9:21 AM, Monday, December 12th, 2022:
Nothing like finally getting a new computer up and running and opening this page. This warm, safe, Journey page. Is it weird I talk about it like that? I've been doing this so long. A few weeks away from starting year 24. Goodness.
Long pause.
Another one.
So apparently I fainted last night. And I can't not write about it and I can't not be honest about it so here goes...
And man this is the 2nd time this weight loss has fucked with my ability to do ANYTHING I USED TO DO without harming myself... but onto last night. Well, actually the night before.
I think I had 2 drinks 2 nights ago. Measured out, stayed within my calories - I'm kinda floating at the moment rather than losing as I try to finish the Journey movie, so I'm not under my move, but still eating like 1100-1200 calories a day to maintain the 160s. Giggity. Anyway, I went to bed fine... felt great, tired, yay. Was then up 2 hours later - wide awake. <throws hands up> This only happens when I drink alcohol at night (when the fuck else would I drink it) and usually it's if I have too much. Which is nearly impossible when you're weighing it by the tenth of an ounce... so I guess this is just the new Adam? One drink, Kontras forever? ANYWAY.
So I'm up around 11-11:30 and I get up and just go in and edit. Quite productive actually and I end up putting a good 6-7 hours in. Then I go to sleep and unfortunately Vienna ran in like the moment I fell asleep which messed with my brain and I couldn't get back to sleep for awhile... long story short I only got maybe 60-90 minutes after that. But I was up at 9, figured it'd be a lazy-ish day.
Of course it wasn't, more editing - working on the new computer, etc. Certainly not physical. So by around 7-7:30 my body is done. Kids bedtime routine can be anywhere from 10 minutes to 3 hours, so I just laid down. Was ready to go to sleep, so I hit the weed stick which has been a godsend for my insomnia. I cannot do that shit during any waking hours because I eat the entire house. But right at bedtime, sooooo nice.
Of course the kids take a little longer to get ready so it's "bedtime song time" at 9pm. Well, fuck I'm a good hour into that stick and I'm usually fast asleep by this point. I stand up and am instantly dizzy and queasy. I right myself, get to my little chair in their room and start singing. Every line feels like I'm gonna ralph and it's almost an out-of-body experience because I never feel this shit, I'm usually fast asleep. I get through the song (barely), put down the guitar and stand up to fist bump Vienna on her top bunk and as I go down to fist bump Cam it's like a scene cut to me. And it's a vision that will be seared in my brain forever: Talya to my right screaming at me with Cam next to her and Vienna looking over her bunk. All lit dramatically from the hall light into the dark room. I remember thinking "why the fuck is she yelling, I'm clearly trying to sleep." LMFAO. That's a split second thought and then it's registering what she's yelling and I say I'm OK and when they say I fell over I ask how long I've been down here and they say a couple seconds.
I sit up and try and calm everyone down but they're not good. Cam especially thinks I died and came back and is not cool with that and I start realizing what they must've seen and felt awful for them, but when I say it was like a scene cut? It's like I'm typing here right now, then instantly I'm somewhere else lying down. Chaos and drama surrounding you with zero recollection. You want to feel for them and truly empathize, but they might as well be describing someone else. First time this has ever happened to me. Shit I had that one syphoning gas moment in 2015 where my freaking lungs wouldn't work and I thought I blacked out but after what happened last night I'm not sure I did. Back then I remember actually stumbling forward. I mean I probably just closed my eyes when I fell and that's how I remembered it. Ooh it's The Journey, I can just show you:
Yeah, watching that video I can say this was way different. I remember nothing except fist-bumping Vienna and the THOUGHT that I was about to fist bump Cam. And from their faces, they were yellin' for a bit. What a visual, jesus. It was like a movie shot where they show every body looking down into the camera. It's what might be the last thing I see before I die. It's going to stick with me for a long long while...
...and it pales in comparison to what they went through. Fuck, man. How scary to see your dad basically just die. I spent the next 30 minutes sitting up in bed talking to them so they could see I was ok. Other than being unbelievably tired (and high) I was fine. But it did set-up this weird situation where I really wanted to stay awake to calm them, but I HAD to sleep. And then of course Talya is just staring at me so we're laughing about that. Then I can't stop thinking about what it looked like to wake up to them over me and how if I'm LUCKY that's the last thing I see before I die. Ever think of that? Like that's the peak death right there. You're old, in bed, with your family around you. Well I got to see that for a second and it suuuuuuuuuuuuucked. LMFAO. Like, I now want to live to 150. I joke that as I get older I'm more at peace with death, etc but certainly not soon and goddamn... that vision is gonna be in my head for a looooong time.
Now enter the worst timing imaginable: The Journey movie. Of course there's the infamous drinking game scene which I've now played up as me actually dying, coming back and telling 2010 to not do that and then him jumping out of a plane instead. Felt like a creative way to express how much that horrible cell phone video affected me back then. But NOWWWWW? Now it looks like a goddamn pattern and is gonna give my kids flashbacks of LAST NIGHT. Fucking fuck fuck. For a guy who is pretty conservative and in control when it comes to drugs and alcohol and... well, not sex. I had a pretty crazy sex life - BUT DRUGS ALCOHOL I'M RIGHT THERE. But now it looks like some awful pattern and of course in the movie I'm laying on the SAME GODDAMNED hallway... FUUUCK. I can't do shit about it now. SO, annoyed. What the hell is the Journey video for THIS?!?!?!
Seems appropriate. Anyway, kids are gonna be up soon and I want to make sure they see me bouncy and happy. Poor fuckers. Oh and I have to finish volume 2 because jesus wouldn't THAT suck. Had I died no one here would know how to bring up the project and at least render it where it's at. AND ALL THE AUDIO is unmixed and fucked up and missing music - OH THAT WOULD BLOW. Dude that's so gonna happen. I'm gonna be working on Volume 6 or some shit and die in the middle of it and Vienna is gonna have to try and piece together some semblance of a story.
...that I want to continue, so yay. It is. Alright, big day in Journey movie making - it's possible I can render the whole thing tomorrow morning. Work on the deliverables and then make my 12/14 deadline. Whew. Made it.