entry locked until 10.19.09
10:45 AM, Tuesday, August 25th, 2009:
If I was numb a week ago, what the hell does that make me now?
Tomorrow marks three weeks and there is zero word. The numbness is actually nice because it has allowed me to focus on other things and kinda forget about all of it. That's why I can even enjoy the 4-Square thingee. But my life has now become this routine of going through the motions, waiting to hear anything. I was running the other day and I thought of the lines in 'Float Downstream' "but when you go it's cement, it's the numb..." and couldn't believe how the patterns are so similar. I wrote that months before all of this craziness and it still applies. You just hate being right about this shit. But it makes for a really cool video...
Man, it's hard to begrudge these periods in life when it creates videos like that. I swear to you all it is the reason I'm not doing drugs right now. That is a cool, freaking, video. And trying to document how this period feels is the only reason it exists. This is the most helpful project I could ever have started and even though I feel more depressed as each day passes... I know I'm gonna be alright. Ya know? I just know I'm gonna be alright.
...but as I said before - even "alright" isn't good enough anymore. I HAVE TO HEAR SOMETHING. WHY?! WHAT POSSIBLE FUCKING EXCUSE MAKES YOU NOT return weeks old emails and phone calls from 3 different people? If it was a death in the family you would assume an assistant would call back wouldn't you? Then again, in all honesty? I'm the only one freaking out here. The Adler sisters ARE just floating downstream, certain everything is fine. I wish that gave me more comfort. I know I'm the "green" one here, but goddamn I can't shake the feeling that we've somehow lost something with this much time passing.
I wonder if there's a "waiting" support group for entertainers? I'm kinda serious about this. I really do understand now why entertainers/actors/singers surround themselves with other people in their field... and even more specifically? Others in their field at the same level. You need the support. You need to be around people who have had pilots come and go, who have had the bad managers, who have gotten so close they could "make the call" back home, yet lost it just the same. And of course those that WERE successful, maybe still are high profile. You just have to surround yourself with that level of excellence to just fucking SURVIVE this shit....
...and wow, is that the final piece of the most LA month of my life? The realization that I will soon gravitate to a different group of friends because they're more successful? I mean, if so - it's clear that I'm not doing it for superficial reasons. Everyone can see the progression... but it's something I have to admit is missing from my life right now. Everyone I talk to about this, though supportive, haven't the slightest idea what I'm going through. I don't count Laura, because she is actually a PART of this whole thing... I mean my outside friends that I spend time with. They're all wonderful, but I feel so fucking isolated 'cause none of them have been to this level. Like, I want to hang out with Carlos Mencia. Have an actual heart-to-heart with him about what this feels like. How he kept SANE during all of the bullshit. Chappelle. What made him lose his shit and give up the deal. 'Cause you get to a point where you can do nothing but self-medicate, and I want to avoid that at all costs. Now I'm definintely drinking, but it's so minimal - and I just, ugh - don't even like it. Hell I even have vicodin left over and I'm not taking any because I have zero interest in using drugs when I actually mentally or physically NEED them. I enjoy feeling the emotions and pain and working through them. I like drinking when I'm celebrating or taking a vicodin 'cause I'm bored and want to be loopy for a couple hours... not to escape.
I mean, I'm doing pretty good considering, but I'm also avoiding thinking about what this is really gonna do to me if it disappears. I'm scared to death of that moment.
11:21 AM Laura: Josh will be calling you today - just spoke to him - all is well -
me: !?!?!
Laura: call me 213-***-****
Oh my fucking GOD. Does the drama ever end? Looks like a 2 entry day...