entry locked until 10.19.09
1:36 PM, Tuesday, August 18th, 2009:
Tomorrow marks 2 weeks since the huge meeting with 3 Arts. I haven't heard a word since. Now nearly a week since my email to Josh and about the same time since my agent's. To say that i'm disappointed is quite the understatement. Although I love making new videos/songs for how I feel, I've unfortunately been down this exact road so many times that there's a plethora to pick from...
I am numb. My body has a sort of "clock" that can sense when things have passed. I wrote this song during the America's Got Talent craziness in 2006. I knew things were over even though some in casting told me there was still a chance. Same thing during Up & Adam as well. Vinnie was certain everything was fine, but I knew almost instantly when I sat down with him in NY there was no way this is going forward. And that's what is so disheartening about this...
My gut has never been wrong about this so far. Doesn't mean it can't be, but it's a sinking feeling. I just don't think 3 Arts is hot on this show, and if they aren't - I feel Comedy Central will lose interest as well. I can't be the only person excited about it. Even though they proved their ineptness as time went on, Weller/Grossman were excited as fuck in the Comedy Central meeting - and that helps. Now they're gone, 3 Arts isn't excited - and I have no access to Jim myself. We're also looking at THREEEEEE MONTHS since the Comedy Central meeting. To me? To my heart? The writing is on the wall. I write to Alisa about the lack of response and she just says to "breathe", that everything is fine. No one seems to have a fire under them to get things done. That is doom for deals.
As I sit and ponder everything I just get soooooooooooo aggrivated at Weller/Grossman for so clearly dropping the ball. I went from feeling bad for having to choose to go around them - to just being disgusted that they could let the whole thing fall through out of... almost complete lack of passion for the project. I just want to grab them as a complete outsider and yell:  "GET OFF YOUR ASS! Make a call to your FRIEND Jim! Make this deal! Get this show going! Your business relies on that... as you continue to downsize to the point of oblivion you're letting a really good deal fall through the cracks!" 'Cause with 3 Arts disappearing? They could certainly make a play. Why does no one have that inner-fight?
It's where I really just get numb to everything. I am so tired of the prodding, the scheming, the constant effort to not only motivate yourself but to motivate every other person around you. Without it, there's nothing. Will I ever have someone working WITH me that is just as motivated? And can you fucking imagine how fast things could move? How much could get done?
But this is the Hollywood story. It just is. What it takes to get a show on the air is the stuff of legend. It is a constant push from usually one or two people that actually believe, and the rest of the people that only move if they think they're missing out on something that could be hot. And then when it does pick up steam? EVERYONE is on-board and it takes all precedence. I felt that 2 weeks ago, and now it is completely gone and I have absolutely nothing I can do except wait. It is excruciating...
...and I think that's where the defense mechanism of "numbness" comes in. I guess it's my mind and body's way of self-medicating. I just go numb without needing any drugs. My heart has to drop out now to deal with the eventual heartbreak of losing everything. It's a pattern I know so well. And again, I have no choice here. My body just reacts. My actions will always be positive. I'm still saying the right things, scheming the right ways - I can act outside of my heart no problem. I'm very lucky in that sense that negatvie feelins don't affect my actions... but again, my entire heart/body/mind feels like this is completely over. It will play out for several more weeks, until I have a conversation with my agent totally spinning the loss of Comedy Central as no big deal. That there are other networks.
How many years can I keep spinning failure?