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3:21 PM, Wednesday, March 31st, 2021:   So I've been talking to my friend Gary a lot recently and he had some insight into the recent Charlotte reconnection that I just haven't been able to let go of. I find it utterly fascinating as we all age and it really has little to do with her in particular, but it's this: as we age we not only forget, but we just can't hold onto the negative shit because we simply don't have the passion to. I mention this in one of the previous entries but the catalyst for contacting her was so telling to me. And it needed a decade or more to be true: I forgot what happened with us.   Like, straight-up forgot. I forgot THE MOST IMPORTANT details. I had a vague recollection that she didn't think of me as a real artist because I didn't create what she considered valuable as a manager. That's it. But as I found her number in an old spreadhseet I thought "oh, well, she clearly must now understand that was wrong." Not sure anyone on the planet has had a more eye-opening past decade of finding themselves and becoming firmly grounded. When she knew me it was through 2 divorces and CRAZY career ups and downs. Her opinions had weight then because I didn't really have any proof to back-up who I was. I didn't match my srroundings. It happens. 2000-2010 was a tough period.   But now? Married 10 years, kids, a business, and a bunch of amazing artistic career stuff? I match. I was this homebody/husband/dad dude when I got married in 1996 - just got a different hand then. Had my labels wrong, we really were just friends. It's why I'm still friends with Burg: we realized we didn't match, we were self-aware and honest with each other and all is good. Same with Jess. And I honest-to-loving-fuck thought Charlotte would be the exact same type of relationship: "oh we clearly didn't work this way, but we're both better off. Yay!" And then, she finally did respond. A full month after a conversation that made me think she'd text me the next morning. Hell - at LEAST the next couple days. But she waited and emailed me late last week, I had insomnia and was up at 3:30am when I saw the email and had to reread the first part twice because I was so confused. Then I started to skim and noticed some points about our 2021 conversation that were incorrect so I figured I'd ignore all the Fastest Delorean mistakes that I couldn't really process... and wrote a positive letter back. She responded quickly with a nice sentence or two and that she'd process the rest later and we were seemingly on the road to reconciliation.   Then I went back to sleep, woke up again and had coffee.   I then reread every word and I couldn't even believe what I was reading. Like - I still can't actually believe it and have reread it since STARTING THIS ENTRY. I can't believe "sleepy me" just skimmed over the most blatant shit to keep the peace. The person she described in her email (me) is so vile, so dishonest, so unbelievably unethical, you would never speak to him, let alone write a long email. It was like she was sparring with someone she had made up and then just enjoyed defending her positions. Like some long drawn-out Facebook thread with a stranger. I read it multiple times because each time I was certain I must be reading it wrong. Picking up on random things that just... well, weren't true. Not like opinion not true.... shit like this:   "I watched you talk so much about not being able to drive the car at the end of part 1 only to of course be the one to break the record in part 2."   No you didn't.   I know, because I too have watched the movie (I even made it), and that didn't happen. The car blows up at the end of part 1 and I never race it again. The fuck are you talking about? Did you presume I was an unethical twat wanting Kenny to fail miserably so I could physically be IN the car when it crossed the finish line before even WATCHING the movies? Did you fall asleep when I hired Ray to race it?   <blink>   What do you say to that? How do you address that without being condescending? Clearly I didn't do it here on The Journey. LOL. And then I went back to the olllllld emails. Oh fucking hell. I would literally say shit like (paraphrase): "Hey, my producer said he wants you to not be on the set anymore because you pissed off like 4 people..." ...and her response was that I was lying, he never said that, and that I just didn't want her there. That's not a response, that's an ending.   And then it all just came into focus:   "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone..." excpet, it's not just gone - it's been gone for a decade.   Maybe it's just me, but I had always heard those lines in songs and applied them to directly AFTER the bad shit leaves. Like, rain stopped - how pretty! But what I'm realizing is that if you throw in a DECADE? It really is gone. The aftershocks are gone. The PTSD is so low that it's like a faint memory. Sure she can still trigger it (hazy Adam at 3am fell into it), but it has no actual FEELING.   