Entry #76
2:37 AM, Wednesday, September 20th, 2000:
I'm not sure whether to curse the word or to find comfort in it. I'm gonna be leaving in a few hours to go back to Columbus, because my grandmother is very ill. At a time when things finally look up, life throws yet another curve ball.
In many ways I love that. It's the only thing that has kept me going. As long as the "good" isn't "too good", I appreciate life more. I work more. I continue to struggle more. To know that at any moment your entire world can be turned upside down keeps you from getting "too comfortable". And that's what this journey is all about really...isn't it? All I've done differently than millions of others is sacrifice my comfort to pull off a huge goal. And the second I feel comfort, my life has a way of balancing. It's as if someone knows that I'm at my best when I'm struggling. I need to feel a little uneasy. A little sad. A little depressed. It makes me work harder.
All I can think right now though, is how much my grandmother means to me. When my parents divorced I was only 7. Even when they were together, I saw more of Nana than of my father. His schedule was messed up 'cause he was in a band. Then when they were seperated, my Uncle and I (he's 3 years older) were raised by Nana and my mom. It was a nice sytem. Tim and I felt like brothers, and the 4 of us were very close. I don't feel particularly sorry for myself in the situation...many people lose their grandparents at a much earlier age. Of course my uncle is dealing with this at 28. I just wish she could be without pain. She's had cancer for the past 8-9 years, and never told "the boys". We got that surprise when I went back for the wedding. Tim apparently knew something was up, whereas I was just completely oblivious. Her love knows no bounds. And I feel so helpless because of it. On top of that she's only 68. I want her to hold my children. (sigh)
Man, I do NOT mean to bring everyone down, but I need to write. It's character development as well. To see the road to success involves seeing what shapes the man that gets there.
On a lighter note, but an unfortunate case of bad timing 'cause Jess needs to stay home with him, J-Dog now has a brother. He's none-to-thrilled about it. He's been crying like a madman. And even when we let him out he just cries at other people's windows (something that is making us VERY popular around her).
So we figured a plaything might give him some comfort. Enter "Bob", a ten week old kitten who just wants to play with J...and J-Dog just wants to eat him. J was like this with "Sabrina", his first sibling Burgundie and I got him, but eventually warmed up to her. It may be a bit different now though. He's much older, and is now hissing and hitting US because we smell like Bob. Time will tell. J-Dog has been writing a journal on his feelings, so you'll get his side of it in a few weeks when I release www.j-dog.net - some funny stuff.
YouTube link added 02.13.09
Guess there isn't much more to say. I need get cleaned up and get ready. I'm so incredibly bummed Jessica can't come back with me. Unfortunately since we park on the street, and there's weekly street cleaning, we're kind of screwed unless we plan way in advance to park somehwere. On top of that, J-Dog is losing his mind as I type, because he can smell Bob. He wants our comfort, then smells our hands and bites us. He's really freakin' out here. And we have no friends. Damnit, I mean NO FRIENDS. No one to just help us out for a few days while we take care of things at home. It SUCKS. I'm hoping Jess can figure something out and fly out a bit later.
Well, send me some positive thoughts throughout this week...your supportive words have always meant the world to me.
original video file