A year ago today,
Donna walked out... alive thankfully - but gone
nonetheless. I could never have imagined the
connections I would have a year later, and that my
outlook on life would be so fundamentally changed
culminating in this entry...
After a lifetime
spent redefining roles in a relationship, my heart has
become so accustomed to it... that I embrace it.
Meaning, I'm so used to maintaining a friendship after
the "Happily Ever After" crumbles... that I'm making
connections that I know romantically won't be
forever - but the connection will be. There are women
in my life right now that I love dearly, but won't end
up with for whatever reason, and it doesn't stop us
from being so much more than friends -- even if it
actually IS just friends -- from 2500 miles away. I've
never felt more loved, satisfied or supported in my
entire life. It's a completely honest, open way of
living and because the pressure to be together forever
isn't there? Everything just floats downstream. It
isn't without some jealousies and hurt feelings, but
when communication is open? That shit is short-lived.
The end result are moments that really are a
suspension of time and wonderfully romantic. But I'm
not sure anything in my single-life will ever top
this:
***
As I watched
her look at me with complete asexuality in her
eyes, it occured to me her spirit was dead. That
spirit had transferred to her daughter whom she
clearly felt deserved "a man like me" and her
pattern of motherhood continued as she talked of
ways to set us up. I blurted out a line that 5 sips
of whiskey beforehand would have certainly stayed
in my head.
"What
about you? I'm right here."
I wasn't
hitting on this woman as much as I was holding up a
mirror to her and asking her why she didn't think
she deserved this man she continually complimented.
She stoppedin the middle of her kitchen,
dumbfounded, and tried to process what she had just
heard. She had gone so long assuming that portion
of her life was over since her husband died, that
it barely registered. I smiled and we continued to
talk.
We happened
upon a story of hers that captured my imagination.
Her husband, though wonderful and clearly "the
one" for her, ended up ruining their trip to
Paris by being in a foul mood and it stuck with her
for years. She had built up the city so much in her
heart and the memory was completely tarnished
because of how that trip turned out. My reply was
instant.
"Meet
me in Paris, we'll change
that."
If ever there
was a more symbolic sentence uttered in my life, I
don't remember it. Those seven words I said while I
looked her dead in the eyes were my way of yelling:
"WAKE UP. You are alive. Your life is what you
make it. You didn't die in that car wreck years
ago. You aren't too old to have a love affair.
Women don't become less beautiful with age, real
men know they become moreso."
I'm certain I
could've pulled a rabbit out of my left eye-socket
and still not gotten the reaction I got when she
understood I was serious. As ridiculous as it was,
she couldn't answer one thing: "Why not?". Oh she
tried. In the coming days she would make all sorts
of excuses for why not and find new and inventive
ways to talk herself out of happiness. However,
because my suggestion was so audacious, she was
faced with quite a spectacular "what-if" if she
declined to jump. So Ann Walker bought a ticket to
Paris and felt the rush of life like she hadn't in
decades. Her entire life refocused as she realized
just how damaged her spirit had been the previous
few years. Who was she to be asleep? To think she
wasn't alive? To think life wasn't what you make
it? To think that she died in that car wreck
years ago. To think she was too old to have
a love affair. Didn't she know that women become
more beautiful with age and that real men know
that?
***
The most beautiful
thing about that story to me (other than it being
completely true) is that it could never have happened
if not for this website. The Journey has made me look
at my life like an ever-changing picture book and fill
it with stories and connections that will live on
forever. Whereas most people would have burned any
picture of Donna after what happened, I couldn't if I
wanted to. Our gorgeous Central Park video is 4 clicks
away from this page... and because you can't run from
it? You have to process it. It becomes a suspended
moment in time that feels identical to when it was
first put up if you click the entry/video. It will
live forever though we did not. Ann and I will not be
building a life together. We will not be picking out
tile and talking about the grandkids (which in her
case is most certainly a present-tense activity -
HAAAAAAAAAAAA). The script is clear: She needed a
wake-up call and it came in the form of a man who
brazenly invited her to meet him in Paris and right a
wrong from her past. We will, it will be incredibly
romantic and wonderful, and we will continue on our
path soon thereafter. The connection will never go
away, even as we talk about the other people we're
seeing or the events in our lives. This will always be
a crossroads in her life - and I cannot wait to see
where it takes her.
And hey, who am I
kidding? I get to spend time with one of the sassiest,
sexiest, funniest, and now "full-of-life" women I've
ever met and be a part of what she called "the dearest
suspension of time" as we rebrand the city of Paris
learning everything we can about the other person and
celebrating our past successes and
failures.
I'm livin' this
life for now...
Congrats on the
jump Ann.
Adam
PS -
lyrics:
I've
spent a lifetime redefining love and
war,
You
watched a life pass and you stopped
lookin' for more,
And
all of that has taught us,
All
of that has caught us,
And
all of that has brought us here
today....
So
I'm just gonna live this life for
now,
The
where the when the why the
how,
'Cause
we both had lives before, and we watched
them crashin' down,
I'm
just gonna live this life for
now.
You
watched me offer you a future
memory,
I
knew "what-if" would make you jump along
with me,
And
all of this will show you,
And
all of this will grow you,
All
of this will blow your dreams
away...
So
I'm just gonna live this life for
now,
The
where the when the why the
how,
'Cause
we both had lives before, and we watched
them crashin' down,
