8:59 PM, Friday, October 16th 2009:
Alright Cam, I'll give ya this one. But the truth is, I didn't want to draw more attention to something that happened "publically" - that only me and the other person understood. I apologized when it happened, throughout the day, throughout the week, and now publically... but as the days have passed however, you're right - I do indeed need to check myself.
<enough with the cute entry of make-believe. I figued this was a more creative video than a song>
So in the heat of the moment Sunday, in response to a pissy comment thrown my way - I let a zinger go that was the definition of "below the belt". I always say, your character is shown truly when things are hardest, and man did I drop the ball here. The point of "The Journey" of course is to hold myself accountable, and try to analyze why I went so far out of character. There's a bunch of little things that aren't excuses, but give some insight to my mindset.
I'm doing "FOUR" and "Adam & The Egos" at the same time. Wearing a bunch of hats like I usually do, and going into the games on Sunday I was in the midst of writing dialogue in my head between The Egos. At the same time I actually was also thinking of ways to get under each player's skin in FOUR. It's interesting, because there are no forbidden areas with "Adam & The Egos". The whole point is to have The Egos hit below the belt. Not so with the other project, but I thought of "weak points" nonetheless even if I would never actually do that to my friends.
As you can imagine, I was jawing with someone and was pretty pissed. A particularly pissy statement was flung my way and I instantly went to the reserve of "weak points" I had thought of and spit it out. It was one of the meanest things I've ever said and a week's worth of apologizing won't take it back. The apology is accepted, but forgiving myself is a whole different story. What the fuck? Have I really become so self-centered that I never once considered someone else's feelings? I mean I went RIGHT to it, trying to hurt the person. I just don't do that to people I care about.
Which of course begs the question - do I care about this person? Eeeek. Talk about a taboo subject. It shouldn't matter really - but it is a judgement of my character and how I treat EVERYONE. For example, no one ever threw more venom at me than Donna. There isn't even a close 2nd. However, I loved and adored her. I knew she was hurting, I saw a gorgeous spirit within her, and I always returned the anger with love... or removed myself from the situation...
...but now I'm in this quasi-self-imposed "selfish phase" where I am purposely avoiding any serious relationship for my career and in turn spending time with those I know won't turn into more. Strange, isn't it? No way to really define that situation. Especially for the others involved because - you can't really give your heart guidelines. So no matter what I say, no matter how honest I am - they still feel. And that's where I have to be a better human being. I am responsible whether or not it was my intention.
"The message received is the only one that counts"
It's the motto of interpersonal communication I've always tried to live by. I am responsible for how I am received and I cannot be so self-centered to not be aware of that, or not treat it as special.
But I didn't. Had I beeen more empathetic? Had I been who I've always been my entire life? There isn't a chance in HELL I would've thrown the low-blow that I did. I hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to my relationships and somewhere along the line this year I thought that ME not wanting a serious relationship meant I didn't have to be responsible to anyone else's feelings. I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening again...
...and hopefully Cam will keep my shit in check as well. :-)