I'm inside this
little invisible 850 pixel-width box and since I'm not
wearing my "editor" cap yet - I can believe this is
just for me. When it's done of course I will have
to make the entry bar and do all the technical crap to
make it public to fulfill some promise I made
nearly a decade ago to... myself really. But right
now, I can be safe and speak my mind.
I had an
out-of-body experience the other night. I think
many songwriters can relate to this. You feel uneasy,
you're emotional - but not in an obvious way, and you
sit before your instrument and music comes out. If you
happen to also be a singer-songwriter, sometimes,
words come out that match those melodies but have no
congruent thought... they just "are". Usually, you
force them into their box, but this time I decided to
just let it flow. The melody was haunting me, and it,
like all "Journey Songs", was the moment.
If your computer
can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's
loaded) click the "HD" button...
incredible.
What you get is
who I am, unfiltered. And suddenly I am no longer that
man in the video, I am the viewer, like you - who has
followed and rooted for him for years. Though I never
intended all the symbolism, it is dripping out of this
video. Especially after you read "Death of a
Promoter". A completely vulnerable man, naked, with a
spotlight an inch from his face. Yet, his eyes never
wince. He's so used to it he doesn't even know that
he's perilously close to burning his cheek. But, it
does effect him. He's sad. He's angry. He's hurt. He
still hits the right notes, sings the right melody...
but it's almost on auto-pilot. Each line, though
random amongst the rest, mean something. "T" is
somebody. "I haven't got the time" is
something. He sings it once in a low register -
then screams out an octave higher... and then
seemingly the video starts over, but there are
different lyrics. The speed is slightly too fast which
feels uncomfortable... which you would think is the
point - but since I know the guy who did this I can
tell you that it was not my intention. I just sat
at the piano and recorded those moments. But what a
story those eyes tell. There is such a deep sadness in
his eyes that it can be hard to look at.
Before
I even studied the video I uploaded a pic
to my Facebook profile- 'cause I liked the
lighting. Absolutely no effects on it,
just the lighting at the time.. It wasn't
until I saw it as my profile I was
stunned. I wasn't sad while I was
recording this. At least I didn't think I
was. I thought my mind was
concentrating on the chords/melody and
just ad-libbing the lyrics....
But
nearly every still showed this calm,
serene... and absolutely beaten man. I
haven't seen my eyes look like this in 7
years. Have you ever seen a pic say "hug
me" more in your life? I mean, I know
it's actually me - LOL - but when I look
at it, I'm completely disconnected from
it. I become a reader the second it's
uploaded. It's spooky.
A new
reader asked me: "Is this a site
about depression" (presumably because I
mention I'm fighting it in the first entry
she read), and my initial laugh gave way
to a deep introspection. 'Cause it's hard
to say that her assessment, even on 1
entry, isn't true. Take out 1 year? This
is a chronicle of failure after failure,
divorce after divorce, fighting and
fighting and fighting... and at the end of
the day your "friends" still tell you to
fuck off when you ask for support. So what
you realize in the midst of this, when you
take a look at yourself is the sadness has
crept in and overtaken you. It's what
happens to you while you're busy making
other plans as Mr. Lennon said. I'm doing
all the right actions, I'm making allt he
right moves career-wise and my soul is
slowly fading. It's frightening as hell
and that's why I couldn't wait to get to
this entry, where I feel safe, and just
cry. Just admit how hurt I am. Admit how
much I don't believe at this moment. Admit
that although every goddamn A&E
biography of some celebrity includes a
quote with them saying: "but I
always believed it would happen"... I
don't. I have been to the bottom,
and no, I DON'T always believe it
will happen. And once you let your wife go
back to Ohio? You start to wonder if even
happiness it a reasonable
goal.
And for the people
JUST starting to follow this... wow - you sure did
pick a time right? Though I've always secretly thought
that these times are far more entertaining to the
reader. When I was at CBS, there was nothing more
boring than an Egos entry. I know as a
"Re-reader" I love delving into the hard times. Donna
at a mental institution, losing Jess, losing Up &
Adam... that's where the "real" you comes out. So
the real me is?
Alone. Just no
other way to put it. My family is on the other side of
the country. My best friend was Jessica, and she is
gone. I have people around me that do care about me...
but they all have deeper connections with others and
mine are simply not here. Being single is one thing, I
actually like having my own space - house to myself,
but being truly alone? It starts to eat at you. All of
my rationalization has now run out. Since
CBS ended in September 2007, I was able to float
on fumes a long time. I pushed and pushed (and
continue to push) every possible avenue to get back to
that level... but to this point, none have panned out.
In that time I've gone through a divorce of unequaled
pain with Donna. I still don't know if I'll ever fully
heal from watching her taken away at the mental
hospital. And although she's doing better now? Our
relationship is completely hollow. I'm just another
chapter in her life as she focuses inward to continue
her healing process.
And as you saw 2
entries ago, getting "punk'd" by "friends" was
simply the last straw. Then, throw in the announcement
next Tuesday which involves delving even deeper into
this whole project and godddddddddamn. Adam needs a
break. And I absolutely mean that both ways.
Career-wise and just life-wise. This pattern has to
end...
