11:49 PM, Monday, June 22nd, 2009:
What I experienced today is so personal I can't write about it while thinking it's going to be public. It makes me cringe to think anyone is going to see this deep inside me and I know goddamned well that the "webmaster" in me will never let me lock it. It's such a fucking internal struggle to do this site. Godddddddddddd I wish people understood that. I emote and create from the heart... but my HEAD made The Journey. I want this to be private, but that's EXACTLY why my head will put it up - it's an exhausting battle that I'm not sure how to avoid. Just needed to be said.
So, to the video - that to me makes #895 seem like a comedy.
If your computer can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's loaded) click the "HD" button... incredible.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeew. I was on the boat today headed towards the island of Agistri when I saw a man with a very "greek" type of shirt. White, nearly see through... very "beachy". My exact thought-process was this:
"I should get one. It's ok to buy that now, isn't it? I've done good enough, right?"
And for some reason, today, it occured to me just how bizarre that line of thinking was. It's "journey-thinking". It's the mode I've been in for a decade as I try to do everything in my power to make it. It's why my refrigerator has been off since October... 'cause hey, $50 a month saved puts me that much closer to paying my mortgage which allows The Journey to continue one month longer. It's why every single purchase is labored over - and honest-to-goodness 95% of what I buy is to create more art.
But the thing is? I don't want to be that Adam forever. I know that the second I get to a certain level... all of that will relax. I will be kinder to myself. I will allow myself to breathe. A vacation won't be "The Hail Mary" to jumpstart my career that this was, it will be something I absolutely deserve and won't think twice about. But in my mind, I don't deserve ANYTHING until I've made it. I am so, so, so hard on myself.
And as I sat on the boat thinking about my thought process it really hit me: I was still a little boy. I was a boy asking for permission from my mother for something. My internal voice? Was 10. I actually hear my voice as a little kid... and it occured to me just how often he speaks. And the response in my head? It's my mom. It was a hair-on-your-arms-standing-up moment. And for the first time ever... I was told it was OK to buy that shirt. I was good enough to buy, a fucking, shirt. A shirt that won't help my career, a shirt that won't create more art, a shirt that isn't replacing another, older shirt... this was just 'cause I liked it. I'm worth it.
So I get off the boat, go to this tiny little cove right near where the ship came in and sit on a rock. No one around. And there's no holding back. And this was very different. I mean, when I cried in #895 - it was a Journey thing. It was the beautiful story of Jess & Adam that was no longer. It was personal as well, but it was shared with someone else. This? Was allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll me. Allllllllllllllllllll my issue with self-worth, self-esteem and being the 10 year old fat kid who wanted desperately to be attractive to the girls in his class but was just the class clown. At the time girls were all I cared about (heh, the more things change...lol) but that same issue with self-worth and self-esteem carried over to my talents and my yearning to make it. And that's yet another thing people have to understand about all this... and it gets a new paragraph because of that:
This is not a story of a guy who believed his whole life and made it happen. Not at all. It's the fucking opposite. It's the story of a guy whose HEAD could see the talents his HEART was producing. His heart was completely insecure however and only logic made him pursue it. He listened to the music, after it was written and recorded, and said - "OK, this is special". He watched the 4tvs act and said: "OK, this can be more...". And every, single, step of this Journey has come the exact same way. A logical brain trying to make sense of ALLLLL of this shit that the heart kept creating. 'Cause every time the heart started to believe, it was crushed. If it wasn't for my head? I would NEVER have come out here. My heart was scared of being hurt. And when it got hurt? It ran. It hid. But, my head somehow knew that if I kept going, kept walking... the heart would keep creating. And my head was right. That knowledge, that my heart will create even if it's CRUSHED, is why May 28th happened.
And today? My heart really got it. That little boy that never thought he was good enough understood that he was. And as I sat on that rock (which unfortunately for the distance replaces "the bench" in sentamentality), it all came together.
I did it.
I'm good.