Alright Cam, I'll
give ya this one. But the truth is, I didn't want to
draw more attention to something that happened
"publically" - that only me and the other person
understood. I apologized when it happened,
throughout the day, throughout the week, and now
publically... but as the days have passed however,
you're right - I do indeed need to check
myself.
<enough
with the cute entry of make-believe. I figued this was
a more creative video than a
song>
So in the heat of
the moment Sunday, in response to a pissy comment
thrown my way - I let a zinger go that was the
definition of "below the belt". I always say, your
character is shown truly when things are hardest, and
man did I drop the ball here. The point of "The
Journey" of course is to hold myself accountable, and
try to analyze why I went so far out of character.
There's a bunch of little things that aren't excuses,
but give some insight to my mindset.
I'm doing
"FOUR" and "Adam & The Egos" at the
same time. Wearing a bunch of hats like I usually do,
and going into the games on Sunday I was in the midst
of writing dialogue in my head between The Egos. At
the same time I actually was also thinking of ways to
get under each player's skin in FOUR. It's
interesting, because there are no forbidden areas with
"Adam & The Egos". The whole point is to have The
Egos hit below the belt. Not so with the other
project, but I thought of "weak points" nonetheless
even if I would never actually do that to my
friends.
As you can
imagine, I was jawing with someone and was pretty
pissed. A particularly pissy statement was flung my
way and I instantly went to the reserve of
"weak points" I had thought of and spit it out. It was
one of the meanest things I've ever said and a week's
worth of apologizing won't take it back. The apology
is accepted, but forgiving myself is a whole different
story. What the fuck? Have I really become so
self-centered that I never once considered someone
else's feelings? I mean I went RIGHT to it,
trying to hurt the person. I just
don't do that to people I care
about.
Which of course
begs the question - do I care about this person?
Eeeek. Talk about a taboo subject. It shouldn't matter
really - but it is a judgement of my character and how
I treat EVERYONE. For example, no one ever threw more
venom at me than Donna. There isn't even a close 2nd.
However, I loved and adored her. I knew she was
hurting, I saw a gorgeous spirit within her, and I
always returned the anger with love... or removed
myself from the situation...
...but now I'm in
this quasi-self-imposed "selfish phase" where I am
purposely avoiding any serious relationship for my
career and in turn spending time with those I
know won't turn into more. Strange, isn't it?
No way to really define that situation. Especially for
the others involved because - you can't really give
your heart guidelines. So no matter what I say, no
matter how honest I am - they still feel. And that's
where I have to be a better human being.
I am responsible whether or not it was my
intention.
"The
message received is the only one that
counts"
It's the motto of
interpersonal communication I've always tried to live
by. I am responsible for how I am received and I
cannot be so self-centered to not be aware of that, or
not treat it as special.
But I didn't.
Had I beeen more empathetic? Had I been who I've
always been my entire life? There isn't a chance in
HELL I would've thrown the low-blow that I did. I hold
myself to a higher standard when it comes to my
relationships and somewhere along the line this year I
thought that ME not wanting a serious
relationship meant I didn't have to be responsible to
anyone else's feelings. I will do everything in my
power to keep that from happening again...
...and hopefully
Cam will keep my shit in check as well.
:-)
