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unlocked 01.09.09
1:25 PM, Tuesday, January 6th, 2009:
I remember the moment I understood the chorus to the Lenny Kravitz' song "Can't Say No" like it was yesterday. One word came to mind: "Pimp." The line is: "If you can't say no, just think about me" meaning, if you have to sleep with someone else, think of me during it. The bravado of: "Yo babe, I can't be everywhere at once, so I'm gonna cockblock the dude mentally no matter what he may think he's doing physically." is amazing. It's a confidence I've never had, and I've certainly never been in a situation to actually say that to someone...
...but leave it to me to find that situation and have it NOT be pimp in the least. I'd find a way to say it with a meaning of desperate longing to be close to someone but understanding it just isn't possible and hoping I can have some lasting effect on them. It's a line filled with sadness and desperation and explains why I can rarely get out of a relationship without a lifetime commitment: I see things through to the end. Even when I've SEEN it through to the end, I still try and throw paint on the situation to leave some sort of positive mark. Even when I try to be Lenny... I just end up being Squiggy. <---genius line. Stand and applaud. :-)
So clearly, I met the woman I wasn't going to meet. To our credit we waited until the very end of the trip and at that point figured: "why not". The moment was actually more dramatic than I imagined and so "out-of-a-movie" I'm cautious to describe the scene for fear of it being copied. It's a short-film no doubt... Anyway - the result of the meeting was exactly as we both thought and feared it would be. We clearly get along, clearly have a pretty deep connection with several shared experiences and understanding of each others' issues and we haven't the slightest idea what comes next. Logistically speaking? We just move on. We remain friends and just see other people and live our lives -- happy we at least have someone to talk to that gets us on such a level... but all dramatic "moving across the country" scenarios likely will not play out. Rather anti-journey isn't it? I mean, I don't KNOW those scenarios won't play out, but things are different when you own a house or in her case actually have an established career with several nearly decade long clients. It's so hard to even begin to embrace something that at best would require a complete upheaval of lives just to co-exist. Relationships are already hard but starting with that kind of baggage is almost too much. Time will tell.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is The Journey. Shades of gray that remind you you're too damn old to believe in black and white. Or pink for that matter. I mean good fuck - look at that Barbie bathroom. Seriously? I know a man is smart to keep his hands off 3 rooms in a house when living with a woman: bathroom, bedroom and kitchen... but that color pink makes it difficult to even shit. LOL. I feel like I'm staining the sanctity of the room just by walking in there. Classic.
I guess it all just adds to the colorfulness of my life...