If I was numb a
week ago, what the hell does that make me
now?
Tomorrow marks
three weeks and there is zero word. The numbness is
actually nice because it has allowed me to focus on
other things and kinda forget about all of it. That's
why I can even enjoy the 4-Square thingee. But my life
has now become this routine of going through the
motions, waiting to hear anything. I was running the
other day and I thought of the lines in 'Float
Downstream' "but when you go it's cement, it's the
numb..." and couldn't believe how the patterns are so
similar. I wrote that months before all of this
craziness and it still applies. You just hate being
right about this shit. But it makes for a really cool
video...
Man, it's hard to
begrudge these periods in life when it creates videos
like that. I swear to you all it is the reason I'm not
doing drugs right now. That is a cool, freaking,
video. And trying to document how this period feels is
the only reason it exists. This is the most helpful
project I could ever have started and even though I
feel more depressed as each day passes... I know I'm
gonna be alright. Ya know? I just know I'm gonna be
alright.
...but as I said
before - even "alright" isn't good enough anymore. I
HAVE TO HEAR SOMETHING. WHY?!
WHAT POSSIBLE FUCKING EXCUSE MAKES YOU NOT return
weeks old emails and phone calls from 3 different
people? If it was a death in the family you would
assume an assistant would call back wouldn't you? Then
again, in all honesty? I'm the only one freaking out
here. The Adler sisters ARE just floating
downstream, certain everything is fine. I wish that
gave me more comfort. I know I'm the "green" one
here, but goddamn I can't shake the feeling that we've
somehow lost something with this much time passing.
I wonder if
there's a "waiting" support group for
entertainers? I'm kinda serious about this. I really
do understand now why entertainers/actors/singers
surround themselves with other people in their
field... and even more specifically? Others in their
field at the same level. You need the support. You
need to be around people who have had pilots come and
go, who have had the bad managers, who have gotten so
close they could "make the call" back home, yet
lost it just the same. And of course those that WERE
successful, maybe still are high profile. You just
have to surround yourself with that level of
excellence to just fucking SURVIVE this
shit....
...and wow, is
that the final piece of the most LA month of my
life? The realization that I will soon gravitate to a
different group of friends because they're more
successful? I mean, if so - it's clear that I'm not
doing it for superficial reasons. Everyone can see the
progression... but it's something I have to admit
is missing from my life right now. Everyone I talk to
about this, though supportive, haven't the slightest
idea what I'm going through. I don't count Laura,
because she is actually a PART of this whole thing...
I mean my outside friends that I spend time with.
They're all wonderful, but I feel so fucking isolated
'cause none of them have been to this level. Like,
I want to hang out with Carlos Mencia. Have an
actual heart-to-heart with him about what this feels
like. How he kept SANE during all of the bullshit.
Chappelle. What made him lose his shit and give up the
deal. 'Cause you get to a point where you can do
nothing but self-medicate, and I want to avoid that at
all costs. Now I'm definintely drinking, but it's so
minimal - and I just, ugh - don't even like it. Hell I
even have vicodin left over and I'm not taking any
because I have zero interest in using drugs when I
actually mentally or physically NEED them. I
enjoy feeling the emotions and pain and working
through them. I like drinking when I'm celebrating or
taking a vicodin 'cause I'm bored and want to be loopy
for a couple hours... not to escape.
I mean, I'm doing
pretty good considering, but I'm also avoiding
thinking about what this is really gonna do to me if
it disappears. I'm scared to death of that
moment.
11:21 AM Laura:
Josh will be calling you today - just spoke to him -
all is well -
me:
!?!?!
Laura: call
me 213-***-****
Oh my fucking GOD.
Does the drama ever end? Looks like a 2 entry
day...
