANS. You know? I don't do the Egos because I hate working with others. I do it because I think it's a good bit. But I LOVE being on set with fellow performes, and jamming. Great fun. And it shows...
I'm just so at home. Goddamn this industry is such a tease. It's such a fucking tease. Had the same feeling while kickin' ass at CBS. You just know it's right - and it's ripped from you in an instant... because your boss was fired. ? Stunning.
I'm rambling. I don't mean to be. It just hit me late last night. It's falling into place. And I didn't feel that until I completed that bit... and as I'm putting together the rest... it's like sliding down.. ha... no, it's like floating downstream. That's just what I wanted so many months ago wasn't it? Well now I am.