- 7:29 AM, Saturday,
January 1st, 2022:
-
- I've been thinking
about how to encapsulate this year for months now and
I keep coming back to one thing - and it's 100%
self-centered. Which is why I wanted to avoid it...
but I have to be honest here. Because for our family?
It was sadly more of the same as 2020... with a tiny
window of breaking out for like 4 weeks until the
HAMMER of the cancellation just soured everything. But
one thing has been in my head multiple times a day for
the entire year: Charlotte. Something that should mean
absolutely nothing has wreaked havoc on my
inner-thoughts, though thankfully not my actions.
What?
-
- Her assessment of
me from February when I thought it'd be nice to
attempt to mend the wounds has never left my brain.
I'm constantly talking to her in my head and pointing
out how bizarre and unstable her comments were (I
never addressed them to her at the time, just wrote
back "I‘ve honestly had too much serenity
the past decade to even attempt this. No idea what I
was thinking."). Then refuting what she wrote BACK
to me that I never replied to. Over and over. I guess
it's almost like self medication because if you call
an empath a narcissist, they implode. But her points
were so stupid that it's almost like debating Trump.
It's so obvious, it's so ridiculous - actually doing
it? Is masturbation. It's kind of why I'm so done with
politics. It's pablum now. There are no debates
left.
-
- And that's the
problem - we had great debates. She's fiercely
intelligent and I loved talking with her in February.
She is also a textbook narcissist and manipulated me
for years. I can finally say that, out loud, in
public, without wincing at what she's thinking. I do
however still imagine her reading it and have a hope
that I could get her to understand that. And all she'd
do is say it's me, point to The Journey and walk away
satisfied. Because I'm the one doing it publicly,
she's extremely private and therefore it must be me.
Forget the fact that my surroundings clearly show
something different and hers have never changed in 20
years. I'm the one obsessing over this, so I'm the
defnsive one - it must be me.
-
- <throws hands
up>
-
- I don't know why I
can't let this go, but it has to be because I have
nothing else negative to focus on or solve.
I have the privilege to battle this in my brain
because life actually is so good. I guess if
I really was a narcissist I wouldn't let her see
how much her words hurt... but maybe I am so good at
COVERING UP my narcissism that I do that
just to provide cover!!!! I'M BRILLIANT! Like -
there's no way to prove anything here. Wow - maybe
THAT is what's bothering me. You can't prove to a
narcissist that you're an empath.
-
- Ooooh is that what
finally helps me move on? You can't prove to a
narcissist that you're an empath because they don't
actually have the ability to understand
that.
-
- Maybe that's what
I needed. I mean, holy fuckballs if you can't
peruse The Journey and realize I'm quite the
empath - there is something wrong. If you think every
song, or every tear is some manipulation... whew. It's
why she's got to be the worst personality type to
manage artists that has ever existed. If anyone she
manages is truly an empath, truly gets close to her?
She will fucking destroy them (by no fault of her own,
by simply sharing her opinion) and they'll have to
break ties to save themselves. Now there's tons of
artists that aren't super empaths, that do treat this
as a business so that won't always be true... but
people like me make up a pretty big majority of the
"talent" side of this industry. And they need a
partner. They need a support system. She is decidedly
NOT that support system, and her record shows
that.
-
- And once again, I
spend an entry writing out what's been inside my head
(or that I literally talk out loud to myself when I'm
alone) because I cannot seem to let it go. But
thank the fuck christ I can still operate day-to-day.
When this happened in 2002, I almost didn't make it.
In 2008? I moved like molasses. It greatly
affected my ability to create/trust/progress. Now?
Nothing. I'm still as ambitious as ever, I am still
working everyday - loving life as a husband and a
father and it only fucks with my brain when I'm doing
busy work that gives me time to have an
inner-monologue. The problem? It's clear I do indeed
need a manager/agent for the film side of things while
attempting to get a streaming deal this year... so
this will come up again.
-
- I certainly won't
be getting close with that person.
-
- I certainly can't
honestly say that definitively.
-
- I certainly will
be getting close to that person.
-
- LMFAO. It's as
silly as telling Talya when we met that I wasn't
getting married again. My heart is indeed bigger than
my brain here. I'm just gonna need to be super careful
with who I let in.
-
- But this is about
the entirety of 2021 and it's as simple as this:
starts with hope, ramps up all the way to August when
the kids couldn't go back to school... then their
vaccines and hope again... and a sucker punch of the
cancellation to end the year. A roller coaster. Feels
a bit like the old school Journey. That's 2021. So I
guess I have to make a video about that. And maybe
leave out all the stupid shit about Charlotte. Leave
that for here. Ok... so here's what I came up with...
-
-
- That works.
Welcome to 2022. Happy New Year.
-
- Adam
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