Entry #35
4:50 AM, Saturday, April 1st, 2000:
It's been a long week since I wrote previously. And my entire life is upside-down.
A little after my last entry over a week ago, Jessica and I got into an argument that within 24 hours completely changed our lives. One of those arguments that bring things out you simply never knew. I'm in shock as I even attempt to write this. I obviously won't go into particulars here, but last Monday Jessica gathered as many belongings as she could and went back home. As it was with Burgundie the end came swiftly and though still shocked, neither of us will fight this too much. We were obviously not meant for each other, and the fact that a weekend could tear us apart so quickly was proof. I have had to cancel all 4 of my gigs this week (including the one later today), to try to sort my life out. This may very well be the final blow for my life here in California. What was once a 3 man plan has withered to one man standing, and I use the term standing very loosely. After all the hoops I went through with Sam Ash, they "chose someone else", and wasted 2 weeks of my time making me think I had the job. Jess and I were in danger of making an early exit from LA even before last weekend, and now...I guess a job in radio's my only hope. I don't know. I cannot beleive this has happened to me again. Someone really must want me to have good song material. But I've been too depressed to get out of bed let alone write. It's taken me a week to write this. I was able to talk to Jess on Thursday and though we can still talk, it's pretty much like we were never together. It's amazing how two people can live under one roof for so long and not quite be there. She emersed herself in work out here until she just couldn't take it any longer. New paragraph...
My mind is in circles still. Can't really think of much more to say after this week. A week spent talking to family for hours, and trying to figure my life out. Sam Ash was the final blow yesterday...jesus - all that for nothing. How can a company afford that? Anyway, I'm dead tired somehow and I needed to just get this entry written so you'd all understand why I hadn't written in so long and why I probably won't be writing anytime soon. This isn't the type of hurt that you can pick up a guitar and write, or sit at the piano and write...it's a bit bigger than music right now. And PLEASE don't send money. If you'd like to purchase palaur.com that's fine, but money for money's sake won't help me now. I need to determine whether I can be self-sufficient out here or if I need to come home. As John Lennon poignantly said: "The dream is over...what can I say?" That's exactly where I'm at. My fight is gone. It would truly take a miracle for me to stay in LA. Staying alive is a bigger challenge than promoting 4tvs. (sigh)..can't write much more. Need to sleep. April Fools.
Really. You did check out the date first didn't you? Wait, you mean you actually believed this for THAT long? Wow. This is my wake-up call for those of you out there so you're on your toes today. Question everything you hear today. Rest assured that Jessica is in the other room sleeping and our relationship is fine. Sam Ash still sucks, but Jess and I are fine. There will be a full update tomorrow...you can curse my name and send me nasty emails now. Then again, when you catch someone screwin' with you today a bit early you'll smile.
APRIL 2000