(If your computer can handle it please click this YouTube link and 'Watch in HD'. It's Incredible.)
12:43 AM, Friday, February 13th, 2009:
I've been working on this entry for several weeks not knowing exactly what to say. I try to always document anything that I feel "changes" me - and there are certain things you simply need more perspective on before you really know. This week, after several more dreams, I had no choice but to admit this was effecting me greatly and after the events of tonight it's just become too much.
I devoted an entry last October to a girl I had grown quite fond of, the feelings were more than mutual, but I just wasn't ready. She lived in NY, I was still so burnt from Donna and the thought of a relationship over the phone was just too difficult. We spent time together both in LA and in NY when I went out for the debates and though I had a wonderful time... I just wasn't ready. She knew this, but I knew she had feelings too. She wanted to move out to LA for her make-up career and of course if that were to happen - who knows. But that was months if not years off and I just couldn't make that committment.
As the days/weeks passed after I came back to LA - we definitely kept in touch. I gave her my still camera so she could get her portfolio together, so it was fun seeing all her pictures pop-up on Facebook. I even introduced her to Vinnie Favale (head of latenight at CBS) and was able to line-up some work for her and they both hit it off. It was nice to build a foundation of freindship even though it couldn't be more...
...so I thought. On Christmas in the midst of the insanity I was going through at the time - I left her a message just seein' how she was and she never called back. I was busy, but it seemed strange. Then I got the most generic email from her:
Hey Adam,
and Merry Christmas!
It was difficult and sad for me to move on, as you know, but I have now.
You are so great and I wish you all wonderful things this New Year.
Be Well.
Literally like I barely knew her. We spent a lot of time together in LA and NY and this was just... bizarre. I let it go for a week or so - and then just emailed and asked what was up? Why couldn't we be friends?
Was promptly deleted from Facebook, blocked everywhere else - and never heard from her again.
I kinda just let it go - I had other things to deal with, I was only interested in her as a friend... and she clearly wasn't treating me like one. But what got to me was... there was never bad blood. No one "Wronged" anyone - she completely understood why I couldn't make a committment from 3000 miles away. I was always honest with her... it just ended. I wrote 3, maybe 4 emails simply asking for one sentence:  "Adam, it's just too hard for me to be friends, please respect that..." I would've had no problem with that. But the abruptness, when we had talked several times a week up until the first week of December... was something (believe it or not) I have never dealt with in my 33 years.
Yeah, that's right - no one has ever done that to me. I let it go... but every once and awhile I'd have some nightmare and I'd find myself wondering "Man, what the hell happened?" during the day. The lack of closure was making me batty. Again, there was no bad blood - even in that last email (though generic and almost robotic) it was pleasant. Positive.
I saw her jump online a few times and I'd say a few things until she systematically blocked me from all forms of IM with absolutely no explanation. And as the weeks turned into nearly two months something occured to me: I've finally found my achilles heel. I never thought I had one this intense, but I most certainly do:
I don't care if you're my mailman... if we have any sort of relationship and for whatever reason you want to completely disrupt my life? Don't say one word to me. If you see me, turn around, walk away. If I write you, delete it. Because even though at some point I'll think: "Christ, he's just my mailman, big deal..." the insanity of that will eat at me forrrrrrrrrrrrrever. My mind will constantly loop over every second we ever spent together trying to figure out what I could've possibly done to deserve no explanation. And even when my conscious mind stops? It'll fuck with my dreams. It will just always make me feel unsettled.
Now make it someone you actually really care about? Someone you really fell for, introduced to people in your life, someone you gave a WAY TOO EXPENSIVE CAMERA TO and EVERY OTHER PERSON YOU KNOW has yelled at you because THEY SURE COULD'VE USED IT and they would still SPEAK TO YOU (lol)... it gets really fucked. Pat told me he had a similar situation and he later talked to the girl (years later) and she just said that had she not cut it off like that, she couldn't have moved on. I accepted that. That made sense to me. I started to let it all go...
...then of course tonight's crash. And my thoughts instantly go to the people in the area that I know. You fly out of JFK, La Guardia or Newark when you leave NY and I sat there thinking:  "I get to just sit and wonder..." And why do I just sit and wonder? Because I wasn't nice to her? Because I lied to her in any way? Because I wasn't a friend? Nope. Because my hair is brown. That's as good a guess as any because she won't respond to anything.
Now, I'm old enough to realize that this is clearly someone with some intense issues that would make a very, very poor friend to say the least. I couldn't even treat the people that KILLED MY DOG like that. Even they were owed an explanation. And again, every single action was positive on my part and this is utterly out of the blue. So the flags couldn't be any more red - and seriously, thatnk the fuck christ I won't be wasting anymore time on the situation...
...but as I described above - this falls into this quasi-uncontrollable category in my soul because of the need to figure out the puzzle. It was much the same with Donna --though she never pulled this 8 year old shit. Donna made me batty for a couple months because the pieces didn't fit and then FINALLY she wrote me an apology that instantly put my brain back together and I could get some sleep. So although consciously I threw my hands up over a month ago... I guess I'm just gonna have to live with the bizarre dreams and constant wondering of what the hell happened. And for the conspiracy theorists out there - I have seen her comment on mutual friend's pages so she is still alive. And... well - I'll know pretty quickly if by some astronomical chance she was on that plane. I'm sure she wasn't but you know how you have that need to make sure the people you care about are alright? It's like my mom calling me whenever there's a fire in... CALIFORNIA. Ha. You just kinda need to settle your mind sometimes.
And I guess I have several more sleepless nights ahead of me until my heart finally catches up with my head and says: "Anyone that inconsiderate is the exact type of crazy you can't even be friends with..." Man, the single life is looking better and better. Dating here and there but... dealing with that gender for an extended period of time? Sheeeeeeeeeeit.
<thinks about it for a second>
Yeah, my heart still believes the right person will make me forget everything I just wrote.