Entry #42
11:00 PM, Sunday, April 23rd, 2000:
This is a long entry. If that fact makes you sigh, or roll your eyes, or simply wish for a synopsis...go to hell. LOL. Feel free to ignore it. And PLEASE email me and I will get you off this list.
I've always been one to chronicle. I've always felt the need to be able to look back on my life and be able to have something to show for it. Exactly why I spent all of my money producing CDs I knew no one would buy. I would never make that money back, but I had it. All I have to do is look at the recordings section of my site and I feel like I'm worth something. (the recordings section was removed in 2004 and replaced by Adamzon.com) And how cool will it be for my kids? When they're old enough of course. Yeah and that bums me out too. That so much of it is adult, but damnit I do what I think is funny. I KNOW I'll write a children's album when my kid turns two. That will be my life then. My life now...man. Anyway, this all had a point somehwere...gimme a second to reread it.
Ahh yes. The "Journey" section of the site. Meant to chronicle my bumps and burises on my way to success. Hell I've been successful at everything else I tried...what if the streak continued? Wouldn't it be awesome for some kid out there to be able to actually read the WHOLE story? And know that it can be done. I certainly wish I had that. Well recently my entries have been lacking in any real substance because no one's responding anymore. I figured you all had heard enough. Maybe that's it...maybe it's because my mom compared Jess and I to Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker because two of you actually sent us money. Man that comment hurt. As if I wasn't embarrased and humiliated enough, I get that. And some of the responses I did get (that I didn't post)...were very:  "quit your bitching..." So I did. If you notice of the 42 entries very few have my "feelings" anymore..and that SUCKS. This is not for you...it's for me. It was always intended to be. I dig that some of you wish to respond, and it's a great motivation...but I want to write about my feelings. What's really going on out here. How freakin' scary it all is... And holding back just kills me sometimes. And by holding back, people get this impression that I'm living the high life..and that there's some honor in the struggle. Let me just clear that up right now.
If Jess and I were just struggling...that'd be fun. It'd be exciting. A creative challenge. Knowing we have to come up with close to $2000 a month starting on July 1st (plus have a security deposit, because we ARE going to have to move since a certain "roomate" decided she'd rather buy a house)...that's not struggling...that's simply not possible. I'll have to somehow come up with $12 an hour. Oh, and not work nights if I want to gig. Yet when I say this to people, their advice is that we need to get out more. I need to "treat" Jess to dinner once and awhile. Go enjoy the sun. It really makes me want to be a prick. I will write these entries, and tell those people to fuck off because they haven't a clue what's going on. And if one more goddamn person tells me how I should treat Jess, as if I haven't felt guilty enough about her being here, I'm gonna lose it. Ahh...and here it comes. An actual real journal entry of my feelings. It's about goddamn time...
Jess is an absolutely beautiful person. I love her more at this moment as she sleeps on the couch, than I have ever loved anything in my life. Yet, I am scared. Of course I am scared. Jess is a very talented singer and loves to write songs and had dreams of her own. She has candidly said she is somewhat jealous but always says she's jealous of the finished product, but not the work that goes into it. Yeah, she'd love to just perform, have people love her and go on her merry way, but she sees what I go through and wants no part of that end of it. I respect her for that. That is part of all this. A part few people can "skip", and those who do end up losing it pretty quickly. On the other hand, she's out here for me. A selfless act that I am amazed and honored by. I'm also hurt by it in many instances. I can't rid the guilt in many cases. It's a pressure that cripples me at times. By nature of the business I have to think of ME first...and VERY first. Good example: Lulu's Beehive gig. Jess helped me set-up, but was very sick. Had a migraine. As I finished my show she looked pretty bad. I had played to my scheduled time, but I wanted to continue. A guy had called his friends on a cell-phone and since no other band was coming on, I wanted to keep going. Jess was in no condition to stay there, and I asked her if she wanted to sleep in the car. She ended up going outside and I met the movie guy with the lead actor...I talked to them, she went in the car in this back alley and I continued to mingle and went back on stage. Well, I should've tore down, got her to safety, and made sure she was alright. Instead I played for 2 more hours...made the MTV commercial contact and had my best show. The whole time I was singing I felt like shit. But you know what...I had to be selfish there. And I have to be a selfish prick to continue. I can't always think of her. And it's such a splitting feeling for me. I like domestic life, but I know I can make it. I want children and to be the supportive husband, but to make it I have to be a prick...quite a bit. But it effects me nonetheless. I had to tell Jess to stay home one night and it killed her. She was kind of sick, but still wanted to help. And I asked that she stay home because it effects my job when she's there. I don't mingle enough. I don't think of myself. And I know I'm right on telling her this, but it doesn't make it any less shitty. And she understood. But CHRIST on top of that she's working her ass off. It's a good formula for killing a relationship indeed. Part of me wants her to go back home and forget about me, because this could go on for quite sometime. The other part of me wants to go home with her and start a family. And all of it banks on money. Always. And that's the other thing:
The roomate thing has made the end of June pretty much D-Day. If I cannot find a job, in which I can pull off the equivalent of $12 an hour...Jess and I are coming back home. Period. There is no grey matter here. It's not like I can sell my car, or take the bus to save money. These bills are the price of 4tvs. Plain and simple...believe me stand-up looks pretty enticing. That's a joke, I'm not doing a tired stand-up routine.
