This is eating at
me pretty good. I should be sleeping soundly as I'm
getting that big-ass mole removed from my nose
tomorrow (later today) but alas, am still up
stressin'. I know I have the head for this business (I
knew the right choice immediately), but I don't
have the heart or the stomach... yet.
And that's where
it gets scary. What am I becoming? And the fucking
kicker? Charlotte told me this would happen. Her ass
is haunting me.
In 2001 when we
would talk, she would mention how her and her other
manager/agent friends would bemoan the fact that they
get the client the break and they get left for a
bigger company. It always happens, I swore I wouldn't
do that. And I can sit here and list all the
legitimate reasons I had issue with Weller/Grossman
(and they are fucking legitimate) but truth is? 3 Arts
is just a bigger company. That's the only issue that
really matters. I want to see this succeed and I have
a better shot with 3 Arts. Again, there's a laundry
list of other reasons I had problems with
Weller/Grossman - but it comes down to who can help me
more. It's exactly what Charlotte said I would
do and it's hitting me like a 2x4.
These are the moments. These are the little choices
that end up making you "LA". Ya wanna know why Tara's
words hurt me so bad? I'm scared they are true and
I don't even know it. Granted, calling me LA for
networking on Facebook is a little ridiculous, but
this W/G move? Not so ridiculous. Letting Jess go back
to Ohio? Not so ridiculous. We're all a series of
choices in life and that's what I have given my
nervous system to document in "The Journey" and I'm
seeing a different man in the mirror. And oh my
fucking shizzle am I petrified of the "From 1 to 1000"
project right now. Facing 2000 Adam? He's gonna blast
the hell out of me.
All I was when
I came out here was honest and loyal. To everyone
I knew, especially to Jess, to everything. I stayed
loyal to Charlotte through
EVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVERYTHING. It broke me really.
It's like that Adam doesn't exist now. She burned me
harder than any woman I've ever known. And yeah, I'm
including Donna in that. 'Cause now I just want to
make it. It's all business and since they're all
assholes? I'm an asshole.
Heavy shit. Btw -
the chorus is totally stolen from "Watching History
Again", but since I never released it, who gives a
But yeah, I'm
strugglin' here. Not so much with the decision,
there's no logical way I stay with Weller/Grossman if
given the opportunity to go elsewhere, but with who I
am now. There's is an injustice to this situation that
I could fix... but I'm choosing not to - because it
would hurt me. I don't operate like that. I mean
even the fact that in the song I defend with "And
they'd do the same to me", isn't like me AT ALL.
How does that make it right Adam!??!? Aren't you above
that? Aren't you the one who quit his job and marched
on Washington against the war because of right/wrong?
That hurt you, but you didn't care. Don't you help
EVERYONE you can at every turn? Remember the
music video for the woman who promised to pay all your
expenses and totally ripped you off and still got her
video? Hell, even Tara! She gave you all that shit -
and you STILL considered her to be part of your
writing team and tried to reconcile things. It's the
core of who you are...
...and in one move
- you turn your back on the only people who
ever got you into Comedy Central and in-turn,
that pilot. Again, they put me in an unbelieveably
shitty position by asking for the world in that
contract, and far over-estimated their worth, but...
actually - man that's another good point in all this.
They saw all of my stuff, they knew I edited and
produced all of it myself, maybe they didn't believe
me? Because they sure as hell act like I need them a
lot more than they need me. They don't return calls,
they make excuses, they aren't pro-active, and they
were uber-pissed when that was brought to their
attention by Alisa. Like, how dare you say we're not
bringing anything to the table!?! You know, I wonder
(and this is mind-blowing to even fucking type) if
they have any idea what goes into producing a show?
Like, when they look at the Young & The Restless
bit I produced by myself, do they actually comprehend
the skills I must have had to do that? Or are they
just the deal guys? 'Cause if they had any idea, I
have a feeling they wouldn't have come soooooooooo
strong in that contract. They should have known that
my skills kinda neutralize their value from the
get-go, and it just seems they were completely unaware
Wow - reread that
sentence. Talk about all over the place. I slam myself
for turning my back on them and then defend it
beautifully by the end. Grey, grey, grey. This
business is just fucked. And honestly - it's not just
showbiz that is like this. Any business on a high
enough level becomes really cut-throat and I've
CERTAINLY been on the other side of this. I'm no
longer green. Something Charlotte called me
constantly. That ship has sailed. I've been through
soooooooooooo much just in the past 3 years alone, and
this is now who I am.
I talked to
Jess tonight and told her the whole story and actually
said: "Do you still love me?" She said of
course... but I don't feel like that Adam anymore and
that's what I'm trying to hold onto. I look in the
mirror now? I feel like a product. Working out, eating
right, gearing everything towards my image so when I
walk out for the pilot so it puts my career through
the roof. Hell - even the mole removal tomorrow fits
right in with this "new Adam". Throw in the W/G stuff
and it's hard not to feel lost. These are the moments
you really know you're alone. When the "single life"
isn't so attractive. When your family being 2500 miles
away seems almost unbearable.