Entry unlocked 7/6/22
11:41 AM, Sunday, May 29th, 2022:
Yeah, I need to document this...
That video is unlisted on YouTube, so the only way you'd find it is through this site on a PC. Forwhatever reason my embeds no longer work on an iphone because fuck Apple. (rolling eyes)
I'm writing what honestly feels like my last entry and if I somehow return from Hawaii, this feeling will be my motivation to never get here again. 200 is bad, 212 (now) is crazy and I'll be pushing 220 by the time I return home from Hawaii. It's not even the weight though... because of my fucked up ankle/knee/hip issue because of the Delorean clutch, I just can't be as active as I need to be. Then when I am it's a massive balance issue as I fuck up the other side of my body. At some point I'll need surgery on my MCL and then my Delorean job is over for 6 months. Whew.
Of course dropping 60 pounds will help the pressure on everything and I guess that starts June 10th.
But not beiung able to shake this feeling is something I can no longer ignore. What's The Journey for? Ya know? I used to talk about this shit all the time. Now I'm so worried about stressing out Talya or the kids I hold onto it. This will be locked of course... once I've lost some weight and am clearly serious I can unlock it. But what I'm documenting is the feeling that I am absolutely gonna have a heart attack and die while in Hawaii. It seems as certain as anything and I'm on this slow motion roller coaster towards it.
As I said in the vlog, pushing that car last week scared me. My heart had never felt like that from something THAT easy. Now, the old me? Would just run every other day for about two weeks - BOOM I get my lungs back, I get my stamina back. Can't do that now. The best I'll be able to do is eat less - walk more... and then once I'm in the 180s? Then I can probably jog a bit. The 180s are like AUGUST. So we're in some shit.
Of course, I have to do The Journey Volume 2 so I have to be 2010 Adam... which is like 160? Maybe I can pull that off by my birthday in October? Really pushing it getting this out in the calendar year - but fuck that motivation. I'll happily take the I DON'T WANT TO DIE motivation over a fucking movie.
I guess it's good I'm feeling this now. But more than the weight (I mean I was here in 2020 and lost it for Meeting Michael) is the feeling that I can't do this anymore. This on/off thing. I can't have off "periods" anymore. I just can't. I can have off days. And then I need to work for a week to get back. I can't have off - Thanksgiving to New Years. I just can't. I'm too old. It's too much work - and my life is WAY too chaotic to pull it off. It's actually harder now than when the kids were little. Their energy is so much more dominant than ours. And their energy is BONKERS... so you do end up following that lead.
But that absolutely has to end, because I'm going to die. There's no other way to say it. I have to spend the rest of this year finding a good place - and then do what I did in 2016 and maintain it. I did that for 6 months back then let go around Halloween - and then Fastest Delorean happened. I was okaaaaay for most of that and then another end of year let go and BOOM - the car catches fire and my life has been a disaster (weight wise) ever since. I always seemed to get my weight close (mid 170s) for the movies (Fastest 2 and Meeting Michael) but again, this "letting go" period is over. It has to be. I'm simply too old for this shit. Let this be a stake in the ground. A public one at that and this vlog can be something I look back on and thank the fuck christ I'm no longer there.