9:13 PM, Wednesday, March 25th, 2009:
I'm safe.
I'm inside this little invisible 850 pixel-width box and since I'm not wearing my "editor" cap yet - I can believe this is just for me. When it's done of course I will have to make the entry bar and do all the technical crap to make it public to fulfill some promise I made nearly a decade ago to... myself really. But right now, I can be safe and speak my mind.
I had an out-of-body experience the other night. I think many songwriters can relate to this. You feel uneasy, you're emotional - but not in an obvious way, and you sit before your instrument and music comes out. If you happen to also be a singer-songwriter, sometimes, words come out that match those melodies but have no congruent thought... they just "are". Usually, you force them into their box, but this time I decided to just let it flow. The melody was haunting me, and it, like all "Journey Songs", was the moment.
If your computer can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's loaded) click the "HD" button... incredible.
What you get is who I am, unfiltered. And suddenly I am no longer that man in the video, I am the viewer, like you - who has followed and rooted for him for years. Though I never intended all the symbolism, it is dripping out of this video. Especially after you read "Death of a Promoter". A completely vulnerable man, naked, with a spotlight an inch from his face. Yet, his eyes never wince. He's so used to it he doesn't even know that he's perilously close to burning his cheek. But, it does effect him. He's sad. He's angry. He's hurt. He still hits the right notes, sings the right melody... but it's almost on auto-pilot. Each line, though random amongst the rest, mean something. "T" is somebody. "I haven't got the time" is something. He sings it once in a low register - then screams out an octave higher... and then seemingly the video starts over, but there are different lyrics. The speed is slightly too fast which feels uncomfortable... which you would think is the point - but since I know the guy who did this I can tell you that it was not my intention. I just sat at the piano and recorded those moments. But what a story those eyes tell. There is such a deep sadness in his eyes that it can be hard to look at.
Before I even studied the video I uploaded a pic to my Facebook profile- 'cause I liked the lighting. Absolutely no effects on it, just the lighting at the time.. It wasn't until I saw it as my profile I was stunned. I wasn't sad while I was recording this. At least I didn't think I was. I thought my mind was concentrating on the chords/melody and just ad-libbing the lyrics....
But nearly every still showed this calm, serene... and absolutely beaten man. I haven't seen my eyes look like this in 7 years. Have you ever seen a pic say "hug me" more in your life? I mean, I know it's actually me - LOL - but when I look at it, I'm completely disconnected from it. I become a reader the second it's uploaded. It's spooky.
A new reader asked me:  "Is this a site about depression" (presumably because I mention I'm fighting it in the first entry she read), and my initial laugh gave way to a deep introspection. 'Cause it's hard to say that her assessment, even on 1 entry, isn't true. Take out 1 year? This is a chronicle of failure after failure, divorce after divorce, fighting and fighting and fighting... and at the end of the day your "friends" still tell you to fuck off when you ask for support. So what you realize in the midst of this, when you take a look at yourself is the sadness has crept in and overtaken you. It's what happens to you while you're busy making other plans as Mr. Lennon said. I'm doing all the right actions, I'm making allt he right moves career-wise and my soul is slowly fading. It's frightening as hell and that's why I couldn't wait to get to this entry, where I feel safe, and just cry. Just admit how hurt I am. Admit how much I don't believe at this moment. Admit that although every goddamn A&E biography of some celebrity includes a quote with them saying:  "but I always believed it would happen"... I don't. I have been to the bottom, and no, I DON'T always believe it will happen. And once you let your wife go back to Ohio? You start to wonder if even happiness it a reasonable goal.
And for the people JUST starting to follow this... wow - you sure did pick a time right? Though I've always secretly thought that these times are far more entertaining to the reader. When I was at CBS, there was nothing more boring than an Egos entry. I know as a "Re-reader" I love delving into the hard times. Donna at a mental institution, losing Jess, losing Up & Adam... that's where the "real" you comes out. So the real me is?
Alone. Just no other way to put it. My family is on the other side of the country. My best friend was Jessica, and she is gone. I have people around me that do care about me... but they all have deeper connections with others and mine are simply not here. Being single is one thing, I actually like having my own space - house to myself, but being truly alone? It starts to eat at you. All of my rationalization has now run out. Since CBS ended in September 2007, I was able to float on fumes a long time. I pushed and pushed (and continue to push) every possible avenue to get back to that level... but to this point, none have panned out. In that time I've gone through a divorce of unequaled pain with Donna. I still don't know if I'll ever fully heal from watching her taken away at the mental hospital. And although she's doing better now? Our relationship is completely hollow. I'm just another chapter in her life as she focuses inward to continue her healing process.
And as you saw 2 entries ago, getting "punk'd" by "friends" was simply the last straw. Then, throw in the announcement next Tuesday which involves delving even deeper into this whole project and godddddddddamn. Adam needs a break. And I absolutely mean that both ways. Career-wise and just life-wise. This pattern has to end...