12:34 PM, Tuesday, June 22nd, 2022:
Oh this one is a doozy...
The voice-over script really is the entry...
The moment you have children you accept that they will live on after you leave the planet. And recently it's occurred to me that this project, The Journey, will someday be handed down as opposed to ending upon my exit. That realization has kind of redefined the audience for me and how to continue this documentation.... and this entry is a crossroads. I've been surpassed and I'm not sure which part of that story to tell in 2022.
After teaching Vienna how to do the Rubik's cube I started buying the "tools of the trade" for speedcubers so we could really see how good she was... and how good I was, honestly. What I wasn't prepared for as a member of Adam & The Egos, was that she would be way, way faster than me. Not 'cause she got a lucky scramble, but on average - by over 20 seconds. I'm at 75 seconds, she's at 54. Her ability to see the transitions in these beginner patterns is lightening fast... and of course, I'm pushing 50.
Now enter The Journey, which was once considered MY project, but I'm realizing it's a project that will outlive me... so what do I say here? Of course I'm proud of her, she's my daughter. But I have an equally strong emotion that was something I used to write about within The Journey... my own ego and feelings. And I am absolutely having a bit of trouble with this one. Like, looking older? Part of life. My eyes starting to get a little wonky? Shit it's a part of life I'm almost proud of: it means you've lived.
But accepting that you're not as sharp mentally as you once were, shit or that you may have never been as sharp as the person you're teaching? Well, that is indeed a moment of mortality that I have to admit has hit me quite hard. I can't let this one go as easily. At least not in 2022. 2032? Sure. But life has a funny way of not allowing you the time to prepare for transitions and this is a crossroad that for whatever reason is painful for me. I know admitting that makes me look selfish. But goddamnit, this is The Journey, and this is the truth.
I'm not ready to pass the baton, this makes me want to study the advanced moves just to beat her... but knowing that once I learn those... I love her, I'll teach them to her and of course, she will then beat me again because she's absolutely faster than me. But for a temporary moment, during the transition, I'll feel superior.
A temporary moment. I guess that's what getting old really is. All those feelings that surrounded you when you were younger? The ambition, the ego, the conquests, the achievements... you only feel them in tiny little temporary moments... and then the younger ones race past. Sure, you have wisdom, you can pace yourself better... but you know what's coming. And you try to help where you can... but soon, you won't be needed. Nor should you be.
I look forward to the next temporary moment.
(the fuck in the video wasn't scripted - lol)
So I guess this inevitably means the journey is still more "ME" focused for the time being. Not dead yet... that kind of thing. Goddamn all of those over-the-hill book titles make sense now. That pathetic grabbing for the spotlight when people know you're past your prime... or accepting it and creating anyway. I have a new found respect for that, but the transition here in The Journey will be far messier. When you do 100 entries a year for life it becomes harder to gloss up and package your issues. LOL.
I will however look back on this entry as the moment that struggle truly began. No idea how long it'll be, but it's here. I pushed it off pretty long come to think of it. Part of having kids late I guess. Man - it's no wonder people that never have children are seemingly in a state of arrested development.

Hmmm... lots to ponder in #2247.