Am I the
whirlwind romantic willing to give my life to someone
for the twinkle in their eyes?
or...
Am
I the staunchly self-centered recovering husband
who will run from a relationship?
And is there any
middle ground? Or will I one day just dash from one
descriptor to the next? I've never been the latter
until recently so I really don't know how to respond.
But I do know that yesterday that romantic man
returned with such a vengeance that I surprised
myself, and today I'm left wondering what the hell
that means.
The details will
not be shared, I know exactly what happened and how
rare it was. Just know an event showed me that there
is a part of me somewhere that does indeed desperately
want that one connection that I can depend on the rest
of my life...
...but I'll be
damned if I'm in any place to actually say that
completely. My head is EVERYWHERE right now. I can't
make a decision about BREAKFAST while I'm in the midst
of the Comedy Central production, let alone something
romantic. However, my actions may have decided it all
for me and I gotta say? I take solace in that. Give me
a direction? I'll find the most positive path. Give me
no direction? I'll still follow a path, but the risk
of it being negative exists. With direction, I always
find a positive, happy existence.
But of course
nothing is ever set in stone, and there are always
choices. This entry isn't about that. It's about what
happened to me yesterday - to suddenly, fairly
level-headedly, find that man that wants love. Even if
I scurry back to my "singledom", I know he
exists...
...but could he
BE more retarded? Adam? Seriously? All you've
known is drama in relationships. Even the good ones.
Nah, Jess & I had very little drama until the end.
Man, thank GOD for that relationship. It really
does remind me of just how smooth things can be. But
what are you thinking? You have a fairly drama-free
existence right now. Your most difficult dilemma with
the opposite sex is making sure they understand you
want to be single. That's it. You are happy,
fulfilled, surrounded by those that love and support
you - with plenty of time to yourself and on top of
the world. What on earth makes you think, for even a
second, that the grass could be greener in a
relationship?
That face. That
face is what does it, and you know it man. You are a
sucker for a pretty face like a fire is a sucker for
oxygen. How many times did you gaze at Donna as she
blistered through you, more and more abusive as time
went on, because it triggered some pavlovian reaction
in your pants? It's bizarre isn't it? It's
embarrassing as fuck to admit to - as it seems so
superficial, but I can't deny the power of it.
Granted, there's a plethora of other things that make
someone attractive. Nothing more UNattractive than a
pretty face covering up an ugly person. But if the
person isn't ugly inside? And the outside triggers
something in your DNA? Gone. It's a trance. It's
unreal...
...and it's gone
the second I'm alone sitting in front of my laptop.
Well gone is a bit harsh. The feelings are still
there, but the rash decision making and whirlwind
"jumping" lessens considerably. Oh and having a limp
dick at the moment helps too. Let's not forget THAT
detail. Goddamn being a man sucks sometimes.
Seriously. What the hell am I supposed to do with this
thing? Can I put it away for a few months? It's a
compass to drama. THATTAWAY!!!
Ha.
I'm writing this
simply to show the conflict. Simply to be honest. It
is indeed part of the human condition to think the
grass is greener, but "The Journey" usually helps
me get past that. 'Cause I have documented proof of
damn near every blade of grass on every side... alas,
nothing trumps potential in the mind of a
romantic.
The kicker in
everything however? Now I'm a totally different man.
I have the world at my fingertips and not only do
I have the option of going anywhere and doing
anything? I actually do it. That's where most people
crack. That's where most people just give in - and
live the comfortable life. Yeah they say when they're
single: "Man - I have the freedom to do anything!" But
they never actually do it. And eventually they realize
that, and get comfortable. But after three marriages?
THREE? And the fact that as a single man I've done
some of the most amazing and incredible things in my
entire life AS that single man? It gets harder and
harder to let that go. My idea now is? Get my career
on track, get some money under my belt, and spend my
free time working on a charity of some sort to fill
that side of me. Fuck handing my nervous system to
another partner. I'll hand it to making homes for
people or some shit. If I had taken my free time
during CBS and The Egos to do that, instead of babysit
Donna? Holy shit. I would've solved the housing crisis
- LMAO.
You know I say all
that, but it's clear by what happened yesterday - that
I do want love and realistically will be unsatisfied
at some point. But if everything goes the way I think
it will go with Comedy Central? I'm gonna be far too
busy to focus on that.
Timing is
everything.
Adam
PS - The song is
originally from 1999 when I was struggling to
commit to Jessica. And I was so fucking frustrated
with that fact. Why was it hard for me? I was Mr.
Romantic! But it was like none of that mattered
because all that counted was that moment - when I was
having reservations. The two situations seemed rather
poignant when juxtaposed with the song. The video was
during the divorce from Jessica, and hearing the song
for the first time in 5 years, and taking in all that
had changed... and even then, feeling like I had
to prove I was a man. There's a lot of that in life.
Past means shit. Be the man today... every
day.
