- 11:41 AM, Sunday,
May 29th, 2022:
-
- Yeah, I need
to document this...
-
-
- That video is
unlisted on YouTube, so the only way you'd find it is
through this site on a PC. Forwhatever reason my
embeds no longer work on an iphone because fuck Apple.
(rolling eyes)
-
- I'm writing what
honestly feels like my last entry and if I somehow
return from Hawaii, this feeling will be my motivation
to never get here again. 200 is bad, 212 (now) is
crazy and I'll be pushing 220 by the time
I return home from Hawaii. It's not even the
weight though... because of my fucked up
ankle/knee/hip issue because of the Delorean clutch, I
just can't be as active as I need to be. Then when I
am it's a massive balance issue as I fuck up the other
side of my body. At some point I'll need surgery on my
MCL and then my Delorean job is over for 6 months.
Whew.
-
- Of course dropping
60 pounds will help the pressure on everything and I
guess that starts June 10th.
-
- But not beiung
able to shake this feeling is something I can no
longer ignore. What's The Journey for? Ya know?
I used to talk about this shit all the time. Now
I'm so worried about stressing out Talya or the kids I
hold onto it. This will be locked of course... once
I've lost some weight and am clearly serious I can
unlock it. But what I'm documenting is the feeling
that I am absolutely gonna have a heart attack and die
while in Hawaii. It seems as certain as anything and
I'm on this slow motion roller coaster towards
it.
-
- As I said in the
vlog, pushing that car last week scared me. My heart
had never felt like that from something THAT easy.
Now, the old me? Would just run every other day for
about two weeks - BOOM I get my lungs back, I get my
stamina back. Can't do that now. The best I'll be able
to do is eat less - walk more... and then once I'm in
the 180s? Then I can probably jog a bit. The 180s are
like AUGUST. So we're in some shit.
-
- Of course, I have
to do The Journey Volume 2 so I have to be 2010
Adam... which is like 160? Maybe I can pull that off
by my birthday in October? Really pushing it getting
this out in the calendar year - but fuck that
motivation. I'll happily take the
I DON'T WANT TO DIE motivation
over a fucking movie.
-
- I guess it's good
I'm feeling this now. But more than the weight (I mean
I was here in 2020 and lost it for Meeting
Michael) is the feeling that I can't do this anymore.
This on/off thing. I can't have off "periods"
anymore. I just can't. I can have off days. And then I
need to work for a week to get back. I can't have
off - Thanksgiving to New Years. I just can't.
I'm too old. It's too much work - and my life is WAY
too chaotic to pull it off. It's actually harder now
than when the kids were little. Their energy is so
much more dominant than ours. And their energy is
BONKERS... so you do end up following that
lead.
-
- But that
absolutely has to end, because I'm going to die.
There's no other way to say it. I have to spend
the rest of this year finding a good place - and then
do what I did in 2016 and maintain it. I did that
for 6 months back then let go around Halloween - and
then Fastest Delorean happened. I was okaaaaay
for most of that and then another end of year let go
and BOOM - the car catches fire and my life has been a
disaster (weight wise) ever since. I always seemed to
get my weight close (mid 170s) for the movies (Fastest
2 and Meeting Michael) but again, this "letting
go" period is over. It has to be. I'm simply too
old for this shit. Let this be a stake in the ground.
A public one at that and this vlog can be something I
look back on and thank the fuck christ I'm no longer
there.
-
- Adam
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