7:33 AM, Sunday, October 25th 2009:
Who am I?
Am I the whirlwind romantic willing to give my life to someone for the twinkle in their eyes?
Am I the staunchly self-centered recovering husband who will run from a relationship?
And is there any middle ground? Or will I one day just dash from one descriptor to the next? I've never been the latter until recently so I really don't know how to respond. But I do know that yesterday that romantic man returned with such a vengeance that I surprised myself, and today I'm left wondering what the hell that means.
The details will not be shared, I know exactly what happened and how rare it was. Just know an event showed me that there is a part of me somewhere that does indeed desperately want that one connection that I can depend on the rest of my life...
...but I'll be damned if I'm in any place to actually say that completely. My head is EVERYWHERE right now. I can't make a decision about BREAKFAST while I'm in the midst of the Comedy Central production, let alone something romantic. However, my actions may have decided it all for me and I gotta say? I take solace in that. Give me a direction? I'll find the most positive path. Give me no direction? I'll still follow a path, but the risk of it being negative exists. With direction, I always find a positive, happy existence.
But of course nothing is ever set in stone, and there are always choices. This entry isn't about that. It's about what happened to me yesterday - to suddenly, fairly level-headedly, find that man that wants love. Even if I scurry back to my "singledom", I know he exists...
...but could he BE more retarded? Adam? Seriously? All you've known is drama in relationships. Even the good ones. Nah, Jess & I had very little drama until the end. Man, thank GOD for that relationship. It really does remind me of just how smooth things can be. But what are you thinking? You have a fairly drama-free existence right now. Your most difficult dilemma with the opposite sex is making sure they understand you want to be single. That's it. You are happy, fulfilled, surrounded by those that love and support you - with plenty of time to yourself and on top of the world. What on earth makes you think, for even a second, that the grass could be greener in a relationship?
That face. That face is what does it, and you know it man. You are a sucker for a pretty face like a fire is a sucker for oxygen. How many times did you gaze at Donna as she blistered through you, more and more abusive as time went on, because it triggered some pavlovian reaction in your pants? It's bizarre isn't it? It's embarrassing as fuck to admit to - as it seems so superficial, but I can't deny the power of it. Granted, there's a plethora of other things that make someone attractive. Nothing more UNattractive than a pretty face covering up an ugly person. But if the person isn't ugly inside? And the outside triggers something in your DNA? Gone. It's a trance. It's unreal...
...and it's gone the second I'm alone sitting in front of my laptop. Well gone is a bit harsh. The feelings are still there, but the rash decision making and whirlwind "jumping" lessens considerably. Oh and having a limp dick at the moment helps too. Let's not forget THAT detail. Goddamn being a man sucks sometimes. Seriously. What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Can I put it away for a few months? It's a compass to drama. THATTAWAY!!!
I'm writing this simply to show the conflict. Simply to be honest. It is indeed part of the human condition to think the grass is greener, but "The Journey" usually helps me get past that. 'Cause I have documented proof of damn near every blade of grass on every side... alas, nothing trumps potential in the mind of a romantic.
The kicker in everything however? Now I'm a totally different man. I have the world at my fingertips and not only do I have the option of going anywhere and doing anything? I actually do it. That's where most people crack. That's where most people just give in - and live the comfortable life. Yeah they say when they're single: "Man - I have the freedom to do anything!" But they never actually do it. And eventually they realize that, and get comfortable. But after three marriages? THREE? And the fact that as a single man I've done some of the most amazing and incredible things in my entire life AS that single man? It gets harder and harder to let that go. My idea now is? Get my career on track, get some money under my belt, and spend my free time working on a charity of some sort to fill that side of me. Fuck handing my nervous system to another partner. I'll hand it to making homes for people or some shit. If I had taken my free time during CBS and The Egos to do that, instead of babysit Donna? Holy shit. I would've solved the housing crisis - LMAO.
You know I say all that, but it's clear by what happened yesterday - that I do want love and realistically will be unsatisfied at some point. But if everything goes the way I think it will go with Comedy Central? I'm gonna be far too busy to focus on that.
Timing is everything.
PS - The song is originally from 1999 when I was struggling to commit to Jessica. And I was so fucking frustrated with that fact. Why was it hard for me? I was Mr. Romantic! But it was like none of that mattered because all that counted was that moment - when I was having reservations. The two situations seemed rather poignant when juxtaposed with the song. The video was during the divorce from Jessica, and hearing the song for the first time in 5 years, and taking in all that had changed... and even then, feeling like I had to prove I was a man. There's a lot of that in life. Past means shit. Be the man today... every day.