7:29 AM, Saturday, January 1st, 2022:
I've been thinking about how to encapsulate this year for months now and I keep coming back to one thing - and it's 100% self-centered. Which is why I wanted to avoid it... but I have to be honest here. Because for our family? It was sadly more of the same as 2020... with a tiny window of breaking out for like 4 weeks until the HAMMER of the cancellation just soured everything. But one thing has been in my head multiple times a day for the entire year: Charlotte. Something that should mean absolutely nothing has wreaked havoc on my inner-thoughts, though thankfully not my actions. What?
Her assessment of me from February when I thought it'd be nice to attempt to mend the wounds has never left my brain. I'm constantly talking to her in my head and pointing out how bizarre and unstable her comments were (I never addressed them to her at the time, just wrote back "I‘ve honestly had too much serenity the past decade to even attempt this. No idea what I was thinking."). Then refuting what she wrote BACK to me that I never replied to. Over and over. I guess it's almost like self medication because if you call an empath a narcissist, they implode. But her points were so stupid that it's almost like debating Trump. It's so obvious, it's so ridiculous - actually doing it? Is masturbation. It's kind of why I'm so done with politics. It's pablum now. There are no debates left.
And that's the problem - we had great debates. She's fiercely intelligent and I loved talking with her in February. She is also a textbook narcissist and manipulated me for years. I can finally say that, out loud, in public, without wincing at what she's thinking. I do however still imagine her reading it and have a hope that I could get her to understand that. And all she'd do is say it's me, point to The Journey and walk away satisfied. Because I'm the one doing it publicly, she's extremely private and therefore it must be me. Forget the fact that my surroundings clearly show something different and hers have never changed in 20 years. I'm the one obsessing over this, so I'm the defnsive one - it must be me.
<throws hands up>
I don't know why I can't let this go, but it has to be because I have nothing else negative to focus on or solve. I have the privilege to battle this in my brain because life actually is so good. I guess if I really was a narcissist I wouldn't let her see how much her words hurt... but maybe I am so good at COVERING UP my narcissism that I do that just to provide cover!!!! I'M BRILLIANT! Like - there's no way to prove anything here. Wow - maybe THAT is what's bothering me. You can't prove to a narcissist that you're an empath.
Ooooh is that what finally helps me move on? You can't prove to a narcissist that you're an empath because they don't actually have the ability to understand that.
Maybe that's what I needed. I mean, holy fuckballs if you can't peruse The Journey and realize I'm quite the empath - there is something wrong. If you think every song, or every tear is some manipulation... whew. It's why she's got to be the worst personality type to manage artists that has ever existed. If anyone she manages is truly an empath, truly gets close to her? She will fucking destroy them (by no fault of her own, by simply sharing her opinion) and they'll have to break ties to save themselves. Now there's tons of artists that aren't super empaths, that do treat this as a business so that won't always be true... but people like me make up a pretty big majority of the "talent" side of this industry. And they need a partner. They need a support system. She is decidedly NOT that support system, and her record shows that.
And once again, I spend an entry writing out what's been inside my head (or that I literally talk out loud to myself when I'm alone) because I cannot seem to let it go. But thank the fuck christ I can still operate day-to-day. When this happened in 2002, I almost didn't make it. In 2008? I moved like molasses. It greatly affected my ability to create/trust/progress. Now? Nothing. I'm still as ambitious as ever, I am still working everyday - loving life as a husband and a father and it only fucks with my brain when I'm doing busy work that gives me time to have an inner-monologue. The problem? It's clear I do indeed need a manager/agent for the film side of things while attempting to get a streaming deal this year... so this will come up again.
I certainly won't be getting close with that person.
I certainly can't honestly say that definitively.
I certainly will be getting close to that person.
LMFAO. It's as silly as telling Talya when we met that I wasn't getting married again. My heart is indeed bigger than my brain here. I'm just gonna need to be super careful with who I let in.
But this is about the entirety of 2021 and it's as simple as this: starts with hope, ramps up all the way to August when the kids couldn't go back to school... then their vaccines and hope again... and a sucker punch of the cancellation to end the year. A roller coaster. Feels a bit like the old school Journey. That's 2021. So I guess I have to make a video about that. And maybe leave out all the stupid shit about Charlotte. Leave that for here. Ok... so here's what I came up with...
That works. Welcome to 2022. Happy New Year.