Entry #82
3:23 PM, Monday, October 9th, 2000:
I can't believe I'm bumming so hard about my 25th birthday, but I sure am. I remember at 17 I felt like I wasn't doing enough because Joey Lawrence was my age and had been on TV and was releasing an album. Joey Lawrence. LOL. I can't believe I was ever jealous of "whoa".
I've always compared myself to others my age, and been pissed when I hadn't measured up. Tiger Woods is my age, and Kevin Garnett is younger than me, but they never bothered me because I'm not in their talent ballpark. When it comes to the entertainment world however, anyone my age kicking ass depresses me. Basically because in sports, and really the rest of the world...if you've got the talent and the heart you will make it. Hell you don't even have to have the heart. But in the entertainment field, it's so much more subjective and filled with luck - so I guess I shouldn't be so depressed.
But man am I...I feel like such an incredible failure. Yeah, I've produced a shitload of stuff. From CDs to radio shows to movies to websites to everything...but productivity doesn't equal success. So the "spinning your wheels" feeling prevails over all.
I bought myself a double-stack for my birthday. I felt even I was worth 99 cents. LOL. It's pretty pathetic really. Here's the video...
YouTube link added 02.13.09
Then the part that always hits me: I should've come to LA in early 1998 after WTVN. Unless 4tvs specifically gives me my break...staying in Columbus an extra 2 years was meaningless. Without CD101, I never would've had the cash to put together 4tvs, and especially not if I had moved to LA and been struggling. Who knows...fate is fate...and 25 is still incredibly young. I'm sure half of you are laughing at my "mid-20's-life crisis", because it's insane to "expect" to be famous and successful at 25, but I certainly think I've got the talent and ability to be successful in this city, and this world for that matter - just need to be seen.
I wonder if other people who have made it had this obsession. This constant push that made them ALWAYS feel behind and that they ALWAYS needed to do more. It's constant. Everything I do I tie into a way to further me. Even J-Dog.net gave me more experince to web design that could get me more money down the road that could continue the dream here in LA. It's all intermingled and rarely do I do anything that isn't impacting my goals.
It's all money though....damnit...Enough money to have the freedom to truly pursue my talents. I HATE MONEY. I can't stand that money is the barrier to all freedoms in this world. UGH. What a shitty entry this is. LOL.
Well here's where I am on my 25th birthday. If I'm actually doing this lifestyle at 30, I'll be incredibly bummed. I don't want to give a "give-in" age, but I want a family and other things, and if I'm still "spinning my wheels" on October 9th, 2005...It may be time to go back into radio and get a comfy job.
So that's the plan...here's the start. For once a 5 year plan that doesn't involve me "doing" something in 5 years. Ya know those guys who always tel you what their plan is? While they're playing nintendo and smoking a joint, they explain what they're "5 year plan" is. Which basically means: "I will sit on my ass and do nothing for 4 years...then make another 5 year plan" - Well mine is while I AM doing...not sitting.
So I have 1826 days to go.
Happy Birthday Adam. A quarter century...a 3rd of my life - god this funk has to END!
original video file