Goddddddddddamn
I want so badly to lock this and go all apeshit
on a couple of people so I can get it out of my
system. Can't even express how badly I want to do
that. However that's too selfish right now and I can
actually use this as an opportunity to communicate
with a lot of new people about what The Journey is all
about...
If your computer
can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's
loaded) click the "HD" button...
incredible.
Heh, I love
that re-using a video from 2006 in Entry #865 lead to
this. Every once and awhile you just have to vent to a
camera. Ironically that VIDEO is probably the
worst way to introduce people to the "World's Longest
Running Vide Blog" because I never do "talk to
the camera" videos. Literally maybe 4 in 10
years. Those bore the hell out of me. Anyway - in the
next entry there's gonna be an introduction for the
new Facebook Journey Group where I'll get into all of
that. For now, I need to lose my shit a
little.
You are watching a
man who is fighting depression every second of the
day. He can feel it coming, it's enveloping him but
he's yelling at it demanding it stay at bay. He is
working 17-18 hour days to get out of it. He's losing
his shit. He's having to humble himself even more (as
if The Journey isn't vulnerable enough with every last
failure shown in excruciating detail) by asking people
to join his "Group" or to click a video. All the
while getting attitude from people he's known for
DECADES. And who in a last ditch effort to not use the
excuse "they must be jealous" is going to humble
himself again to explain just how difficult this is
for me.
To understand The
Journey, you have to understand just how fragile it
is. On the surface it seems anything but, I know,
but don't mistake my ability to document it with
pretty colors and packaged videos with strength. You
have to equate it with your own biggest
fear/secret/issue. Every entry is literally like
telling a complete stranger "I Love You"... and
waiting for their response. It is as naked and raw as
I ever am and it is so incredibly dificult at
times to do it publically I have to psyche myself
out just to hit "upload". Yes, it can be therapeutic -
but it is oftentimes far too personal and I can barely
read/watch some of the old entries.
So can you imagine
what it must feel like to ASK someone to read or watch
a video? I mean, if it's Aunt Jemima - big whoop.
It's funny. They laugh or they don't laugh. But the
personal shit? I still have to email everyone.
I still have to be a promoter and if someone
responds with: "unsubscribe" or "i don't fucking
care"... it hurts. Or if, I don't know, you make
a Facebook group so you no longer have to email people
and they can just join it - and people you've known
for years treat you like hitting "Join" is akin to
handing you $1000... or they simply ignore you? It not
only hurts, but it makes you start to wonder who the
fuck your friends are - and the isolation becomes
unbearable. And then the daughtersofbitches who call
you "LA" because you promote yourself... too
well? Seriously? I'm so desperately spinning to get
back what I had and you have the audacity to doubt my
sincerity because I don't get my email list at a
LIVE SHOW where they jot it down on a notebook...
I add people on a social networking site? That
makes me 'L' fucking 'A'? A term that I have to
deal with on a daily basis because I have to
interract with people that could give two shits about
you unless you can help THEM? When I base my
entire life on MY WORD and my SINCERITY and my
HONESTY and write ad nauseum about how much
I cannot stand troubling someone to even read an
email unless that person is my FATHER?
(ahem)
So asking people
to join this Facebook group has been so humiliating.
So difficult. It's also incredibly schizophrenic. As
bad as I feel about actually IMing someone the
link to click it... I'm just as flabbergasted when
they don't. You know? Like... really? 2 button clicks?
One for the link, one for join... maybe 3 seconds of
your life? 5 on dial-up? I'm just baffled. And these
aren't strangers... these are people I know. These are
people I've personally mentioned on the site, helped
promote, cheered for, rooted for... it takes the
initial apprehension and adds in the grade school
"getting picked last for teams" bullshit. Multiply
that a few hundred times, throw in Facebook warning
you for adding people
THAT ARE IN YOUR OWN GROUP -
yet them NOT responding to emails asking
WHY THE HELL THAT'S A BAD THING...
well then you have this entry, this video, and this
rant.
And my ass going
to some other country, at some point this year,
because if I don't go lose myself in a foreign
land and get out of this never-ending promotion
bullshit I'm really gonna implode. People keep saying
"well just stop for a bit..." and the thing is -
that's not The Journey. When I have no direction?
Then yes, I'm forced to chill... but I have direction
now, I understand what I need to do - and
have been doing it non-stop, no breaks for close to a
year now and have NOTHING career wise to show for
it. I'm still at the 9-5 (which I am thankful for
to all those unemployed right now) but the amount I am
underachieving seems to grow exponentially by the
entry. Some shit needs to happen. Soon.
OK, expect an
entry tomorrow announcing The Journey Group on
Facebook, what it's gonna mean, and a new spotlight on
"The Journey Players". Something I haven't been able
to do since 2006.
