This is a long entry. If that fact
makes you sigh, or roll your eyes, or simply wish for
a synopsis...go to hell. LOL. Feel free to ignore it.
And PLEASE email me and I will get you off this
list.
I've always been one to chronicle.
I've always felt the need to be able to look back on
my life and be able to have something to show for it.
Exactly why I spent all of my money producing CDs I
knew no one would buy. I would never make that
money back, but I had it. All I have to do
is look at the recordings
section of my site and I feel like I'm worth
something.
(the
recordings section was removed in 2004 and replaced by
Adamzon.com)And how cool will it be for my kids? When they're
old enough of course. Yeah and that bums me out too.
That so much of it is adult, but damnit I do what
I think is funny. I KNOW I'll write a
children's album when my kid turns two. That will be
my life then. My life now...man. Anyway, this all had
a point somehwere...gimme a second to reread
it.
Ahh yes. The "Journey" section of
the site. Meant to chronicle my bumps and burises on
my way to success. Hell I've been successful at
everything else I tried...what if the streak
continued? Wouldn't it be awesome for some kid out
there to be able to actually read the WHOLE story? And
know that it can be done. I certainly wish I had
that. Well recently my entries have been lacking in
any real substance because no one's responding
anymore. I figured you all had heard enough. Maybe
that's it...maybe it's because my mom compared Jess
and I to Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker because two of you
actually sent us money. Man that comment hurt. As if I
wasn't embarrased and humiliated enough, I get that.
And some of the responses I did get (that I didn't
post)...were very: "quit your bitching..." So I
did. If you notice of the 42 entries very few have my
"feelings" anymore..and that SUCKS. This is not for
you...it's for me. It was always intended to be.
I dig that some of you wish to respond, and it's
a great motivation...but I want to write about my
feelings. What's really going on out here. How
freakin' scary it all is... And holding back just
kills me sometimes. And by holding back, people get
this impression that I'm living the high life..and
that there's some honor in the struggle. Let me just
clear that up right now.
If Jess and I were just
struggling...that'd be fun. It'd be exciting. A
creative challenge. Knowing we have to come up with
close to $2000 a month starting on July 1st (plus have
a security deposit, because we ARE going to have to
move since a certain "roomate" decided she'd rather
buy a house)...that's not struggling...that's simply
not possible. I'll have to somehow come up with $12 an
hour. Oh, and not work nights if I want to gig. Yet
when I say this to people, their advice is that we
need to get out more. I need to "treat" Jess to dinner
once and awhile. Go enjoy the sun. It really makes me
want to be a prick. I will write these entries, and
tell those people to fuck off because they haven't a
clue what's going on. And if one more goddamn person
tells me how I should treat Jess, as if I haven't felt
guilty enough about her being here, I'm gonna lose it.
Ahh...and here it comes. An actual real journal entry
of my feelings. It's about goddamn time...
Jess is an absolutely beautiful
person. I love her more at this moment as she
sleeps on the couch, than I have ever loved
anything in my life. Yet, I am scared. Of course I am
scared. Jess is a very talented singer and loves to
write songs and had dreams of her own. She has
candidly said she is somewhat jealous but always says
she's jealous of the finished product, but not the
work that goes into it. Yeah, she'd love to just
perform, have people love her and go on her merry way,
but she sees what I go through and wants no part of
that end of it. I respect her for that. That is part
of all this. A part few people can "skip", and those
who do end up losing it pretty quickly. On the other
hand, she's out here for me. A selfless act that I am
amazed and honored by. I'm also hurt by it in many
instances. I can't rid the guilt in many cases. It's a
pressure that cripples me at times. By nature of the
business I have to think of ME first...and
VERY first. Good example: Lulu's Beehive gig.
Jess helped me set-up, but was very sick. Had a
migraine. As I finished my show she looked pretty bad.
