entry locked until 10.19.09
2:22 AM, Thursday, August 6th, 2009:
This is eating at me pretty good. I should be sleeping soundly as I'm getting that big-ass mole removed from my nose tomorrow (later today) but alas, am still up stressin'. I know I have the head for this business (I knew the right choice immediately), but I don't have the heart or the stomach... yet.
And that's where it gets scary. What am I becoming? And the fucking kicker? Charlotte told me this would happen. Her ass is haunting me.
In 2001 when we would talk, she would mention how her and her other manager/agent friends would bemoan the fact that they get the client the break and they get left for a bigger company. It always happens, I swore I wouldn't do that. And I can sit here and list all the legitimate reasons I had issue with Weller/Grossman (and they are fucking legitimate) but truth is? 3 Arts is just a bigger company. That's the only issue that really matters. I want to see this succeed and I have a better shot with 3 Arts. Again, there's a laundry list of other reasons I had problems with Weller/Grossman - but it comes down to who can help me more. It's exactly what Charlotte said I would do and it's hitting me like a 2x4.
'Cause folks? These are the moments. These are the little choices that end up making you "LA". Ya wanna know why Tara's words hurt me so bad? I'm scared they are true and I don't even know it. Granted, calling me LA for networking on Facebook is a little ridiculous, but this W/G move? Not so ridiculous. Letting Jess go back to Ohio? Not so ridiculous. We're all a series of choices in life and that's what I have given my nervous system to document in "The Journey" and I'm seeing a different man in the mirror. And oh my fucking shizzle am I petrified of the "From 1 to 1000" project right now. Facing 2000 Adam? He's gonna blast the hell out of me.
All I was when I came out here was honest and loyal. To everyone I knew, especially to Jess, to everything. I stayed loyal to Charlotte through EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVERYTHING. It broke me really. It's like that Adam doesn't exist now. She burned me harder than any woman I've ever known. And yeah, I'm including Donna in that. 'Cause now I just want to make it. It's all business and since they're all assholes? I'm an asshole.
Heavy shit. Btw - the chorus is totally stolen from "Watching History Again", but since I never released it, who gives a fuck. :-)
But yeah, I'm strugglin' here. Not so much with the decision, there's no logical way I stay with Weller/Grossman if given the opportunity to go elsewhere, but with who I am now. There's is an injustice to this situation that I could fix... but I'm choosing not to - because it would hurt me. I don't operate like that. I mean even the fact that in the song I defend with "And they'd do the same to me", isn't like me AT ALL. How does that make it right Adam!??!? Aren't you above that? Aren't you the one who quit his job and marched on Washington against the war because of right/wrong? That hurt you, but you didn't care. Don't you help EVERYONE you can at every turn? Remember the music video for the woman who promised to pay all your expenses and totally ripped you off and still got her video? Hell, even Tara! She gave you all that shit - and you STILL considered her to be part of your writing team and tried to reconcile things. It's the core of who you are...
...and in one move - you turn your back on the only people who ever got you into Comedy Central and in-turn, that pilot. Again, they put me in an unbelieveably shitty position by asking for the world in that contract, and far over-estimated their worth, but... actually - man that's another good point in all this. They saw all of my stuff, they knew I edited and produced all of it myself, maybe they didn't believe me? Because they sure as hell act like I need them a lot more than they need me. They don't return calls, they make excuses, they aren't pro-active, and they were uber-pissed when that was brought to their attention by Alisa. Like, how dare you say we're not bringing anything to the table!?! You know, I wonder (and this is mind-blowing to even fucking type) if they have any idea what goes into producing a show? Like, when they look at the Young & The Restless bit I produced by myself, do they actually comprehend the skills I must have had to do that? Or are they just the deal guys? 'Cause if they had any idea, I have a feeling they wouldn't have come soooooooooo strong in that contract. They should have known that my skills kinda neutralize their value from the get-go, and it just seems they were completely unaware of that.
Wow - reread that sentence. Talk about all over the place. I slam myself for turning my back on them and then defend it beautifully by the end. Grey, grey, grey. This business is just fucked. And honestly - it's not just showbiz that is like this. Any business on a high enough level becomes really cut-throat and I've CERTAINLY been on the other side of this. I'm no longer green. Something Charlotte called me constantly. That ship has sailed. I've been through soooooooooooo much just in the past 3 years alone, and this is now who I am.
I talked to Jess tonight and told her the whole story and actually said:  "Do you still love me?" She said of course... but I don't feel like that Adam anymore and that's what I'm trying to hold onto. I look in the mirror now? I feel like a product. Working out, eating right, gearing everything towards my image so when I walk out for the pilot so it puts my career through the roof. Hell - even the mole removal tomorrow fits right in with this "new Adam". Throw in the W/G stuff and it's hard not to feel lost. These are the moments you really know you're alone. When the "single life" isn't so attractive. When your family being 2500 miles away seems almost unbearable.
This is The Journey.