I can't believe I'm bumming
so hard about my 25th birthday, but I sure am. I
remember at 17 I felt like I wasn't doing enough
because Joey Lawrence was my age and had been on TV
and was releasing an album. Joey Lawrence. LOL. I
can't believe I was ever jealous of
"whoa".
I've always compared myself to
others my age, and been pissed when I hadn't
measured up. Tiger Woods is my age, and Kevin Garnett
is younger than me, but they never bothered me because
I'm not in their talent ballpark. When it comes to the
entertainment world however, anyone my age kicking ass
depresses me. Basically because in sports, and really
the rest of the world...if you've got the talent and
the heart you will make it. Hell you don't even have
to have the heart. But in the entertainment field,
it's so much more subjective and filled with luck - so
I guess I shouldn't be so depressed.
But man am I...I feel like such an
incredible failure. Yeah, I've produced a shitload of
stuff. From CDs to radio shows to movies to websites
to everything...but productivity doesn't equal
success. So the "spinning your wheels" feeling
prevails over all.
I bought myself a
double-stack for my birthday. I felt even
I was worth 99 cents. LOL. It's pretty
pathetic really. Here's the
video...
YouTube
link added
02.13.09
Then the part that always hits me:
I should've come to LA in early 1998 after WTVN.
Unless 4tvs specifically gives me my break...staying
in Columbus an extra 2 years was meaningless. Without
CD101, I never would've had the cash to put
together 4tvs, and especially not if I had moved to LA
and been struggling. Who knows...fate is fate...and 25
is still incredibly young. I'm sure half of you are
laughing at my "mid-20's-life crisis", because it's
insane to "expect" to be famous and successful at 25,
but I certainly think I've got the talent and
ability to be successful in this city, and this world
for that matter - just need to be seen.
I wonder if other people who
have made it had this obsession. This constant push
that made them ALWAYS feel behind and that they
ALWAYS needed to do more. It's constant.
Everything I do I tie into a way to further me.
Even J-Dog.net gave me more experince to web design
that could get me more money down the road that could
continue the dream here in LA. It's all intermingled
and rarely do I do anything that isn't impacting my
goals.
It's all money
though....damnit...Enough money to have the freedom to
truly pursue my talents. I HATE MONEY. I
can't stand that money is the barrier to all freedoms
in this world. UGH. What a shitty entry this is.
LOL.
Well here's where I am on my 25th
birthday. If I'm actually doing this lifestyle at 30,
I'll be incredibly bummed. I don't want to give a
"give-in" age, but I want a family and other
things, and if I'm still "spinning my wheels" on
October 9th, 2005...It may be time to go back into
radio and get a comfy job.
So that's the plan...here's the
start. For once a 5 year plan that doesn't involve me
"doing" something in 5 years. Ya know those guys who
always tel you what their plan is? While they're
playing nintendo and smoking a joint, they explain
what they're "5 year plan" is. Which basically means:
"I will sit on my ass and do nothing for 4
years...then make another 5 year plan" - Well mine is
while I AM doing...not sitting.
So I have 1826 days to
go.
Happy Birthday Adam.
A quarter century...a 3rd of my life - god this
funk has to END!