I had played to my scheduled time, but I wanted to
continue. A guy had called his friends on a cell-phone
and since no other band was coming on, I wanted
to keep going. Jess was in no condition to stay there,
and I asked her if she wanted to sleep in the car. She
ended up going outside and I met the movie guy with
the lead actor...I talked to them, she went in
the car in this back alley and I continued to
mingle and went back on stage. Well, I should've tore
down, got her to safety, and made sure she was
alright. Instead I played for 2 more hours...made the
MTV commercial contact and had my best show. The whole
time I was singing I felt like shit. But you know
what...I had to be selfish there. And I have
to be a selfish prick to continue. I can't always
think of her. And it's such a splitting feeling for
me. I like domestic life, but I know I can
make it. I want children and to be the supportive
husband, but to make it I have to be a
prick...quite a bit. But it effects me nonetheless.
I had to tell Jess to stay home one night and it
killed her. She was kind of sick, but still wanted to
help. And I asked that she stay home because it
effects my job when she's there. I don't mingle
enough. I don't think of myself. And I know I'm
right on telling her this, but it doesn't make it any
less shitty. And she understood. But CHRIST on
top of that she's working her ass off. It's a good
formula for killing a relationship indeed. Part of me
wants her to go back home and forget about me, because
this could go on for quite sometime. The other part of
me wants to go home with her and start a family. And
all of it banks on money. Always. And that's the other
thing:
The roomate thing has made the end
of June pretty much D-Day. If I cannot find a job, in
which I can pull off the equivalent of $12 an
hour...Jess and I are coming back home. Period. There
is no grey matter here. It's not like I can sell my
car, or take the bus to save money. These bills are
the price of 4tvs. Plain and simple...believe me
stand-up looks pretty enticing. That's a joke, I'm not
doing a tired stand-up routine.
Jess and I came to the realization
Friday night that we were most likely coming home in
July. Barring some sort of miracle (like landing a
radio gig) - The simple truth was keeping 4tvs afloat
in LA ain't possible. And ya know what? That sucks.
Even without the roomate backing out I still would've
had to come up with more money than Jess makes, and
all my experience lies in radio. Good luck breaking
into LA radio with a Columbus background. Heh. There
is still of course time. There's always chances. God
it kills me to write these things because I've got
what it takes. I know it. I feel it now more than
ever. Especially with this MTV thing. The people
at hollywoodscreentest.com
are complimentary almost to a fault with me. They see
what I can do and are excited, and yet I can't get a
freakin' job. I can't do the starving
artist/studio apartment/waiter LA thing, because I
have to have this equipment to do the show. God I need
a millionaire to bankroll my ass bad. Heh. Man, I
certainly would take stock in me. Then again, all
I want is an honest job. Welcome to my
mind.
Let's add more to the story. The
Aaah Capella thing. The absolute bombshell in all of
this. My one big land here in Hollywood of a 6 week
run at a little North Hollywood Theater, and the owner
is so highly in debt that my time involved with the
theater is spent trying to clean it or help him out
with his problems...and I'm losing it. There's no one
at the shows. He won't tell me how to promote this
thing. He's got a million dreams and a million
debts...I can't see the place making it more than a
month and it's kicking my ass driving out there,
setting up, and sitting there. This idea of playing
for free is one thing....This idea of playing for
small crowds is another thing...This idea of playing
for no one...and I mean singing to zero
people...for free...well that's about ready to do me
in. And I can't get an agent or manager to even listen
to me because I'm in no one's fucking "category". Fuck
all of you morons for that fact. You mean to tell me
because I can do everything, that you won't represent
me to do anything? Oh, since I write everything,
sing everything, act everything, edit
everything...AHHH.
You know I sit at this computer
and I'm more productive than I've been in my entire
life, and I can't get a freakin' job. Just wait until
you see the new video. I'm not even using a blue
screen, but I'm doing all this cool stuff. God I'm
rambling. Basically I'm losing it. This is the same
pressure I felt the months leading up to January 1st
last year. Our lease was up at the end of the year, I
couldn't get a straight answer out of CD101 as to
whether or not we could work something out for me to
stay, and the clock kept ticking and POW...here
I am 6 months later doing the same thing. What am
I willing to lose? Jessica? 4tvs?...Do I even
have a choice? Coming back to Columbus would bring me
close to...ugh. And on top of all that my fight is
waning. The odds are so insurmountable at this point.
