3:23 PM, Saturday, March 21st, 2009:
Goddddddddddamn I want so badly to lock this and go all apeshit on a couple of people so I can get it out of my system. Can't even express how badly I want to do that. However that's too selfish right now and I can actually use this as an opportunity to communicate with a lot of new people about what The Journey is all about...
If your computer can handle it (meaning it doesn't stutter once it's loaded) click the "HD" button... incredible.
Heh, I love that re-using a video from 2006 in Entry #865 lead to this. Every once and awhile you just have to vent to a camera. Ironically that VIDEO is probably the worst way to introduce people to the "World's Longest Running Vide Blog" because I never do "talk to the camera" videos. Literally maybe 4 in 10 years. Those bore the hell out of me. Anyway - in the next entry there's gonna be an introduction for the new Facebook Journey Group where I'll get into all of that. For now, I need to lose my shit a little.
You are watching a man who is fighting depression every second of the day. He can feel it coming, it's enveloping him but he's yelling at it demanding it stay at bay. He is working 17-18 hour days to get out of it. He's losing his shit. He's having to humble himself even more (as if The Journey isn't vulnerable enough with every last failure shown in excruciating detail) by asking people to join his "Group" or to click a video. All the while getting attitude from people he's known for DECADES. And who in a last ditch effort to not use the excuse "they must be jealous" is going to humble himself again to explain just how difficult this is for me.
To understand The Journey, you have to understand just how fragile it is. On the surface it seems anything but, I know, but don't mistake my ability to document it with pretty colors and packaged videos with strength. You have to equate it with your own biggest fear/secret/issue. Every entry is literally like telling a complete stranger "I Love You"... and waiting for their response. It is as naked and raw as I ever am and it is so incredibly dificult at times to do it publically I have to psyche myself out just to hit "upload". Yes, it can be therapeutic - but it is oftentimes far too personal and I can barely read/watch some of the old entries.
So can you imagine what it must feel like to ASK someone to read or watch a video? I mean, if it's Aunt Jemima - big whoop. It's funny. They laugh or they don't laugh. But the personal shit? I still have to email everyone. I still have to be a promoter and if someone responds with: "unsubscribe" or "i don't fucking care"... it hurts. Or if, I don't know, you make a Facebook group so you no longer have to email people and they can just join it - and people you've known for years treat you like hitting "Join" is akin to handing you $1000... or they simply ignore you? It not only hurts, but it makes you start to wonder who the fuck your friends are - and the isolation becomes unbearable. And then the daughtersofbitches who call you "LA" because you promote yourself... too well? Seriously? I'm so desperately spinning to get back what I had and you have the audacity to doubt my sincerity because I don't get my email list at a LIVE SHOW where they jot it down on a notebook... I add people on a social networking site? That makes me 'L' fucking 'A'? A term that I have to deal with on a daily basis because I have to interract with people that could give two shits about you unless you can help THEM? When I base my entire life on MY WORD and my SINCERITY and my HONESTY and write ad nauseum about how much I cannot stand troubling someone to even read an email unless that person is my FATHER?
So asking people to join this Facebook group has been so humiliating. So difficult. It's also incredibly schizophrenic. As bad as I feel about actually IMing someone the link to click it... I'm just as flabbergasted when they don't. You know? Like... really? 2 button clicks? One for the link, one for join... maybe 3 seconds of your life? 5 on dial-up? I'm just baffled. And these aren't strangers... these are people I know. These are people I've personally mentioned on the site, helped promote, cheered for, rooted for... it takes the initial apprehension and adds in the grade school "getting picked last for teams" bullshit. Multiply that a few hundred times, throw in Facebook warning you for adding people THAT ARE IN YOUR OWN GROUP - yet them NOT responding to emails asking WHY THE HELL THAT'S A BAD THING... well then you have this entry, this video, and this rant.
And my ass going to some other country, at some point this year, because if I don't go lose myself in a foreign land and get out of this never-ending promotion bullshit I'm really gonna implode. People keep saying "well just stop for a bit..." and the thing is - that's not The Journey. When I have no direction? Then yes, I'm forced to chill... but I have direction now, I understand what I need to do - and have been doing it non-stop, no breaks for close to a year now and have NOTHING career wise to show for it. I'm still at the 9-5 (which I am thankful for to all those unemployed right now) but the amount I am underachieving seems to grow exponentially by the entry. Some shit needs to happen. Soon.
OK, expect an entry tomorrow announcing The Journey Group on Facebook, what it's gonna mean, and a new spotlight on "The Journey Players". Something I haven't been able to do since 2006.