4:45 PM, Wednesday, October 4th, 2023:
Holy shit I'm sitting on a bed in a hotel room and don't need to be anywhere. FUUUCK what a couple of days.
So since I didn't die, 2376 will be different than the entry I wrote on the plane and emailed to myself.
I can't help it. I get feelings, I think of last entries, and I'm so goddamned focused on making sure my wife and kids have a final message. Can you tell I was dreading coming to New Zealand without them?
The problem with my brain in these situations is I really think about the aftermath of me dying. Not only the days after, but how I'd want to help Cam and Vienna and hope they'd find little gems within old Journey entries that will make sense as they grow up. I'm kinda lucky in that sense. It's all so raw. They'd actually learn more if I weren't here than if I am... they'd read it WAY differently if it was everything. But you see what I mean? I go deeeeeep into those moments and imagine them coming of age and how a sense of sadness would just kind of permeate. Life before and after I took that trip. I wish my brain didn't work like this, but it does.
However, I'm here now and I don't feel that dread at ALL. I felt it the entirety of last week and was completely depressed. Everything we did as a family felt like the last fucking time I would ever see them. It was awful. If I was going to another city or state, fine - but New Zealand is so far and it's such an unkown what I'm even doing there... of course now that I'm here - Ihi is awesome, everything is so cool and the shots are gonna be great. I just want to be with my family. If I was leading everyone through the most DANGEROUS SITUATION OF ALL-TIME? I'd be cool as a cucumber. I would have no problems whatsoever. Leaving them behind? Oh good fuck it wrecks me. I can't do this. That or I really have to figure out a way to wrap my head around the statistical reality which is: I'm safe. I'm coming back. I could just as easily die while they're at school or literally ANY TIME I'M DRIVING alone... but you take a 13 hour flight to the other side of the globe... it just hits different. ANYWAY. I'm alive. Things are great. I go home in 3 days.
Anyway - I haven't been writing throughout because we're soooooooooo busy. This will be the only time I have to myself the entire week and I figured I'd write and make a placeholder for what will be the very first New Zealand entry. I presume we'll have 5 or 6... no way of knowing. But I'll write within those entries as they come. These type of Journey videos are a little different as they're professional shoots. So... it doesn't really need day-of commentary like the last 24 years. The spacing will be weird though because there's no way I can finish all of them before the NFL and that WILL have some personal entries surrounding it. So New Zealand will be spaced all strangely. But here's number one...
I'm gonna presume that's the day we went to the flagpole and to see the big-ass tree. But maybe not. Fuck if I know. I'm gonna go take a bath and watch tik-tok videos.