11:55 PM, Saturday, March 28th, 2009:
Best laid plans right? I had everything all set-up for the next several entries and I walk in the door 10 minutes ago and one act of kindness just blows that all to shit.
It capped off a pretty tremendous week that actually started getting better the second I sent the last "I'm alone" entry to everyone in the group. 'Cause everyone was so supportive? No, because 20 people promptly left the group within a day. And that beautiful piece of irony made me smile ear to ear, throw my hands up, and start to laugh. I mean, if you can't find humor in that... you're in the wrong business. Suddenly everything gained perspective, and I remembered the underlying truth to all of this: if you want to be that interesting guy who is "always on stage" trying to fulfill his childhood dreams for this long? Instability and loneliness will be part of the bargain more often than not. It was and is my choice. I've been lonely with a wife laying next to me more times than I care to admit so at some point you just have to realize that part of you is and always will be a loner and embrace it...
...and no sooner do I embrace it - notes trickle in from people that remind me that virtually speaking, I will never be alone. Distance can't break energy. Love can cross galaxies 'cause it's a mutual feeling. I thanked everyone individually and I'm certain I've never been more sincere than in response to the words I received. Support is so crucial to happiness. You know? I mean I do all I can to prove that wrong (my ratio of production to support for said production can attest) but I never said I was happy. I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was to do the "Young & The Restless" bit on CBS and not get one word of support from CBS when it aired. I mean, I'm a fuckton proud of it no matter what anyone says (how on earth I did that in 48 hours from writing to completion still baffles me), but I was devastated that no one even batted an eye at it. Support is simply crucial to happiness.
So although my twisted sense of humor jump-started me out of my funk, so many kind words, phone calls and visits really, really, really helped. I'm human... oh jesus... I almost said the line without realizing it was a song lyric. Ha. "I am human and I need to be loved... just like anybody else does." Seriously, I was gonna type that whole thing. The Smiths took it from me.
And of course, this precious card. It's so funny, I somehow missed it laying there all day (kept going out the back door) and when I walked in, I looked down... then ran past it and grabbed my camera. HA. I had no idea what to expect, but knew it would probably be worth recording. It was.
If your computer can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's loaded) click the "HD" button... incredible.
I think what touches me more than anything is that there really is a reward for decency. When you treat people with love and respect and you go through the struggle of finding ways to keep connections, even when things don't work out as originally planned, everyone wins. Everyone. The woman who sent me that card (not that there's any CLUES or anything in the video - LOL) will always be special to me, always hold a place in my heart, and we both know we aren't ending up together. Had it been any other man but me, I can assure you continuing to be connected would be the last thing she would do. As is almost anyone whose had to stop a romance. But I just don't operate like that. I don't believe connections expire simply because we categorized them wrong in the beginning when we didn't know any better. If both people are honest and loving? The connection simply gets seen under a different light. It's why I still love Burg, Jess & Donna and continue to work to maintain those relationships. They are part of my journey. I wouldn't be who I am today if not for them. They will always be special just as I feel anyone who returns love and respect to me is special.
That card was possible because we both chose to find a common path where we could help each other and we continue to do so. It was also an incredible piece of "Journey Timing" for sure. I certainly don't mean to lessen anyone else's support by highlighting one so emphatically but sometimes the video and entry just come together and you can't deny the kismet.
That's a band name. No, not just "The Kismet", but "Deny The Kismet".
Anyway, the entry I was going to post today will be up sometime tomorrow afternoon. And again, thank you.