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11:00 AM, Wednesday, September 15th, 2021:   It's rare that a write without any real understanding if it will be a journey entry or not. I'm aware that I need to capture this, but it's pretty hard to admit. In fact I can't think of when I've ever had this feeling - but I certainly have it now.   It's September 15th, and I'm well past when I would've made the Rams game entry as it's a blur. That's when the video comes in. And that's when you realize your memories don't match reality. That's the value of video, but in 22 years of this project, I'm not sure this has ever happened. Thank goodness the outcome was simply me being careless with a mask and not careless with my marriage - then again, I may have just gotten COVID so it's up for debate, right? Fucking hell.   Instead of pre-empting what happened with a defense I'll just cut right to it: I was too drunk to properly protect myself and I now sit here hoping I got lucky. Hoping that I didn't just jeapordize 18 months of insane caution with one day of... man what was it? How did this happen? This will not be a defense of my actions, but I really need to break down my mindset because I'm pretty head strong.   So there's safety being outside and when the BUS got there, I did indeed run in to check it out with hardly anyone on it and then ran back out. Of course, that's where the drinks were. So I would literally hold my breath, run on, and then run off. We're talking literal seconds. I was Adam, I was the father of a kid with asthma, I was aware.   The reason I was even there was because of a relationship with Danny that I think may lead to some amazing entertainment opportunities and this gut feeling of knowing I needed to accept his invitation, even though I didn't feel super safe. But the game is outside... we're tailgating outside... I felt cool with it. Of course drinking lowers that shit - but drinking always makes me MORE of who I am - so at the beginning? It made me even more cautious... but then a lack of food (they were late so they simply didn't have anything ready) and then Don is there and a really interesting (if I can get out of my own head long enough) angle? When no one else is being careful? You forget. It's not so much peer pressure as it's this environmental shift. You literally forget about the pandemic. Everything LOOKS normal. People are ACTING normal. No one is wearing a mask, no one is distanced, it's a normal tailgate like I remember from Buckeye days. As time went on, and drinks continued? I just stayed off the bus and tried to keep moving. Then of course, it's time to go to the game...   It all just flies out the window as you have to be on an elevator and NO ONE is wearing their mask properly. Doesn't even matter that you're covered... we're packed in and it's absolute chaos. Then you get to your seats and everyone just takes off the mask. And well, you know you've been close enough to Don to basically just go "if he has it, I have it... so just let that one go." It's like having unprotected sex with someone - once you've done it? Well you have what they have so you might as well keep fuckin'.   Then of course your wrist band gets you free food and drinks. Well now you're gonna be drunk. Oh and the game! I really could only follow it until the first touchdown. That's about it for the game... because it's so much chaos - and screaming, and anxiety about masks and then settling into the fact that if ANYONE next to you has it, you have it. Period. Like - outside doesn't mean shit when you're next to random people the entire time... oh and that? There were like 19 people in the group that Danny got in and there was a different person next to me every few minutes. Constant movement, then sitting for 10-15 minutes then rinse and repeat. It's like a fucking COVID petri dish. So the statistics in my head are just going through the roof: just Don? That's X-amount of chance... it gets exponential pretty soon and then? You really do let go. Because NO ONE IS WEARING A MASK. And you can't talk to them with a mask on because it's so loud so you start pulling down your mask to talk or you talk while drinking or eating... and then put it back on... it's a mess.   And then you check the video? Now you're the asshole. You're the guy wearing it like a chin diaper. All of your 18 months of discipline disappears and you're fucked. Or maybe you're lucky. It's been 3 days and other than thinking that every heart palpitation means something, I feel fine. But I've put my entire family at risk. Even quarantining now is worthless, we're the most cuddly family ever... if I brought this home, it has hit everyone.   I write this to remember this feeling. I have avoided most massively guilt-ridden mistakes in my adult life by being very self-aware and responsible... but I entered a perfect storm of alcohol and normalcy that even my disciplined brain couldn't combat. It is so wild looking at the video - NO ONE IS WEARING A MASK in the rich people section and I guarantee you if I had gone to the cheap seats? It'd be at least 50%... fuck - Magic Johnson wasn't wearing a mask AND THAT FUCKER HAS HIV. I mean what the fuck.   Now, am I being overdramatic? I am vaccinated and even with the delta surge (which has peaked here) my chances are better at not even GETTING enough of the viral load to get sick. Don, who is unvaccinated, is taking a far greater risk. But that's with his OWN body, I'm risking my child who has asthma among other issues with his immune system. Which is wear my brain just breaks. Like, I can't even write about what it feels like to have put my child at risk... until I know we're safe or not. And I'm gonna keep that "wear" typo right there because that's what my brain is doing: breaking. I'm not gonna be kind to myself here. This honestly feels like I cheated on my family... or cheated on my wife - had unprotected sex and then had sex with her and I'm hoping I didn't give her anything. And I'm surely not sharing these anxieties with Talya at the moment because we've all been anxious for 18 months and worrying will accomplish nothing. We still have to keep going, keep teaching the kids the school shit - keep trying to relax as it's all so stressful. I have been a rock for the family for this entire time - every gig I have been vigilently safe - seriously, self-aware and on-point and Sunday was the anomally. Now, once we get to day 10? A week from today? I will probably sit her down and explain everything. We have no secrets... but the timing here is crucial. Teaching school has been SUPER FUCKING HARD for Talya this go-round and I seem to be the calm voice trying to wade through the emotions. If she sees me freaking out about Sunday? Dude... just one more week. I just have to take my lumps here and suck it up. Because it makes zero difference.   this, fucking, blows.   <5 minutes>   I'm really wracking my brain trying to think if I've ever been in a situation like this. Because I most assuredly HAVEN'T raw dogged a mistress while married (LMAO) and have acted like a boring, responsible dad for so goddamned long. No this is unique. I realize there are people that take these risks DAILY and do INDEED bring it home to their family, but I DIDN'T NEED TO GO TO A FUCKING FOOTBALL game and only did so because it seemed like the appropriate business move. And man, the environment feeling like a goddamn time machine just totally fucks with your already inebriated brain. You know? I'm looking at this footage - even the goddamn security guards aren't masked properly - and the fans? NOTHING. It's just what the balls. I need to end this entry and take a walk. Try to breathe. If I have to tell my family I put them in danger... well I will tell them I did that, but if I actually did hurt them... my god. My absolute fucking god.   One of the worst things I've ever felt. Now hold your breath and watch this..     Fuck, me.   Adam