Jess and I came to the realization Friday night that we were most likely coming home in July. Barring some sort of miracle (like landing a radio gig) - The simple truth was keeping 4tvs afloat in LA ain't possible. And ya know what? That sucks. Even without the roomate backing out I still would've had to come up with more money than Jess makes, and all my experience lies in radio. Good luck breaking into LA radio with a Columbus background. Heh. There is still of course time. There's always chances. God it kills me to write these things because I've got what it takes. I know it. I feel it now more than ever. Especially with this MTV thing. The people at hollywoodscreentest.com are complimentary almost to a fault with me. They see what I can do and are excited, and yet I can't get a freakin' job. I can't do the starving artist/studio apartment/waiter LA thing, because I have to have this equipment to do the show. God I need a millionaire to bankroll my ass bad. Heh. Man, I certainly would take stock in me. Then again, all I want is an honest job. Welcome to my mind.
Let's add more to the story. The Aaah Capella thing. The absolute bombshell in all of this. My one big land here in Hollywood of a 6 week run at a little North Hollywood Theater, and the owner is so highly in debt that my time involved with the theater is spent trying to clean it or help him out with his problems...and I'm losing it. There's no one at the shows. He won't tell me how to promote this thing. He's got a million dreams and a million debts...I can't see the place making it more than a month and it's kicking my ass driving out there, setting up, and sitting there. This idea of playing for free is one thing....This idea of playing for small crowds is another thing...This idea of playing for no one...and I mean singing to zero people...for free...well that's about ready to do me in. And I can't get an agent or manager to even listen to me because I'm in no one's fucking "category". Fuck all of you morons for that fact. You mean to tell me because I can do everything, that you won't represent me to do anything? Oh, since I write everything, sing everything, act everything, edit everything...AHHH.
You know I sit at this computer and I'm more productive than I've been in my entire life, and I can't get a freakin' job. Just wait until you see the new video. I'm not even using a blue screen, but I'm doing all this cool stuff. God I'm rambling. Basically I'm losing it. This is the same pressure I felt the months leading up to January 1st last year. Our lease was up at the end of the year, I couldn't get a straight answer out of CD101 as to whether or not we could work something out for me to stay, and the clock kept ticking and POW...here I am 6 months later doing the same thing. What am I willing to lose? Jessica? 4tvs?...Do I even have a choice? Coming back to Columbus would bring me close to...ugh. And on top of all that my fight is waning. The odds are so insurmountable at this point. My resources are gone, I can't truly effect this outcome. Something else HAS to come up, or I lose. I want to go to every radio station and give them a tape and resume even though somehow NOBODY in this damn area is hiring, but I worked in radio... I know how STUPID that is. Thrown into a bin and ignored. Always. Unless there is an immediate need to be filled, there is no reason to listen.
(sigh) Man, I can't believe I couldn't even hold on for 6 months without doing this...
I was fired from CD101. I'm not that strong man who decided to give it all up to pursue his dream. I was kicked out and had no choice. It took no guts to come out here. I did accept the full-time Late Show position that Friday. I had every intention of staying in Columbus and doing radio full-time and pursuing 4tvs on the side. I did everything I could to not leave Columbus, my cushion. The next week I was fired. There's plenty of great gossip and betrayal that could be thrown in here, but it means nothing now. I promised the station I would not divulge anything, and in turn they would do the same, and it honestly doesn't matter at this point. Needless to say, I was stupid. I confided my stupidity, and instead of talking with me, the person confided that with someone else. The following week I was gone. Shocked and floored, I wrote some pretty good songs (you've all heard at least one), and Jess and I just said "screw it, let's go". This point has ripped me apart inside. I'll take credit where credit is due, but to have people shower me with: "Adam, you're such a strong person for doing this..." completely makes my stomache hurt. I was cowardly in my actions. I did everything I could to not face my dreams, and was praised for being something I wasn't. Many of you know about my problem with honesty. Heh, I say problem simply because it's like a disease sometimes. I have to be honest. In my relationships it's a must. So much in fact that the first couple of times I'm with someone...well it's pretty much a: "ok, you have to know this, this and this...for us to keep going". I don't fuck around. "I like you a bunch. I'm attracted to you. I think you're gorgeous and funny, and oh by the way my wife left me because she wanted to be friends." "And you are?" So as you can imagine...dealing with the fact that the entire LA story is a LIE has been gut wrenching to say the least. So there you go. On top of all the other shit, that's the basis. Oh, and the title of this entry...heh. It's basically the title of my next musical project. A wonderful double-meaning with a slew of great songs. Sincerity at it's finest...and a great story of betrayal and love...and amazingly it actually happened. All coded of course. I have no intention of even hurting the person who hurt me. He did what he felt was best, and well....I don't even believe that...lol. But either way, it does no one any good to scream specifics. Innuendo is much more creative and fun to craft.
I can't believe it's 12:30 AM. There's still more I could write about. I'm done worrying about your reactions. Truth be told, Jess and I have accepted that we are coming back in July - and it makes both of us sick to our stomaches. We will do everything in our reasonable powers to pull off a miracle, but at this point that seems unlikely. And there you have it. I'm partly pissed I let your reactions sway me to begin with. When I look back on my life, I want to be able to read about these months and know what happened. Instead I was worried that I may make some people on the list think differently of me. Well fuck that. Honesty produced Hearing My Thoughts. An incredible album. Honesty produced Palaur.com. An amazingly honest and wonderful site. To the 6 of you enjoying it...lol thank you. Honesty is going to make the "Journey" section do what I always intended it to do. Inspire. Even if the story ends up without the Hollywood ending...it's real. Which is a lot more than I can say for Hollywood.
Oh, and I have a video. Heh. It's of my actor audition for hollywoodscreentest.com. I was supposed to act in a 30 second short trying to excitedly tell my friend about hollywoodscreentest.com. So here ya go: VIDEO
YouTube link added 12.20.07
For those of you who read this...thank you. Every singer wants to be heard, every actor wants to be seen, and every writer wants to be read. Too bad if you have more than one talent in this city no one will represent you...HAHA.
Jess and Adam
original video file
APRIL 2000