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4:06 AM, Tuesday, February 18th, 2025:   Been awhile since I've done a middle of the night entry...   I don't know what the video for this entry will be, but a weird thing just happened to me whie I was organizing and backing up old footage from the last couple of years. It's happened a couple of times to me and it elicited the entry title in my brain as if an anvil dropped on my head:   Am I going to break?   This feeling hits me pretty hard when I stumble upon a series of videos that skims over the ups and downs of the gargantuan things that I'm attempting or have attempted. Obviously I'm focused on Virtual Presence at the moment but it's just the latest in a long line of ridiculously ambitious attempts at things with more fails than wins... but there are wins of course. I'm always resilient and seem to keep going but this time in particular I'm carrying an inordinate amount of weight on every, single, turn and meeting and without a win? Pretty soon? I feel like I'm gonna crack.   The weight of course comes from the whole friend angle from 2023 and how my whole family was ghosted the moment I wasn't seen as someone profitable enough to even use anymore. Writing this publicly just gives that person more fuel to feel "right" but it's the truth. I could argue that the adventures from last year are still incredible no matter the dollar amount, but it's clear although I'm technically in a far better position than I was with the NFL as a company, them releasing the VR180 show weekly as we had planned would've catapulted the format into the stratosphere and who knows what the landscape would be now. Alas, we're still trying to convince these massive companies to take the leap and while I've gotten INSANE access - the shit hasn't been RELEASED. MOTHER OF GOD it's annoying. People always bitch about having to work for exposure but I'm not even getting THAT. I working for FREE in a VACUUM. Whew.   Which brings us to today's Zoom call (technically yesterday), the stress of which was inordinate considering the past year of this ride. It went better than expected, it seems I'm going to Arizona to shoot what amounts to a Dodgers media day, training and then a game on March 4th though we're still awaiting some logistics which we'll have to know awfully soon. So here's the problem...   I mentally prepare for every outcome. Like the stuff with Pete Carroll on Thursday - I have to see it ALL through in my brain. If he likes it, what that means, how the shoot goes, showing him the footage, going to Vegas, showing them, etc... like - I play it out and sit with it. I walk with it. I study it. I do what I've always done and what always prepares me ahead of time... but it also makes the inevitable fall CRUSHING. And there really hasn't been a win with this camera yet. Getting the access and creating REALLY cool shit has been the only positive... which just leads to more access and cool adventures - but at some point there does have to be a contract, there does have to be work, there does have to be a RELEASE OF THE FOOTAGE. Like goddddddddddddddamn.   So I waited all day for that Zoom meeting (oh and today's Zoom meeting with FanDuel is now Thursday) and when it was over I was just so mentally drained and uneven. Like I needed a drink type of feeling. I needed french fries. Some self-medication of some sort. Happy sauce, something. I need everyone to just be HAPPY for a bit.   BUT WHY DID I NEED THAT? I had a great meeting with the Dodgers! Looks like I'm shooting Ohtani in a couple weeks! I am indeed shooting Pete Carroll Thursday and have a meeting with FanDuel in NY! This is all happy, right? To my brain, for some reason, it isn't. It now knows the cycle. It knows that I'll get the access, I'll shoot incredible stuff - the reel will make me CRY it's so good - everyone will love it...   ...and they will never call me again. My soul doesn't believe the maybes anymore. It's not even about celebrating the maybes like I always say - all I can do now is document the maybes. Even good news elicits wanting to disconnect from life and curl up into a ball. Now of course, the insomnia, going through old footage and being reminded of how the past 25 years of my life repeats this equation ad infinitum... my brain just popped out "Am I going to break?". I picture the "friend" watching all of this and feeling smug that he "got out" when he did. The reality is he could give two fucks and has moved on to other things. I'm always the person that cares too much about others and sits and thinks about them for 2 decades after they've forgotten I ever existed. But I'm carrying all this baggage with me and it's like I've turned a corner. Like this shit from this week has to hit. One of these 3. Dodgers, FanDuel Network and Pete Carroll. One of these has to turn into actual work. Actual released footage (and not just to some fanclub in Japan) and work. WORK. Releases that move the FORMAT and something the company can FINALLY build off. September marks 3 years of this push without anything but a few fun adventures... but I'm too old for adventures. I can't even get the exposure. I've been doing this for years in a vacuum and living off "hope" from meetings. And when a meeting as good as it was yesterday happens and I still need to disconnect? I'm in trouble. It's my body telling me I'm about to break. The day Adam can't celebrate the maybes anymore is a dayyyyyyyyy.   It's because I did this with the Rams, I did this with the Lakers, I did this with the Kings, I did this with the Clippers (twice actually)... and they all loved it and then drifted away. Now we add Dodgers and Pete could mean the Raiders. It's crazy I'm getting this access when I read it like that. I mean, it shows that the content really does blow people away - but for the love of fuck... I can't do the maybes anymore. I'm not excited about Thursday's shoot. Not stoked about going to Dodgers spring training... my spirit is kinda gone. I'm tellin' ya - Hanson was the real turning point. That shit fuuuuuuuuuckin' broke me.   That or I'm just tired and ranting and will wake up in the morning and be fine. Welcome to The Journey.   Adam   PS - I woke up and felt slightly better. Felt like a "Sittin' on the Future" reprise was in order...     Yeah, that works. Here's to the twentieth...