(If your computer can handle
it please click this YouTube
linkand 'Watch in HD'. It's
Incredible.)
...
12:43 AM, Friday,
February 13th, 2009:
I've been working
on this entry for several weeks not knowing exactly
what to say. I try to always document anything
that I feel "changes" me - and there are
certain things you simply need more perspective on
before you really know. This week, after several more
dreams, I had no choice but to admit this was
effecting me greatly and after the events of tonight
it's just become too much.
I devoted an
entry last October to a girl I had grown quite fond
of, the feelings were more than mutual, but
I just wasn't ready. She lived in NY, I was
still so burnt from Donna and the thought of a
relationship over the phone was just too difficult. We
spent time together both in LA and in NY when
I went out for the debates and though I had
a wonderful time... I just wasn't ready. She knew
this, but I knew she had feelings too. She wanted
to move out to LA for her make-up career and of
course if that were to happen - who knows. But that
was months if not years off and I just couldn't make
that committment.
As the days/weeks
passed after I came back to LA - we definitely kept in
touch. I gave her my still camera so she could
get her portfolio together, so it was fun seeing all
her pictures pop-up on Facebook. I even
introduced her to Vinnie Favale (head of latenight at
CBS) and was able to line-up some work for her and
they both hit it off. It was nice to build a
foundation of freindship even though it couldn't be
more...
...so
I thought. On Christmas in the midst of the
insanity I was going through at the time -
I left her a message just seein' how she was and
she never called back. I was busy, but it seemed
strange. Then I got the most generic email from
her:
Hey
Adam,
and
Merry Christmas!
It was
difficult and sad for me to move on, as you
know, but I have now.
You
are so great and I wish you all wonderful
things this New Year.
Be
Well.
Literally like
I barely knew her. We spent a lot of time
together in LA and NY and this was just...
bizarre. I let it go for a week or so - and then
just emailed and asked what was up? Why couldn't we be
friends?
Was promptly
deleted from Facebook, blocked everywhere else - and
never heard from her again.
I kinda just let
it go - I had other things to deal with,
I was only interested in her as a friend... and
she clearly wasn't treating me like one. But what got
to me was... there was never bad blood. No one
"Wronged" anyone - she completely understood why
I couldn't make a committment from 3000 miles
away. I was always honest with her... it just
ended. I wrote 3, maybe 4 emails simply asking
for one sentence: "Adam, it's just too hard for
me to be friends, please respect that..."
I would've had no problem with that. But the
abruptness, when we had talked several times a week up
until the first week of December... was something
(believe it or not) I have never dealt with
in my 33 years.
Yeah, that's right
- no one has ever done that to me. I let it go...
but every once and awhile I'd have some nightmare and
I'd find myself wondering "Man, what the hell
happened?" during the day. The lack of closure was
making me batty. Again, there was no bad blood - even
in that last email (though generic and almost robotic)
it was pleasant. Positive.
I saw her
jump online a few times and I'd say a few things until
she systematically blocked me from all forms of IM
with absolutely no explanation. And as the weeks
turned into nearly two months something occured to me:
I've finally found my achilles heel. I never
thought I had one this intense, but I most
certainly do:
I don't care
if you're my mailman... if we have any sort of
relationship and for whatever reason you want to
completely disrupt my life? Don't say one word to me.
If you see me, turn around, walk away. If I write
you, delete it. Because even though at some point I'll
think: "Christ, he's just my mailman, big deal..." the
insanity of that will eat at me forrrrrrrrrrrrrever.
My mind will constantly loop over every second we ever
spent together trying to figure out what
I could've possibly done to deserve no
explanation. And even when my conscious mind stops?
It'll fuck with my dreams. It will just always make me
feel unsettled.
Now make it
someone you actually really care about? Someone you
really fell for, introduced to people in your life,
someone you gave a
WAY TOO EXPENSIVE CAMERA TO and
EVERY OTHER PERSON YOU KNOW has
yelled at you because
THEY SURE COULD'VE USED IT and
they would still SPEAK TO YOU (lol)... it
gets really fucked. Pat told me he had a similar
situation and he later talked to the girl (years
later) and she just said that had she not cut it off
like that, she couldn't have moved on. I accepted
that. That made sense to me. I started to let it
all go...
...then
of course tonight's crash. And my thoughts
instantly go to the people in the area
that I know. You fly out of JFK, La
Guardia or Newark when you leave NY and
I sat there thinking: "I get to
just sit and wonder..." And why do
I just sit and wonder? Because I
wasn't nice to her? Because I lied to
her in any way? Because I wasn't a
friend? Nope. Because my hair is brown.
That's as good a guess as any because she
won't respond to anything.
Now, I'm old
enough to realize that this is clearly someone
with some intense issues that would make a very, very
poor friend to say the least. I couldn't even treat
the people that KILLED MY DOG like that.
Even they were owed an explanation. And again, every
single action was positive on my part and this is
utterly out of the blue. So the flags couldn't be any
more red - and seriously, thatnk the fuck christ
I won't be wasting anymore time on the
situation...
...but as
I described above - this falls into this
quasi-uncontrollable category in my soul because of
the need to figure out the puzzle. It was much the
same with Donna --though she never pulled this 8 year
old shit. Donna made me batty for a couple months
because the pieces didn't fit and then
FINALLY she wrote me an apology that instantly
put my brain back together and I could get some
sleep. So although consciously I threw my hands
up over a month ago... I guess I'm just gonna have to
live with the bizarre dreams and constant wondering of
what the hell happened. And for the conspiracy
theorists out there - I have seen her comment on
mutual friend's pages so she is still alive. And...
well - I'll know pretty quickly if by some
astronomical chance she was on that plane. I'm sure
she wasn't but you know how you have that need to make
sure the people you care about are alright? It's like
my mom calling me whenever there's a fire in...
CALIFORNIA. Ha. You just kinda need to settle your
mind sometimes.
And I guess
I have several more sleepless nights ahead of me
until my heart finally catches up with my head and
says: "Anyone that inconsiderate is the exact type of
crazy you can't even be friends with..." Man, the
single life is looking better and better. Dating here
and there but... dealing with that gender for an
extended period of time? Sheeeeeeeeeeit.
<thinks
about it for a second>
Yeah, my heart
still believes the right person will make me forget
everything I just wrote.