My resources are gone, I can't truly effect this
outcome. Something else HAS to come up, or
I lose. I want to go to every radio station
and give them a tape and resume even though somehow
NOBODY in this damn area is hiring, but I worked in
radio... I know how STUPID that is. Thrown
into a bin and ignored. Always. Unless there is an
immediate need to be filled, there is no reason to
listen.
(sigh) Man, I can't believe I
couldn't even hold on for 6 months without doing
this...
I was fired from CD101. I'm not
that strong man who decided to give it all up to
pursue his dream. I was kicked out and had no choice.
It took no guts to come out here. I did accept
the full-time Late Show position that Friday. I had
every intention of staying in Columbus and doing radio
full-time and pursuing 4tvs on the side. I did
everything I could to not leave Columbus, my
cushion. The next week I was fired. There's plenty of
great gossip and betrayal that could be thrown in
here, but it means nothing now. I promised the
station I would not divulge anything, and in turn they
would do the same, and it honestly doesn't matter at
this point. Needless to say, I was stupid.
I confided my stupidity, and instead of talking
with me, the person confided that with someone else.
The following week I was gone. Shocked and
floored, I wrote some pretty good songs (you've all
heard at least one), and Jess and I just said "screw
it, let's go". This point has ripped me apart inside.
I'll take credit where credit is due, but to have
people shower me with: "Adam, you're such a strong
person for doing this..." completely makes my stomache
hurt. I was cowardly in my actions. I did
everything I could to not face my dreams, and was
praised for being something I wasn't. Many of you know
about my problem with honesty. Heh, I say problem
simply because it's like a disease sometimes. I have
to be honest. In my relationships it's a must. So much
in fact that the first couple of times I'm with
someone...well it's pretty much a: "ok, you have to
know this, this and this...for us to keep going".
I don't fuck around. "I like you a bunch.
I'm attracted to you. I think you're gorgeous and
funny, and oh by the way my wife left me because she
wanted to be friends." "And you are?" So as you can
imagine...dealing with the fact that the entire
LA story is a LIE has been gut wrenching to say
the least. So there you go. On top of all the other
shit, that's the basis. Oh, and the title of this
entry...heh. It's basically the title of my next
musical project. A wonderful double-meaning with a
slew of great songs. Sincerity at it's finest...and a
great story of betrayal and love...and amazingly it
actually happened. All coded of course. I have no
intention of even hurting the person who hurt me. He
did what he felt was best, and well....I don't
even believe that...lol. But either way, it does no
one any good to scream specifics. Innuendo is much
more creative and fun to craft.
I can't believe it's 12:30 AM.
There's still more I could write about. I'm done
worrying about your reactions. Truth be told, Jess and
I have accepted that we are coming back in July -
and it makes both of us sick to our stomaches. We will
do everything in our reasonable powers to pull off a
miracle, but at this point that seems unlikely. And
there you have it. I'm partly pissed I let your
reactions sway me to begin with. When I look back
on my life, I want to be able to read about these
months and know what happened. Instead I was worried
that I may make some people on the list think
differently of me. Well fuck that. Honesty produced
Hearing My Thoughts. An incredible album. Honesty
produced Palaur.com. An amazingly honest and wonderful
site. To the 6 of you enjoying it...lol thank you.
Honesty is going to make the "Journey" section do what
I always intended it to do. Inspire. Even if the story
ends up without the Hollywood ending...it's real.
Which is a lot more than I can say for
Hollywood.
Oh, and I have a
video. Heh. It's of my actor audition for
hollywoodscreentest.com. I was supposed to
act in a 30 second short trying to
excitedly tell my friend about
hollywoodscreentest.com. So here ya go:
VIDEO
YouTube
link added
12.20.07
For those of you who read
this...thank you. Every singer wants to be heard,
every actor wants to be seen, and every writer wants
to be read. Too bad if you have more than one talent
in this city no one will represent
you...HAHA.