5:55 PM, Sunday, June 14th, 2009:
Well look at that. Someone flipped the script on the man that insists on writing his own. This was supposed to be about her. This was a rebranding of a city that held bad memories for Ann Walker. I had no idea that she planned to rebrand something more than her memories. She was rebranding someone who had sacrificed the finer things in life to achieve his dream, and who hadn't the slightest idea what he was missing.
If your computer can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's loaded) click the "HD" button... incredible.
It's the one slightly quirky thing about me (like you have only one Adam). I have never cared about that life. The extravagant side of things. Most people get into this business hoping to get to that point, and I'm being 100% sincere when I tell you - it just never occurs to me. I want to create better and better art, and I spend all extra money on things that will support that venture. If I were a millionaire? I'd have a better studio, better equipment. I just see no need in $100 dinners and $20 drinks.
Last night however, sitting in Paris drinking in some swanky location off the Seine River waiting for our table... I kinda got it. I just wanted the option... really bad. I didn't want it all the time, but I just felt so special. I couldn't stop smiling. Everything seemed alligned, and I just, wanted, this, option. To not even look at the price, to enjoy the finest things in the world - for the first time it registered with me. And also seemed attainable if I put my mind to it. I suddenly saw a completely different life than I've ever known. My foundation would always be in the 33 years of struggling that got me to this moment, but the building on top of that foundation was changing. I felt worth it. I've never felt worth it...
...and it's all on this site in black & white. Years of scrimping, making the absolute utmost with everything I have, stretching every dollar so far people think I must be a drug dealer to afford the things I have. Suddenly, with Comedy Central, with quitting the 9-5, with the trips this June, and with Ann Walker saying: "You deserve this...", I finally agree. I do belong. I am worth it. I deserve to experience these things, and all I need to do is believe that.
I'm ready to live. I'm ready to have these options, to make and spend this money and enjoy feeling worth it. To some of you, this must be the strangest entry ever. You see me as this incredibly narcicisstic person who thinks he's more important than anyone on the planet. And just because I joke about having no way of refuting the narcicisstic claim, doesn't mean I agree. It's just futile if people don't read the whole Journey, and I never assume anyone will. Those that do realize that it's a life's work-in-progress and this entry is another step. I'm devoted to the project and showing the transformation. I'm not sure what the end result is, but it's happening one way or another. Whether I'm a better person because of it, is in the eye of the beholder.
As is how you view this site. My idea of narcicissm? Would be no entries in June. Interesting right? The thought of that makes my stomach turn. To not share this month with those who have followed me? With those who have trudged through soooooooooo much shit? To think only of myself and just "go on vacation" and not continue to create? That would be incredibly self-centered. Several of you however, see the exact opposite. What does that say about how you feel about you? Oooooooooooooooooh. Snap.