Entry #66
12:07 PM, Sunday, August 6th, 2000:
Man, it really has been 3 years. This was the worst month of my life 3 years ago. The basis for Hearing My Thoughts. You think you're never gonna get over it. And in many ways I haven't. It's now always in the back of my head that things can fall apart in an instant, and there's not much you can do about it. It definitely makes me appreciate my time more. I'm talking about my first marriage. Any of you listening to The Late Show during August of 1997 remember it well. You think I'm open now? LOL. That microphone, and those listeners, were my "journey" then. I'll never forget that first show that I told everyone. Did a show on your lowest points. Great show. Still listen to it from time to time. August was such an overwhelmingly shitty month. Burg came to me 10 days previous and said she didn't have "those feelings" for me. Because her grandfather was a lawyer, and quite happy about her decision, the seperation papers were signed on August 1st. I moved in with my father for a month and was in hell. No one to talk to...except the listeners. I finally got an apartment on September 1st and was well on my way to recovering when Palaur happened in January. Just a traumatic time.
I'm saying all this obviously, because one week from today I jump back in again. It doesn't really scare me at all, I knew the week I met her I was ready. The worry obviously comes when I remember that I felt the same way about Burgundie. So many similarities. Best friends, loved to be together...from the beginning. Jess is even the same age Burg was when we got married. Actually a year older now that I think of it. Either way incredibly young. On the verge of changing SOOO much. That's all your 20's are for really. Evolving. In an ideal world you go crazy in your 20's and get married in your 30's. Unfortunately I don't want to wait, and I just have to pray that Jess will evolve with me and not from me as Burgundie did.
On the other hand, getting to this point with someone AFTER going through a "Burg" should show the strength of the relationship. I'll admit at the beginning with Jess I was NOT about to let my guard down. I knew right away she was right, but I couldn't handle letting her know. It's all moot now as we'll be married shortly. I'm so excited. I'm so excited that I AM excited! I've been through more with Jess than any person I've ever known. The struggle to get 4tvs off the ground basically coincided with our relationship. All of 1999 trying to save and build 4tvs up and now 2000 trying to stay alive to see it produce success...I love her to death. I'm amazed that I can feel so good again after the trauma of Burg. But I do.
Oddly enough, Burgundie is taking the pictures at the wedding. Very important for me to have my family see us all getting along. Even when Burg and I broke up, we knew we were always friends and tried to show our family that just because this is breaking off doesn't mean our whole relationship was a farce. They certainly weren't buying it. And neither was I at the beginning I guess. But ever since Palaur, Burg and I have been able to talk as brother and sister, as opposed to exes. It's really nice. We were both only children and it's nice to be able to call her up and just see how she is. What she's dealing with now, and talk about our lives. And we worked at it. That may be the key. So many people just blow off divorces and try to run so far from it. Burg and I were able to just rework our relationship, and it's made the past so much easier to handle...ANYWAY:
I almost wish I had all these nervous feelings I could type so it'd be funny to look back on them. I will say this about the differences between Jess and Burg. From the beginning burgundie was independent to a fault. Seperate bank accounts even when we were married. I was making quite a bit more than her and yet we were still splitting the bills. Any thought of children with me made her vomit. LOL - it wasn't that bad, but she was not ready. Constantly "SURE" that she knew what she wanted in life, and the next moment constantly "SURE" it was something else. Jessica and I talk about family like we talk about the weather. Well, much more than the weather out here...there is no weather out here...Jessica knows she wants children, as do I, and there's much more "oneness" between us. We think the same, we want the same, and we are the same. Seperate bank accounts? We've had the same bank account since December of 1998. Hell we couldn't even affor dthe monthly fees on two accounts! Burg was my best friend, but Jess is my best me. She makes me want to succeed more than even my own determination. Quite simply, I cannot dream of a life without her - and that's why we're getting married.
3 years of bachelordome....what am I saying...really about one summer. LOL. I felt like a bachelor for ONE summer. The remainder of 1997 even though there were other women, it was the furthest thing from carefree...then freakin' PALAUR. My second marriage in every sense but the law's. What a mindfuck that was. But then summer rolled around and whew...the late show...the listener bits...the un-aired listener bits. Yeah Marty, I do miss it a little bit. It was fun. Speaking of which, prepare to get your ass beat at NFL BLITZ MARTY MY BOY. I haven't played it since you and I did last year and I'm ready to whoop your ASS. Oh and I hear it's gonna rain this week in COLUMBUS!!!! HOT DAMN! I'm so damn excited!!! I swear to you, I haven't seen a rain cloud since April. EARLY April. You can't imagine how badly I want to run around in the rain.
Oh, and by the way our apartment rocks. It's so cool it's incredible. I've finally gotten the boxes positioned in such a way that it looks like a real apartment. Man, I need to sell some of these CDS! Feel free to email me if you'd like any. Oh and the video! My appearence may be a bit shocking to ya. I was gonna wait until I got back so I could shock my dad at the airport, but screw it...it's too funny to hold for 2 more weeks. Enjoy.
YouTube link added 02.13.09
We're off to get married,
Jess and Adam
original video file