entry locked until 10.19.09
6:13 AM, Saturday, September 12th, 2009:
Really losin' it.
Will somebody just call this thing already? Jesus fucking christ. 4 months? I have emailed Josh 3 times, left 2 phone messages with the assistant... SIMPLY ASKING if he RECEIVED the attachment of the one-sheet. Two weeks.
I don't want to hear how busy these people are anymore, I don't want to hear about priorities, etc. I'm not that green. I worked at CBS, national network news - with RIDICULOUSLY busy people. "Did the attachment come through?" is not a two week response. 3 Arts is not interested. At all. And I've already been told "there is no plan B" from Alisa if Josh can't make this happen. So there ya go. We wrote off Weller/Grossman for absolutely nothing...
...or I'll get a call Monday and everything will be grand. That insanity is why I woke up at 4:54 AM and go run 5K:
And this is where you start to just lose your shit...
"So Adam, you don't need a girlfriend? You don't need the loving support of someone right now? You can just do it all yourself? You were so fucking arrogant to write-off someone who simply wanted you to see her exclusively because YOU were SOOOOO happy? Or did you just think you were better than her because of what was happening in your life? That you'd have sooooooo much love surrounding you that you didn't want to cut-off the ability to have all that love. Yeah, you're important alright. Everybody LOVES you know, huh? They won't return a fucking email dawg. So keep self-medicating with random and momentary closeness with women. Keep hanging onto this Comedy Central show that's just never going to fucking happen. How long until you find real drugs Adam? Any idea how bad this is gonna get? With NO support system? With just long-distance phone calls to real friends? You've built your entire self-worth on this most recent development and it's a fucking mirage."


I can't sleep. Granted, I'm sleeping in the 2nd bedroom as I gave my mom my room as she's visiting for a few days... but that has little to do with it. And I hate to say this - but my biggest aggrivation is that Laura acts like nothing is wrong! God love the woman for being positive, but what the fuck? And if I stopped constantly calling and writing, would I ever hear from anyone ever? I haven't heard from Alisa in over a month - and I can't possibly imagine Josh would even remember my name if I didn't hound him. Weller-Grossman never made one attempt to contact me after the falling out between Gary and Alisa... so I'm the only firestarter here. I'm the only one who is trying to make this happen. I honestly am fed up. Like I said in the last entry, I can't stand the self-centered-ness of everything anymore. I don't want to do this. I don't want to think about this, write about this... taint The Journey with this fucking drivel anymore. But if I give up? It really does disappear, 'cause no one else is grabbing this baton.
And I need a fucking job. Probably a 9-5, why the hell not? What else am I doing? This is crazy. This is fucking crazy. It is remarkable how many different ways things can fail. Isn't it? This 10 year project really is like a drug - you're dying to see just how the rug will be pulled out from under Adam year after year after year. And 2000 Adam is sitting there looking at me telling him this story - shaking his head. This won't be resolved by Entry #1000 which means THAT is what I tell 2000 Adam in the movie. NOW which way does he go?
So fucking intense. I'm gonna crack folks. Don't you EVER judge people in this industry that end up taking drugs, or worse - offing themselves. This is not a privlidged life. This is a life that is COMPLETELY out of your control. That's what people don't understand. Any other industry, you just work harder. You make things happen. You control your own destiny. Not in show-biz. You cannot will this shit. I've done everything humanly possible. I just want some REALNESS already. I need a face to face with Laura at some point today. I swear to fucking christ I have to hear her admit to me: "yeah, this isn't good..." - so I can at least try and process THAT. In all honesty, as bad as Weller-Grossman was? 3 Arts is worse. And where is Paradigm? I'm not being sent out. I'm not represented by them... I'm not represented by 3 Arts... I'm nowhere.
Damn, "Nowhere Man" isn't on Beatles Rockband. That would've been awesome. UGH.
Go Bucks. And by "Go Bucks", I just mean - only lose by like 2 touchdowns today to USC. Lowering the bar has become it's own sport for me lately.