And suddenly, the
worrying is over. Finishing "GRAM" -- which even
during the taping of the Egos last week I referred to
as "Gary's Bit" 'cause I had NO idea what the
hell it was gonna be -- has been the first moment that
I knew I would get this done... the show would hit the
points I wanted it to hit, and that it was going
to happen. Reaction to it? Not even thinking about it.
I'm talking about just completing this monstrosity.
Something just happened when I got that bit done
yesterday. It was as if everything just started to
fall into place. I see the whole show, even though I'm
nowhere near complete -- I see it for the first
time. And I'm happy with it.
And man,
I have to admit -- I'm having the time of my
life. I have to eventually devote an entry to how
surreal this period is for me, but there are moments
that everything just feels so right. I'm doing
what I'm supposed to be doing. Whether or not it gets
picked up, whether or not people find it funny... it
has little to do with what feels right. I've been told
my whole life that every skill I happen to show at the
moment is "what I should be doing" -- but they can't
all be. Your heart tells you what's right, and
creating this show is really an out-of-body experience
where I look up at the finished product and I
think: "Adam, you're a competent producer. You know
how to tell a story."
What I don't think
people understand about the process of this show, is
although it IS calculated on nearly every level? The
execution is this unbelieveably faith-based. Faith in
myself, not in a "God". I mean all of the choices
for which way to go with this thing were an
"eyes-shut, hand over heart" moment. Hell the bits
weren't even scripted. They were believing that I
would be in the moment, and find the story -- on the
spot. Knowing it was in me. Hell the location for
GRAM? Never saw it before. Problem-solved on the spot.
And, I was never scared about that. This calm took
over and it all just fell into place. I mean, part of
me was actually saying to my other half: "Adam, you
really are being risky here..." but my heart just
knew it would find the right path at the
moment...
...and it DID.
It's why I know it is just something in me. It's just
what I should be doing. Yes, I know several things are
in me. Sitting at a piano and singing a song, etc...
is the same type of "flow" and "faith" in my
abilities, but putting this type of faith in every
aspect on a level this size? It's a lot. And I see the
light at the end of the tunnel for the first time.
This is a really good show. This took my laundry list
of goals and achieved them all - again with eyes wide
shut. Jump/risk/faith - no fear. I mean jesus -
that's really what this boils down to. I have
absolutely no fear. And through all of this? Mellow as
can be. Considering how neurotic I can be? That's just
bizarre to me. I mean, I'm still neurotic here, but
again - in the moment? Coooooooooooooool. I'm where
I'm supposed to be, and I'm loving every second of
it.
Had to show the
outtakes from the GRAM bit, as it makes me laugh
harder than the actual bit now - and it's just so
refreshing seeing me on a set with other HUMANS. You
know? I don't do the Egos because I hate working with
others. I do it because I think it's a good bit.
But I LOVE being on set with fellow performes, and
jamming. Great fun. And it shows...
I'm just so at
home. Goddamn this industry is such a tease. It's such
a fucking tease. Had the same feeling while kickin'
ass at CBS. You just know it's right - and it's ripped
from you in an instant... because your boss was fired.
? Stunning.
I'm rambling. I
don't mean to be. It just hit me late last night. It's
falling into place. And I didn't feel that until I
completed that bit... and as I'm putting together the
rest... it's like sliding down.. ha... no, it's like
floating downstream. That's just what I wanted so many
months ago wasn't it? Well now I am.
