11:09 AM, Monday, September 28th 2009:
Alright, let's knock this entry out already.
So I had 30 days from the moment of "being served" in July to do my part and go to the courthouse and file. The bizarreness of the situation lead me to procrastinate to the very last moment and I finally set aside the time to do it. As I was signing and dating everything I had to shake my head. It was my wedding anniversary with Jessica, August 13th. Sounds about right for "The Journey". And truth be told, you have enough marriages/divorces/career moments - you'll inievitably always be doing something on an anniversary. HA. But calling Jess to wish her happy anniversary (which we still do, twistedly) was all the more funny when she asked "whatcha doin?"
"Oh just filling out my divorce papers, you?" :-)
Love it. Sarah (Ms. Johnson from the "This is gonna hurt" entry) came with me to the courthouse. Heh, seems like a perfectly "Adam" date, right? And can I just say thank you to Donna for doing this in Burbank and not Van Nuys or Los Angeles? It was sooooooooooooo easy. No lines, hardly any waiting. They explained everything and OOH OOH the videogame moment:
So if you can't afford the fees ($350) and think you have a case to get the fees waived, you can go before the judge and plead your case. Hell yes I'm doing that. So I filled out the paperwork (unemployed and house being $100,000 upside-down oughtta do it) and you hand it to the clerk and sit and wait. Then, they give you the "verdict" back in a sealed envelope that you can't look at. You have to take it to another clerk that then opens it and reveals the prize! How fun is this shit? All I could think of was finding a locked treasure chest in Zelda, then getting a key - and going back to open it. I mean - how often do you get to open a package that has a 50/50 chance of saving you $350? I felt like Charlie Bucket, dawg. She opened that thing, all fees were waived - HELL YES. I was so freaking excited.
Then, they said that I now have to have someone serve DONNA. !??! What a complete cluster-fuck. Seriously, all of this shit was avoidable. We agree on everything, we could've just gone in together and filled it all out. <rolling eyes>. Thankfully however my portion was not an "in-person" serving. I just had to have someone else sign something saying they dropped it in the mail, etc. So Sarah, welcome to Journey Folklore as you officially served Donna. How completely ridiculous. At first we thought she had to personally do it and I thought the poor girl was gonna vomit. I love the inherent drama of life sometimes. It really is like a big video game if you don't take it too seriously. Thankfully it was just a drop in the slot. Uhhhhhh heheheh.
Then when my mom was here a couple weeks back I got the "final" declarations and it seems there won't even be a court date. It just becomes "true" on January 18th (6 months from the inital "serving"). Little different than Ohio, but I guess they're pretty backed up in Lala Land and won't waste court time when there's nothing to argue. Strangest thing though, my mom was getting out of the car as I came into the house and saw the paperwork along with another generic note saying to sign and return. For a split second I had this wave of emotion take over and I wanted to hug my mom and cry: "Why doesn't she love me?". So bizarre. Funny how your emotions/heart supercede all rationale and logic sometimes. That little boy really is in there. It's rare, and the situation has to be just right for him to poke his head out, but goddamn when it happens it's overwhelming. I was fine within seconds and laughed that the thought even crossed my mind - but the level of pain I experienced with Donna will not fade easily. When I least expect it, something will trigger a memory and I'm instantly jello. And because of the lack of on-going friendship like I had with Burg and Jess? Donna has pretty much handed me a life sentence of random pangs of emotion. Thaaaaaaaaaaaaank you.
So because of the lack of an awkward court date, this really does wrap-up the story. I'm not gonna waste my time in January marking the "passing" of the actual official date, 'cause I've been "single" since May of 2008. I will have bigger things to spend my time and energy on in the new decade. I've thought about what note to leave this on and it's funny, no matter what? Love is the foundation of every single moment with her. One of the most open, selfless, sincere displays of love I've ever shown. No matter the odds, no matter what it looked like, no matter how mean she was, how she raged, how she fought... I just loved her. She was always beautiful to me. I exhausted every option because I wanted to give her every single chance to reach her potential. Every time I reread the "bad times" entries? I just shake my head at how obvious it was that I loved her. I'm sure it's because I'm so far from that "giving" person right now that it's baffling to re-live those moments. But I can't shake the positive feelings I have for her. I saw a side that may never be shown again the rest of her life. I feel almost responsible to remember it and not let it die because everyone else sees a delusion...
...and even you who have read every moment that's captured on this site including her own words from December 2007, you have no idea just how beautiful she is. Her fragile spirit will always be inside me and nothing she can say or do to me now can ever erase that. I know she's blocked the good times out of her mind because of the pain it causes to know her part in their demise, but I never will. I will always believe she is capable of loving someone and being loved and that her world will be brighter because of it once she learns how to embrace that...
...and I have no doubt that she'll be on step 9 of some program some year that will illicit a letter from her apologizing again. I will accept it, I will read it, and it will touch me. 'Cause she was and always will be beautiful to me.
PS - thought I'd explain the song. Kinda cool how it came together. My thought process was to try and capture the contradiction of it all. That in one breath I could say that she was abusive, painful, exhausting -- but she was still precious to me. So in the midst of "Independent Actions", a song I wrote last year that came from a place of anger, I decided to just "mash-up" the new song I was working on for her:  "Beautiful to Me". I really love being able to mend angry songs with slight lyric changes, or new verses, almost staining the original meaning forever. Not erasing it... just adding a little more depth 'cause the issue is so grey...
...if you can honestly say you wouldn't fall in love with the woman who wrote that about you, you're heartless. I can remember how it felt reading that for the first time when we were in NY -- instantly. Most bittersweet feeling I've ever known.