(If your computer can handle it please click this YouTube link and 'Watch in HD'. It's Incredible.)
unlocked 01.09.09
10:40 AM, Friday, January 2nd, 2009:
What an incredible trip back to Columbus. I will be leaving here with a feeling of complete positivity, certain that I've not only healed myself - but have helped others do the same. I can't remember a time where I felt so good about how well I've been HEARD. You know? There seems to be no lack of communication, everyone I meet seems to understand where I'm at, what I'm going through - and no one is being disrespectful of my time, space and heart. I honestly can't believe it. I want so desperately to be able to put some universal truth in this entry as to why things are working out like this, but I just don't have the distance to process it all. I just know it feels incredible and is absolutely why striving to be honest has such incredible rewards. I'll be the first to admit I stumble with honesty in matters of the heart because I want so badly NOT to hurt someone's feelings, but it blows my mind how foolish that can be. Honesty always wins.
There's been an incredible theme to nearly every day I've spent here in Columbus and that's: responsibility & accountability. Every person I've spent time with is dealing with some form of those two words, be it taking care of kids, taking care of parents, working through issues - and they're all fighting the good fight! It has filled me with such inspiration for human kind. I mean that's the part Donna ripped from me when she chose to run: the belief that anyone actually sticks around and takes care of their shit. Maybe it's a mid-west thing? Maybe that's why I've connected so deeply with someone from so far away (we still haven't met believe it or not). And man, I just love hanging around people that take care of their shit! GOD. THOSE are the people you want to help. You know? I feel like I'm watching people try and put up the side of a barn or some shit, and they believe INTENTLY they can do it. They're struggling, but it's happening. I'm so happy to run up and help them push. They're not sitting on their asses looking at it on the ground and kicking it... they're like: "fuck it, we got this".
And amidst that sense of responsibility and accountability is most certainly doubt. The doubt that they'll never have help. That they'll never find someone who gets them. And of course the one person who does lives on the other side of the country. But guess what doesn't matter? The ending. Hear me out here: The fact that I may or may not be the right person, doesn't change the fact that I'm an example of positivity that proves the idea even exists. Proves there are men who take care of their shit, just as I'm seeing that there are women that do the exact same thing. I'm realizing that influence doesn't always have to be for life to be life changing. Just the belief that it exists really does change everything. Knowing you're not alone in the world can be so transformative... even knowing there will be no white picket fence. It's just been wonderful.
The video is from New Year's Eve where I was invited to sing "Danny Boy" with Hilda Doyle's band "The Ladies of Longford". I went to high school with her daughter, Stephanie, and their band is abso-fuggin-lutely incredible. A mix of Celtic music with a bunch of stuff thrown in and seriously some of the best musicians I've ever seen. Not for Columbus, I mean ever. So much energy, so much fun - I can't possibly recommend them more. I will be putting together a little promo of their stuff soon and can't wait to share it. It's so symbolic after the year I've had to see a bunch of women kickin' the shit out of a song. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. :-)
And of course my time in Columbus is nearing the end, and there is one last story unresolved. Will we meet. We're considering meeting on the last night and though on the surface that seems like the right thing to do... deep down I have intense reservations about it. This is a huge internal struggle and I really am 50/50. I just can't express how NOT ready I am to be in any sort of relationship, and I also can't express how legitimate our connection is. All of you, shut up. I know you guys think you know what's gonna happen... but... damnit. (Sigh). Stop knowing me better than me. I just don't want to get swept up!!! DAHHHHH. We've already proven we're both a bit obsessive... WHY DO THIS!?! There's no way we'll do this lightly. No possible way. I've BEEN here before man. I know how this shit ends. Why can't I stop it before it starts?!
'Cause then you wouldn't be Adam Kontras. Haven't you learned that by now?