Tomorrow marks 2
weeks since the huge meeting with 3 Arts. I haven't
heard a word since. Now nearly a week since my email
to Josh and about the same time since my agent's. To
say that i'm disappointed is quite the understatement.
Although I love making new videos/songs for how I
feel, I've unfortunately been down this exact road so
many times that there's a plethora to pick
from...
I am
numb. My body has a sort of "clock" that
can sense when things have passed. I wrote
this song during the America's Got Talent
craziness in 2006. I knew things were over
even though some in casting told me there
was still a chance. Same thing during Up
& Adam as well. Vinnie was certain
everything was fine, but I knew
almost instantly when I sat down with him
in NY there was no way this is
going forward. And that's what is so
disheartening about this...
My gut has never
been wrong about this so far. Doesn't mean it can't
be, but it's a sinking feeling. I just don't think 3
Arts is hot on this show, and if they aren't - I feel
Comedy Central will lose interest as well. I can't be
the only person excited about it. Even though they
proved their ineptness as time went on,
Weller/Grossman were excited as fuck in the Comedy
Central meeting - and that helps. Now they're gone, 3
Arts isn't excited - and I have no access to Jim
myself. We're also looking at THREEEEEE MONTHS since
the Comedy Central meeting. To me? To my heart? The
writing is on the wall. I write to Alisa about the
lack of response and she just says to "breathe", that
everything is fine. No one seems to have a fire under
them to get things done. That is doom for deals.
As I sit and
ponder everything I just get soooooooooooo aggrivated
at Weller/Grossman for so clearly dropping the ball. I
went from feeling bad for having to choose to go
around them - to just being disgusted that they could
let the whole thing fall through out of... almost
complete lack of passion for the project. I just want
to grab them as a complete outsider and yell:
"GET OFF YOUR ASS! Make a call to your
FRIEND Jim! Make this deal! Get this show going! Your
business relies on that... as you continue to downsize
to the point of oblivion you're letting a really good
deal fall through the cracks!" 'Cause with 3 Arts
disappearing? They could certainly make a play. Why
does no one have that inner-fight?
It's where
I really just get numb to everything. I am so
tired of the prodding, the scheming, the constant
effort to not only motivate yourself but to motivate
every other person around you. Without it, there's
nothing. Will I ever have someone working WITH me that
is just as motivated? And can you fucking imagine how
fast things could move? How much could get
done?
But this is the
Hollywood story. It just is. What it takes to get a
show on the air is the stuff of legend. It is a
constant push from usually one or two people that
actually believe, and the rest of the people that only
move if they think they're missing out on something
that could be hot. And then when it does pick up
steam? EVERYONE is on-board and it takes all
precedence. I felt that 2 weeks ago, and now it is
completely gone and I have absolutely nothing I
can do except wait. It is excruciating...
...and
I think that's where the defense mechanism of
"numbness" comes in. I guess it's my mind and
body's way of self-medicating. I just go numb without
needing any drugs. My heart has to drop out now to
deal with the eventual heartbreak of losing
everything. It's a pattern I know so well. And
again, I have no choice here. My body just
reacts. My actions will always be positive. I'm
still saying the right things, scheming the right ways
- I can act outside of my heart no problem. I'm
very lucky in that sense that negatvie feelins don't
affect my actions... but again, my entire
heart/body/mind feels like this is completely over. It
will play out for several more weeks, until I have a
conversation with my agent totally spinning the loss
of Comedy Central as no big deal. That there are other
networks.