As well, I've always had a hard time completely writing people off because and saying "oh she's just projecting, this is on her..." I always see shades of grey and those little specs of white keep me engaged. The same way we truly did have a wonderful 2 hour conversation last month in a vacuum. It takes a LOOOOOONG priod of actual PEACE to truly understand how bad things were. I dealt with a couple romantic interests like Charlotte, and of course Charlotte was my manager... all in this 10 year period. And then one day? I didn't deal with that personality at ALL. I didn't deal with anything like this until I bought the Delorean. Granted, that was only 4 years, but it made THAT situation? Easy to deal with. Bullies are easy to deal with, you just ignore them and move on. Then unfortunately 3 years later with Fastest Delorean (fuck that car, right?) I had to deal with that personality again. Of course that will be heartbreaking to me to my grave, but I never felt "lost" during it. Why? I was grounded with people surrounding me that KNEW ME. Kenny calling me "Hollywood" when he was the one unwilling to be accountable to his actions didn't sting. Just made me sad for my father. I showed the email to Talya and she looked at me like I was handing her a screenplay. "This person knows you?" It's the most bizarre take on me and the clearest projection I've seen since TRUMP. That's the only thing I can compare it to. Ya know how every time that dude spoke you knew he was just stewing about something in his personal life and it blew through his mouth? That was this email. She's writing about someone else, and she's just put me in place of that person. And being 12 years removed from a relationship to her made it so obvious I started to regret the nice sleepy reply I gave her because now I was wasting her time as she said she would process it later and we'd keep going. A day later I finally wrote:   "So after fully waking up (notice the time of my reply), drinking coffee and rereading your letter, this is irreconcilable.   I’m totally cool letting this completely fade into the sunset and just enjoy the memory of a nice conversation. I‘ve honestly had too much serenity the past decade to even attempt this. No idea what I was thinking. :-) "   To which I still expected a quick "Yeah, makes sense. Best of luck" type response and holy shit I got even more defensive, toxic shit. Her chastising me on the need to really think about why I reached out to her and what that means. <rolls eyes> Yes Charlotte, I've read the same articles about narcissists and why they need everyone to like them. You thinking I'm so stupid that I've never had self-awareness says way more about you than it does about me. No, it meant my heart was bigger than my head. I momentarily thought that just maybe she had the same softening experiences of life that gave her peace. Oh how wrong I was... which is why I never replied and gave her the last word. She clearly needed it. Of course, I guess you could consider this entry needing the last word, but maybe I'll just lock this so only my kids can read it when I'm dead. UGH - it's such a catch-22, I want to share the true resolution because I think it's an insanely valuable insight, not only into me but to everyone who has dealt with bullies. Especially someone who is in a position of power (even if complete horse shit, she had and still has zero accomplishments). It's funny, she used to be so annoyed that I was "green". Said it repeatedly while beating me down during our time together... but once I wasn't green? I could see through her. And now? My goodness, what an awful, awful, awful personality type to partner with in an industry where you have to constantly build and rebuild your ego thanks to the river of rejections. Her power was always my lack of experience and when anyone with any experience ever ran into her? They told me IMMEDIATELY: she's a problem, cut ties. Over and over and over again. And yes, if any of her clients asked me I'd say the same thing. A partner who is never wrong is not a partner. They're a cancer.   But my personal takeaway is clear: age has a beauty to it. Your brain softens your memory. A wonderful gift. You not only can't remember the specifics of what gave you so much grief? You just don't have the passion anymore to fight it and that, is, amazing. I called her with THE MOST LOVING feelings and we truly did have a wonderful conversation and I'm sad that won't happen again. But there is SOOO MUCH discord in her life that she can't BEGIN to approach this. And I feel good deal of sympathy here because a dozen years ago when we talked? Neither of us had a good relationship, a good career, or our own family. So we could spar evenly. I can't spar evenly with her anymore. ALL OF MY SERENTIY comes from my home-life. That serenity? That's what built GolfKon. That's what made the music. That's what made the films. That's what lead to my career successes...   ...and that's what made me call her. I had no idea I would be talking to 2009.   What a way to end a month!   AND HOLY SHIT I GET MY MOTHERFUCKING VACCINE NEXT MONTH!   DAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!   Adam   PS - Oh, I went back to the scene of the crime just to see what type of bee it was, and I still couldn't get close enough to find out because I'm a little bitch right now. Like, severe PTSD from that incident. But, here's the tree...       The symbolism of not wanting to get too close to the beehive just hit me. I will never convice you that wasn't planned. LOL   PPS - I straight uploaded this locked, ready to just wait for next year when I realized... that I should take this out of italics because this is kind of important.   I was going to lock it so Charlotte wouldn't feel bad. <blink> Feel bad because I finally understood how abusive she was and continues to be. A person who is never seen OR NAMED in this fucking project I still, fucking, submitted, to her personality.   Fuck that, man. This documentation is for me and me only. It's only public so people can hold ME accountable to my words. It isn't mean to hold a mirror up to someone else's venom. I reached out with love, the return was Charlotte. Same as it ever was. This is open. And I will probably be processing all of this for years because it really feels like I uncovered this crazy part of my psyche that I didn't truly understand I was passed until this reconnection. Absolutely beautiful.   Growth. Serenity.   Now I need to remember to stay hungry and keep completing projects. ;-)