11:11 AM, Tuesday, October 20th 2009:
Christ Adam, good luck trying to explain why you're really so happy after this doozy...
This might as well be an Egos entry because honest-to-goodness that's where this came from. I'm really starting to hone in on the Egos Script after months of "watching it in my head"... and it taps into a strange part of your brain when you're forcing creativity. Luckily, I have plenty of practice and after the ridiculous schedule at CBS, this is a breeze... but it's still a hella-long show to put together from scratch and it's crunch-time.
What inevitably happens when I'm writing, is my house gets cleaned. :-) Or I take 4 showers a day, 'cause for some reason I think better pacing in the shower. What also happens is I sit down at the piano and am really creative... in the wrong direction. I had a tiny bit of alcohol, and was actually doing good on the script - and getting kinda bouncy. Oh and also? I tend to write Egos stuff standing up. 'Cause I need to run around and act shit out (this is an entry video isn't it). So that sets the scene. I sit at the piano, kinda bouncy, kinda buzzed and I knock out those chords with these lyrics:
i know you said "i do" -- but i promise you "you dont"
when life gets tough for you -- i promise you "you wont"
when all the dreams you've dreamt in life come crashing down in may
tell me then, "there'll be another day"...
call me jaded if you want -- but think of what i've seen
integrity's a cunt -- that's made me hard and mean
when all the dreams you've dreamt in life come crashing down in may
tell me then, "there'll be another day"...
she says she needs commitment soon, but how can i do that?
i need to know for sure she's right, been hurt enough to learn from that...
...in 1995
i was just a boy, -- but now I'm just a man,
susceptible to joy -- but I'll settle for a fan,
when all the dreams i've dreamt in life, come true for once in may...
chances are I'll dream of yesterday.
WOW. Where the hell? At one of the happiest moments of my life? Everything going great, on top of the world? Christ. Adam has some issues. HA. In the first part I was imagining a newly married woman telling me how happy she was with marriage and what my response would be. Obviously my "glass half-empty" response. HA. The song is FILLED with allusions to shit no one will ever know:
-"come crashing down in May" was a line from a song I wrote in 1999 called "Believe" where I was concerned that the results of an HIV test would destroy all of my 4tvs dreams. Fucked up right? I was a stupid boy at 22, and was all sorts of worried about that. Of course I was fine, but man was I fuggin' scared.
-"there'll be another day" was a hopeful song I wrote (actually entitle "Another Day") about getting a second chance at love, yadda yadda. Meh.
-the entire bridge ("says she needs commitment soon") is from the song "Tomorrow" that I actually wrote in 1994. The chords were right as I was bangin' on the piano and it occured to me how bizarre it was that I would write that song 15 years before I was ever really in that position. "Tomorrow" was this totally fictitious song that I wrote about being this single free-wheelin' guy who would put off all commitment by saying "tomorrow". Ironic for Mr. Monagamy back then, but it was a fun writing exercise. 15 years later? Just fucking surreal.
-"susceptible to joy -- but I'll settle for a fan" has to be the most jarring line I think I've ever written in a song - and everytime I hear it? It makes me shake my head. It blows my mind that if I'm 100% honest, I'll choose fame over joy right now. I'm just so goddamned tired of failure that it's the only thing in my sights. What was also nice was that "May" had a real meaning in the final verse since I believe this spring could be life changing career-wise... and it has always nagged at me that if I sacrificed everything for my career, if I really make it - how soon before I just wish I had what I had in 2000 with Jess?
So there's just really no hiding the fact that, there's some demons in me - and no amount of therapeutic writing is gonna change that. I mean I'm sure we all get to an age where there are some things we'll deal with forever. Parts of my past relationships are always gonna sting from time to time, always going to provide fodder for art -- but it doesn't paralyze me. I'm not scared of it at all. I embrace it. I continue to work, continue to move, continue to grow -- and continue to have no problem saying "I can't be in a relationship right now." 'Cause truer words have never been spoken. Does it sadden me that's true from time to time? Sure it does. I loved being the wonderful supportive life-mate... but I've changed. And I've embraced the change and made the most of it. My goal is to be a positive influence on every single person I meet...
...and to get this script done and blow people's minds at what I can put into a half hour if given the chance. And man, you guys though Chappelle was edgy? I'm gunnin' for ya Dave...